Whipped
by Fresh C
Summary: This is the sad documentary of one man's fight for freedom in a female dominated environment and his search for self respect and ultimately love. Not for the weak hearted.
1. Dirty laundry

**Whipped **

**Chapter 1: Dirty Laundry**

Being the operations director of an organization like NERV, Misato understood that the city was not a safe place. Especially for her children, the pilots. She really shouldn't have been surprised the Shinji was gone.

_It's his own fault._

Asuka's unforgiving words traveled through her consciousness. But as harsh as they were, Misato could not shake the fact that they were true. He had acted without permission. Engaging the enemy blindly, with no thought as to the repercussions.

_I'll have to scold him when he comes back._

These where her words. In the moment they were spoken they had helped to fuel her own anger and thus revive her hope. But now that hope was gone and the anger had cooled to sorrow. She had to accept the fact that he wasn't coming back.

The sphere hovering above the city was not the angel. Its body was the shadow that enveloped the land below: Dirac's Sea. Their mission objective was to destroy the angel and salvage the remains of Unit 1. The operation parameters consisted of dumping all 992 existing N2 bombs directly into the angel and using the two remaining Evangelion's AT-fields to minimize the destructive force on the city. The plan was far from classy or even creative, but it was likely to accomplish the mission objected. The angel would die, and the EVA would be salvageable.

As for the pilot… this was not a rescue mission. Ritsuko had made that clear. Misato also made her feelings clear when she slapped her as hard as she'd ever slapped anyone in her life. Looking back on the instant, she realized she did not regret that decision one bit. It wouldn't bring Shinji back, but it did make her feel a heck of a lot better.

"60 seconds till the bombing commences," said Ritsuko from the command post.

This was it. In less than a minute Shinji would be dead, with or without life support. In a way it would be a relief. After debriefing, Misato would finally be able to go home. She'd offer what little comfort Asuka would allow her to give and when she was done with that she'd be able to cry herself. She thought it'd be nice to cry for a change.

But then the unthinkable happened. She was drug from her fantasy of pitiful tears by one simple question uttered by Asuka. It was the same question that mankind has been asking since the beginning of time.

"What's going on?"

The answer to that question is still a blur in Misato's mind. She remembered seeing a crack in Dirac's Sea. She remembered the shaking of the ground and the murmuring of the crew. She somewhat remembered the splitting of the sphere in the air and she could vividly recall the vision of blood as gallons of it splattered to the ground below. But the sound of Unit one… it's deadly roar… that was what haunted her dreams.

In the moments that followed the return of Unit One, the horror was quickly pushed to the side of Misato's mind. For the first time since her school days, her mind was dominated by thoughts of a teenage boy. If Unit One was alive, then so was Shinji. It was this realization that drove her towards the recently ejected entry plug.

Without haste she opened the entry plug. That's when she saw him sitting there in his plug suit staring blankly as if he were still all alone. He looked exhausted. He had just lived through a fight for his life. Misato couldn't take the sight. She flung herself on top of him.

"Shinji, Shinji, Shinji!" she cried almost incoherently. "Shinji? Are you alright? Shinji!"

He continued to stare at something distant that no one else could possibly see. After a moment he spoke.

"I just wanted… to see them again."

Misato wept uninhibited onto his plug suit. She felt the greatest relief she would ever feel in her life. Her previous thoughts were more than correct: it felt amazing to cry. For her the moment was frozen in time.

"Didn't you say you'd scold him?"

It was Asuka. She was the only one who would dare ruin this moment for her. Misato tried her best to ignore her as she clutched desperately to her returned charge. She thought she'd never let go.

"Fine," said Asuka with a deep coldness. "I'll do it myself."

Misato never let go of Shinji. Not willingly. She felt a great tug on her shoulders. It was a force that seemed impossible for a fourteen-year-old girl. Before she knew it she was on the ground staring at the Asuka's back.

"Shinji," said Asuka in a voice barely above a whisper. This was no greeting, it was a command. Yet the boy would not look up at the girl addressing him. That's when the hitting started. Small balled up fists began to plunge themselves over and over into the boy's body: a cruel punishment in an already weakened state. Asuka began to speak, but the blows never stopped coming.

"If you ever, _ever_, do that again I'll kill you." Shinji stared into space, unaffected by the pain she caused him and the passion in her voice. "I'll hit you so hard your EVA will feel it! I will beat you like you stole something!"

The more she yelled the greater her rage began.

"I'll freakin' rip your frickin' head off! I'll make you bleed from every pore on your body! I swear Shinji, I swear you'll never walk again."

Shinji sat there staring at the stars. He didn't understand why his world had become pain. He was just glad to be back. When Asuka noticed her words were going unheeded she began to hit him harder and harder, throwing all her strength into each swing. It wasn't long until Shinji started uttering sharp exclamations of pain.

Misato and the crew looked on in horror. No one knew how to act in a situation like this. What do you do when your second ranked pilot attempts to kill your first? Misato was the first to recover from the shock and being the closest she rose to take action.

"Leave them," said Ritsuko. For reasons she did not understand Misato complied. Apparently the trust of friendship was a hard bond to break. The brutal beating continued.

"Look at me Shinji!" yelled Asuka in anger and frustration. She grabbed him by the jaw and moved his head in her direction. His vision was focused on her, but somehow he seemed to stare through her. "If you ever do that again I'll never forgive you! I'll… I'll stomp on your… I'll break your… I'll… I'll"

But Shinji never found out what Asuka would do. She collapsed atop him as Misato had done just moments before. Despite herself, her unbidden tears began to flow. She wept bitterly in a matter she had not experienced since she was a child. Shinji stared off into space, as confused as ever. He began to wonder why he would ever want to come back to all of this uncertainty.

"Shinji…" said Asuka in-between heaving gasps. "Don't you dare leave again."

She clutched at him desperately, making him flinch from the wounds she had no doubt just inflicted upon him. It was the closest either of them had physically been to another human being.

But Shinji had no time to enjoy this closeness or to try and comprehend the behavior of his roommate and fellow pilot. Before he could gain his bearings, or even begin to think she threw a curveball at him that he wouldn't have expected in a million years. Through a series of shaky movements she slowly raised her mouth to his ear. She then whispered three little words that changed his life forever.

Hearing those words was the final pull into the real world. He realized that he was, in fact alive. This was no mental trip formed from lack of oxygen in his brain. He was truly alive. His throat went dry and his eyes went wide. He was glad that he was sitting. Had he been standing he probably would have fallen off his feet.

From that moment on, Shinji Ikari, pilot of Evangelion Unit one, was officially whipped.

------------

It didn't take the doctors long to finish their examination of the third child. Besides a few "flesh wounds" caused by "unknown sources" the pilot was in perfect health. He was cleared to leave within an hour.

No one was happier about this than Shinji. After a long, exhausting, and life-altering day all he wanted was to go home and sleep. As he walked out of the hospital wing of NERV and headed towards the debriefing room, the thought of possible rest was the only thing occupying his mind. It was no surprise that he nearly ran into Asuka.

"Watch where you're going," she muttered angrily, but it was easy to tell her heart was not in it.

"Sorry," said Shinji feeling awkward and slightly ashamed. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do or say in a situation such as this. The things she had said earlier instantly replayed in his mind.

"Whatever," said Asuka quietly. Shinji took this as his cue to leave. He didn't get very far before he was stopped by her voice again.

"Don't worry about debriefing. Misato convinced the commander to postpone it till tomorrow."

"Oh," said Shinji, "Where is Misato?" He was hoping to get a ride back home. After the day's events he wasn't looking forward to walking.

"She's got a load of paper work to do. Lots of people and houses disappeared when the angel attacked," Asuka's face darkened at the thought. "Even though it's not _our_ fault, NERV is responsible for the property damage. But at least we don't have to worry about stray cats anymore."

"… I like stray cats…" said Shinji sadly. He couldn't help but picture thousands of baby kittens being washed away by a sea of blackness. A part of him wanted to cry.

"You would," said Asuka with a shake of her head. "Anyways, it looks as if we'll have to walk."

Shinji sighed. It wasn't that he minded walking. It was just that he wanted to get home to his nice warm bed as soon as possible.

"Not feeling up to it?" asked Asuka mockingly, but once again it seemed forced.

Shinji took the question at face value and said, "I'm fine. Let's go."

And so the great uncomfortable walk began. For the first half of the journey the only noise that could be heard was the rustling of leaves as wind blew through the branches of nearby trees. Occasionally there would be a cough or sniffle from one of them, but these instances were so few and far between that they might as well not have happened. At one point a barking dog could be heard in the distance.

"Beagle?" asked Shinji.

"No," responded Asuka, "defiantly a Labrador."

"I see," said Shinji.

Silence was restored.

But as they continued to walk Shinji's mind was ablaze with thought. There were so many questions to be answered.

_How did I escape from the angel? Was that my mother in there? Why did Asuka say all those things? Did she mean them? Is that Misato's drool on my shirt, or just a little LCL I forgot to wipe off? _

Questions like these stirred in the young pilot's mind until he just couldn't take it anymore. He needed answers and he knew of only one person who might possibly have them. He turned to Asuka and attempted to ask the most important of the questions clouding his thought process.

"How many cats have to give their lives before this war is over?"

"What?" asked Asuka. It took Shinji only a second to realize his mistake.

"I mean… those things that you said… back there… did you really me-"

But Asuka cut him off.

"I meant it."

"Are you sure?" he asked in relative disbelief "because you said a lot of-"

"I meant every single word."

Shinji stopped in his tracks. Asuka stopped as well.

"So you were serious when you said-"

"Yeah, I'll kill you."

"And when you said that you'd b-"

"I swear I'll teach you the meaning of pain."

The look in her eye as she said that was so serious that it made Shinji shudder. It didn't help that it was cold outside. He ignored his discomfort and asked one more question.

"But… did you mean it when you said… when you said that you l-"

"Shinji," she said not quite meeting his gaze. "I don't say things I don't mean."

"Ok," said Shinji.

The two of them continued their trek home. Their silence was returned to them, but not for long. It was Asuka who broke it this time.

"My hands are cold," she said softly, looking straight ahead.

"Mine are ok," said Shinji, not quite sure how she expected him to respond to that.

His eyes widened slightly at what happened next. Without warning or even a glance in his direction Asuka slid her hand into his and intertwined their fingers. It took Shinji all of three seconds to realize that the two of them were in fact holding hands. This realization shocked him for a while and the two of them walked on in silence again, until Shinji's questioning mind acted up once again.

"Asuka," he asked. The girl looked over at him without breaking stride.

"Yeah?"

He glanced down at their joined hands and asked, "What does this mean?"

Asuka sighed, "It means nothing, Shinji."

But Shinji was not to be deterred.

"Well, isn't this the kind of thing that… dating people do?"

Asuka sighed and looked away from him. Shinji thought he caught sight of a blush, but it may have been his imagination. However, he knew that the blush on his own face was not. Whatever her reason for looking away, it wasn't long before Asuka composed her self and readied an answer.

"Look Shinji," she said in an exasperated tone. "Right now we're just… holding hands… because it's cold. It doesn't mean anything besides that. If you want to let go, you can do so at anytime. I won't get mad. Just like if I were to let go, I wouldn't expect you to get mad either. There's no commitment or anything. That's just the way it is."

Shinji took some time to take this new information in. Understanding hit him. They were in a trial phase. Either one of them could end it at anytime they wanted to without worrying about the consequences. This meant that no one would get hurt… but it also meant that there was no commitment. He decided that he could live with this. He looked down at the ground blushing furiously.

"Asuka," he said lightly squeezing her hand and glancing at her from the corner of his eyes, "I don't want to let go."

This time there was no doubt of the fact that she was blushing. She made no effort to hide it as she stared forward, deliberately avoiding his eyes.

"I don't want to let go either."

The two of them walked on in relative comfort, enjoying the warmth of each other's company. Shinji decided that if the day had to end like this, then maybe it wasn't such a bad day after all.

Of course he decided that before Asuka added one last thing to the conversation.

"But if you tell anybody about this, I'll kill you."

---------

There was little speculation given to the reason why Ryoji Kaji was often seen washing his clothes in the basement of an apartment complex that he did not live in. The women there seemed to find his presence exciting in a way. To them watching clothes being washed was not an interesting activity, but dreaming of the attractive man across the room taking you up into his arms and doing things that your husband wouldn't dream of… well that was a little more exciting. It didn't hurt that the man was quite charming. With his scruffy, uncontrolled beard that probably took hours to cultivate, and that winning smile he flashes you when he innocently asks if it's safe to put bleach in with the colors load... who could resist him?

No, it was not surprising that the man could so easily get away with using a private facility for free and blocking up several machines at once. But when one truly sat down to think about it, they would have to wonder why he would choose this particular apartment. The location was more than a little inconvenient, being numerous city blocks away from his home. And speaking of his apartment, there was bound to be a washer and dyer there as well. So the question is, what was on this man's mind? What was there here that could cause this man to go out of his way to accomplish his menial chores? No one knows for sure. But those closest to the issue, those who knew Ryoji Kaji best, they believed that his reasoning was centered on one thing and one thing only.

"Panties"

"Excuse me," asked the boy not looking up from the task of folding his recently washed collection of clothes. He himself was wearing a plain white button up shirt and a blue pair of slacks that seemed to complement his overall look of mediocrity. Kaji had to give it to the kid. He had absolutely no style, yet somehow he had managed to gain access to the one true treasure that most women guarded greatly.

"I'm just congratulating you, kid," he said as he threw his award-winning smile at the young man's unheeding back. "I've never seen a man surrounded by so many… and at such a young age too. You must knock'em dead kid."

"Knock who dead?" asked the confused boy. This whole conversation seemed to be going straight over his head. "And surrounded by what?"

If he had been more observant, the man might have noticed something familiar about the boy's slumped posture, and the tense manner in which he conducted the conversation. He might have recognized the boy's whinny, nasally voice and stopped this line of communication before things got out of hand. Needless to say, Kaji was not an observant man… at least not when off duty.

"Panties," he whispered somewhat excitedly. The boy's shoulders went rigid and he let out an audible squeak. Even though he was fairly sure he had heard it before, that had not been the answer he was expecting.

He slowly turned around to face the creepy man who was disturbing his work. "Listen sir, I don't really feel comfortable talking about that kind of…" But he slowly trailed off when he realized that that creepy man was someone who he knew.

"Mr. Kaji?" he asked in disbelief.

"Shinji?" asked Kaji in an equal state of shock.

For a moment, the two of them stared at each other as if they were willing the other to disappear. The awkwardness was so think in the air that you could cut it with a spoon (a knife would be to normal). It was a while before Kaji spoke, breaking the silence.

"Eh… what brings you here today Shinji?"

"I live here," stated Shinji flatly.

"I see… and how is that going."

"It's going fine, sir," said Shinji looking down at the tiled floor.

"Misato's not keeping you up late is she?" asked the man with a weird glint in his eye.

"No, sir," said Shinji, not quite catching the meaning behind his tone.

"That's a shame," said Kaji shaking his head slowly. He motioned towards the pile of clothing on the folding table and said, "She has you washing them and she won't even let you in them."

"In them?" asked Shinji once again confused. "Why would I want to be in them?"

Shinji merely watched in amazement at Kaji's lack of shame as he discretely picked up a bright red pair and twirled it around his index finger.

"There's more joy in these little pieces of cloth than you could ever imagine, kid."

"I'm sorry Mr. Kaji, but I'm not following you."

"You really need to get out kid…" said the scruffy bearded man, once again shaking his head, but his face turned gravely serious in an instance. "Shinji, I want you to listen to me and listen well."

"Yes Mr. Kaji," said the boy. The man's sudden change of countenance had him more than a little worried.

"Please just call me Kaji. Mr. Kaji makes me feel old."

"Ok, Mr. Kaji…" said Shinji quickly. Kaji sighed.

"Anyways… I'm worried about you kid."

"Why's that Mr. Kaji?" asked Shinji nervously dropping a blouse he had been folding.

"I'm worried that you're getting nothing out of this."

"Out of what?"

"_This_" said Kaji gesturing toward the pile of clothes once again.

Shinji blinked several times before saying, "Huh?"

The man paused to scratch idly at his beard. "Asuka was right about you…"

"What did she say?" asked Shinji a little too eagerly, an action that did not escape the older man's attention.

"Never mind… back to what I was saying. You can't let women push you around like this." Shinji opened his mouth to protest, but Kaji held up a hand to silence him. "No, not even a woman as sumptuous as Katsuragi. You see, Shinji, women are like cows. And you know what you get from cows?"

Shinji cast his eyes to the corners on the room.

"Milk, Shinji, you get milk."

"Oh…" muttered the boy, feeling rather stupid.

"But the problem with cows is that in order to get the milk you have to work for it. You have to get down in the mud and pull on those utters until she gives you what you want."

Shinji visibly paled.

"Yes, I know it seems like nasty work. But if you do it right, both you and the cow will be happy. The cow experiences relief and you have your milk. But what you're doing now… well you're not getting any milk. If the cow's not willing to give it up, you can pull on those utters all day and make her happy, but at the end of the day you're still pouring water in your cereal. You understand?"

"I think so," said Shinji hesitantly, "but I don't get why you'd eat cereal at the end of the day…"

It wasn't often that NERV Special Inspector Ryoji Kaji groaned, but under the circumstances he was hardly to be blamed.

"Forget about the cereal… just don't let Katsuragi order you around, alright?"

"Ok," said Shinji quickly, "But these aren't Misato's clothes."

Kaji's face fell. "They aren't?"

"No," said Shinji with regretful undertones.

"Then whose are they?"

"They're Asuka's."

The pair of panties still twirling around Kaji's finger fell silently to the floor.

"I see," said Kaji with an almost pained look on his face. But he quickly sobered as he realized what this knew information meant.

"Shinji, you lucky dog," said the man with his ever-empowering grin. "I was beginning to think you were a prude! You live with two beautiful women, I should have known you were getting in one of their panties!"

"Mr. Kaji, I don't know what you heard, but I am not a cross-dresser!" exclaimed Shinji a bit too loudly.

Several of the other occupants of the room stared at the two of them. The women of the laundry mat couldn't believe that such a nice man as Kaji would be involved in such a derogatory conversation. Kaji flashed them all a smile that easily convinced them that nothing happened.

"That's not exactly what I meant," said Kaji scratching at the back of his neck.

"Oh," said Shinji in embarrassment. "What did you mean?"

"I mean, you're _getting_ _busy_ with Asuka."

"Busy? Busy doing what?" asked Shinji much too innocently for a boy his age.

"_Doing it!_"

"Doing what?"

"You know… the _hokey-pokey_, the _horizontal-tango_?"

"I don't know how to dance," confessed Shinji sadly.

"I'm not talking about dancing!"

"Well, I don't know what you're trying to say…"

Kaji sighed again. This had turned into one of the most difficult conversations he'd had all week. And that's saying something with a job like his. The man leaned close and whispered one three letter word into the boy's ear. Shinji's eyes widened.

"Asuka and I… w-we don't do that!"

"I see," said Kaji quietly. "So you're still not getting anything out of this? What a shame."

"No," said Shinji defensively. "I'm getting loads out of this!"

"Somehow I doubt that, kid."

"It's true!" said Shinji persistently.

"You said it yourself, you're not getting any."

"Getting any what?"

"Let's not start that again."

"Right…"

"But it's okay kid," said Kaji comfortingly. "Some men just don't know how to milk the cow."

"I know how to milk the cow!" said Shinji in an irritated tone.

"Then why are you still eating your cereal with water?"

Shinji wasn't sure what it was about this conversation, but Kaji's words were really getting to him. He took deep, angry breaths to steady himself, but failed.

"I'll have you know that my cereal is very milky!" he said between clenched teeth.

The older man merely chuckled.

"I didn't know you felt so strongly about it," he said flashing Shinji his most disarming smile. Shinji came to his senses. "Tell me, how milky is your cereal?"

"Well…" said the boy hesitantly "It's not that milky… I mean there's milk there, but… you know…"

"Would you say it's whole milk?"

"Well... no… maybe two percent…."

Kaji laughed again.

"If you don't mind me being a little forward, how far have you gotten?"

Shinji blushed.

"I probably shouldn't say…"

"Come on," Kaji persisted. "We're both men here. You can tell me."

"Well I would… but Asuka said I shouldn't… so…"

"So you're whipped," stated Kaji plainly

"I'm not whipped!" Shinji almost yelled.

"Then tell me."

"I… I can't."

"Wha-chi!" exclaimed Kaji.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Shinji.

"Oh, that?" asked Kaji innocently. "That's just the sound of you being whipped."

"I'm not whipped!"

"Then name one thing she's let you do."

Shinji's face colored again. "Well there's the time when… I really shouldn't say this."

"Wha-chi!" exclaimed Kaji this time adding a theatrical flick of his wrist.

"But I'll be in serious trouble if I tell anyone."

"Wha-chi!"

"I'm serious Mr. Kaji, she said she'd kill me!"

"Wha-chi!" exclaimed Kaji.

"Alright, alright, just stop making that stupid noise!"

The man shrugged at the boy's insult of his patented whip noise and made a gesture with his hand that indicated the boy should continue.

"Well…" said Shinji.

"Yeah…" said Kaji encouragingly.

"You know that night… when the angel attacked…"

"Uh-huh," said Kaji impatiently.

"Well, me and Asuka were walking home…"

"Yeah…"

"And she was talking about how she'd hurt me if I ever put myself in danger again…"

"That's not good," said Kaji frowning. "But continue."

"And then she said her hands were cold…"

Shinji then blushed and Kaji knew he was going to deliver the goods.

"Go on…"

"And then…"

"Yeah…"

"She… she…"

"She what?"

"She grabbed my hand," said Shinji in a state of excited-embarrassment.

Kaji blinked and waited for the boy to continue.

"Is that it?"

"Well, no. I mean we walked home holding hands the whole rest of the way."

Needless to say, Kaji was quite disappointed.

"So you mean to tell me, that you never even kissed her?"

"Well… this one time… but I don't think it counts because she brushed her teeth afterward."

"And you call that two percent? Kid, I wouldn't even call that soy milk."

Shinji's old irritation with the man returned.

"She let's me hold her hand all the time!… I mean as long as no one else is around."

"Wha-chi!"

"Stop that! She's very nice to me… and she says I'm special to her... and…"

"And you wash her clothes," Kaji pointed out.

"Well yeah… I mean we both decided that it'd be a good idea for me to take care of these kinds of things… she's really bad at housework… and…"

"And she does nothing for you in return."

"Well sometimes she helps me with homework… if she's not too busy… or if she feels like it… or if-"

"Wha-chi!" exclaimed Kaji, pushing Shinji to a place he didn't want to go. In that moment his anger and irritation overcame his better judgment and he let his biggest secret slip.

"SHE TOLD ME SHE LOVES ME!" he yelled.

The whole room froze. All eyes were focused on the boy. Shinji slowly brought his breathing back under control and looked around the room to see everyone staring at him. His cheeks were flaming. Luckily Kaji was there to flash them all his "sorry about that" smile. One-by-one the occupants of the laundry mat began to return their attention to their clothing.

"You can't, burst out like that kid… the smile only works so many times."

"I'm sorry," said Shinji quietly staring at his shoes.

"No, I'm the one who should be sorry," said Kaji with a shake of his head.

"Huh?"

"I didn't realize it was that bad for you, kid. I mean I knew she had you whipped, but man… she's masterful."

"Didn't you hear what I said?" asked Shinji. "She loves me. I'm not whipped. She thinks I'm special."

"Then how come she only lets you hold her hand?"

"Because… we're taking things slow."

"Then why is she afraid to let anyone else know you're going out?"

"She wants this to be easy for us… just in case things don't work out… you know?"

"But if she loves you and you obviously care for her, why wouldn't things work out?"

"It's not that she doesn't think it'll work out…"

"Then what is it?" asked the man almost wearily

Shinji sighed.

"It's like this. Right now, we're just doing what we're doing. If either one of us wants to stop it's okay, and neither one of us will get mad. She's just leaving us a way out, you know?"

"That's where you're wrong, kid," said Kaji sadly. "She's leaving herself a way out. Because you don't want out and she knows it. You adore her. You worship the ground she walks on. You wash her dirty underwear. But girls like her… even if they find a guy like you who wouldn't dream of hurting them, they'll always want to make sure there's an easy way out of the situation."

"You're wrong," said Shinji passionately. "Asuka's not like that."

Kaji smiled sadly. "Kid, she's been trained to have an exit strategy since before you were riding bicycles."

"Asuka wouldn't… I mean she…" The boy frowned for a moment before his face darkened. "I don't have to talk to you about this."

There was a tense moment in which the two men stared into each others eyes. A beeping sound went off and Kaji looked down at his watch.

"You know, kid, you're right. You don't have to talk to me or anyone else about this. You can go on doing her chores and holding her hand until she dumps you, and expects you to be happy about it. Or maybe you're right, maybe she won't just leave you. Maybe she really does love you." The man paused and scratched at his beard, never breaking eye contact. "But as long as you let her run your relationship like this, she'll never respect you. And even if one day she lets you in those panties you're folding, it won't even matter. Because she'll always treat you like dirty laundry."

There was silence again, but neither man was willing to break eye contact. The two were engaged in some sort of macho staring contest and testosterone was flowing between their sockets.

"Well, my clothes are done," said Kaji plainly. Shinji watched as the man walked to the other side of the room, opened up a dryer and threw all of his clothes unceremoniously into a laundry basket. The man then walked back over to the folding table, basket in hand, and set his clothes on the table as he fumbled through his pockets, producing a rectangular white card.

"Here's my card, kid. If you ever need some help, or you just want to talk about it, ring me up, ok? Believe it or not, I've been where you are and I know it's not an easy place to be."

Shinji merely grabbed the card out of the man's hands and nodded. Kaji then grabbed his basket and climbed the stairs out of the basement without so much as a goodbye.

Shinji let out a breath.

He went back to the task of folding clothes without any further distractions.

When he was finished, he returned upstairs to his room and spent the rest of the evening contemplating the best way to loose Kaji's card.

--------------

**AN: **Not really much to say here. I mean, I like this story a lot. I got some pretty good ideas as to where this is going and I hope you all like it as well... I just wish I didn't feel like I was stalling on my other stories. Ah well... catch you later.


	2. Knowing Your Place

**AN:** There are a couple of things I would like you to keep in mind while reading this story. The first concerns the Eva timeline. What's an Eva timeline? I haven't heard of any "Eva timeline", but I'll tell you if I find one lying around somewhere. The other thing that you should remember is that I don't know a lick about Japanese culture (beside what I have gleaned from other fanfics). So unless I say otherwise or it's obvious that what I'm describing has to do with Japan, everything pertains to American culture, even if it is a Japanese setting. That's just the way things are between us. If you don't like it you can stop reading and I won't get mad, just like if I don't like it I can stop writing and I wouldn't expect you to get mad.

**Whipped**

**Chapter 2: Knowing Your Place**

It was somewhat cold in the Katsuragi apartment when Shinji woke up the following morning. Misato made a habit of keeping the thermostat as low as humanly bearable in order to save money. With not only her own salary, but also a portion of her two charges' salaries under her belt, it was a wonder that she would ever have to worry about saving cash. When Ritsuko once asked her about it, she responded by saying it was an old habit of hers and mumbled something about 'waste not, want not'. To this Ritsuko made a comment about Misato's wasteful alcohol usage, implying that this was where the money was truly going. In response, Misato sophisticatedly explained how Ritsuko's lineage crossed paths with that of a female dog and suggested that it would be best that she kept her enlarged and rather overweight mouth shut.

As Shinji groggily opened his eyes he was greeted by the red glow of his alarm clock. It read 5:44 AM. He quickly stretched out his arm and struck the 'off' button before the machine had a chance to emit its high pitched beeping sound. He didn't want to wake Asuka. She hated the sound of alarm clocks.

Shinji was quite surprised that he had awakened so late this morning. He usually woke up at 5:30, only setting the alarm as a safeguard to keep himself from being late. But after his conversation with Mr. Kaji the last night, he hadn't been able to sleep very well. It wasn't that he believed the man was right or anything… he just couldn't understand how someone could draw such conclusions about his and Asuka's relationship. The two of them cared deeply for each other and if anyone could see them together, they'd know that.

_Of course, no one **will** see us together..._ he thought darkly. But the thought was quickly put out of mind as he had much work to do.

After handling some business in the bathroom, Shinji made his way to the kitchen and prepared himself to make the morning's breakfast. First he set to the task of finding all the ingredients and utensils he would need. And then, after he had accomplished this task, something amazing happened.

Shinji was no longer himself. He had become someone greater. He was reborn the master chef of the prestigious Hotel Katsuragi. Boxes were opened with lightning fast fingers.

Ingredients were measured by eyesight with cold precision. Eggs shells were cracked cleanly, mixtures were mixed thoroughly, and all food was cooked evenly. In short, food was made perfectly. And with such flare too! The master chef was not satisfied with perfect food. He was a master of preparation presentation.

Spoons were flipped behind his back only to be caught by the other hand without so much as a glance in its direction. Pancakes were flipped out of pans and perfectly rotated 540 degrees in mid air (because 180 degrees just isn't good enough). And a lot of other cool stuff was done as well.

When Shinji was finished, he surveyed all that he had created and saw that it was good. He let out a contented sigh. This was his element. This is what he was born to do. As he looked over the perfectly set table adorned with the perfectly prepared food he couldn't stop himself from thinking, _This is where I belong_.

He looked up at the microwave clock and saw that it read 6:00. It was time for him to wake Asuka. He quietly made his way to her room and slid her door open. He was careful not to bump into anything, least he startle the girl from her slumber (under the wrong conditions she often woke up swinging). When he arrived at her bedside he reached his hand out to shake her awake, but stopped mid-motion. He knew that he should just get it over with, but something always seemed to hold him back. Instead he just stood there, staring at her profile outlined by the dim light of the fading stars in the morning light.

When she had first moved into the apartment with Misato and him, Shinji had been deathly afraid of stepping into the girl's room. This was largely due to the fact that she had threatened to take his life in retaliation to such an action. But since they had started seeing each other she had become more lax on these rules, even opting to have him wake her up in the mornings since she hated waking to the sound of an alarm clock. But every time he stepped foot in the room Shinji couldn't help but feel nervous. And this wasn't just the lingering effects of Asuka's threat.

The reason Shinji was always on edge when he entered Asuka's room during her slumber was simple: Asuka was asleep in there. Whenever he looked at her face while she slept, he couldn't help but think that she'd never looked more beautiful. And he couldn't help but think back to the time when they were undergoing their synchronization training and he almost… kissed her. He couldn't help but think how horribly vulnerable she was in that state. And he couldn't help but wonder why she'd ever trust him to see her that way.

So it was no surprise that the poor guy couldn't stop himself from staring at her, if only for a little while. But when the clock on her nightstand reached 6:06 he decided that he couldn't delay waking her up any longer. He reached down to touch her shoulder and gently shook her awake.

Asuka's first response was to groan. Shinji knew from personal experience that she was not a morning person. Her second response was to slowly open her eyes. When she saw that someone had the nerve to enter her room and dared to stand looming above her, her fist quickly rose to make contact with the offending person's jaw. Shinji instinctively flinched away. But before a connection of the deepest kind could be made between the two of them, Asuka realized who it was that was waking her and abruptly pulled back her fist.

She grumbled something about startling her and him being gentler, but Shinji didn't quite pick up on it. He looked down at her anxiously wondering if he'd done something wrong. When she saw the almost frightened look on his face, her own face softened. Before she could stop herself, her lips curled into a small comforting smile.

For the second time in half an hour, Shinji couldn't stop himself from thinking, _This is where I belong._

------------

For the occupants of classroom 2-A, class was a game of some sorts. Everyone understood, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that learning would occur at some point in the day. And while this knowledge depressed many of the students, there was also a counter-balance to this. It is an activity in which all students take part of in one form or another that most like to call "goofing off". Although the term "screwing around" is also accepted.

But let it not be said that their kindly old teacher did not run a tight classroom, quite the contrary actually. While Mr. Karosaga was anything but a tyrant (thus the phrase kindly old teacher), anyone who's suffered through a complete week of cleaning the classroom by themselves can tell you that rule breakers are aptly punished. Likewise, those who follow the rules, ask questions in class, and who sneak him candy bars when other students aren't looking, receive respect and in many cases leniency. The man did everything right in handling his students, but there was one flaw in his method: He loved to talk.

All it took was one question from an inquisitive face to sidetrack the man. One moment he would be talking informatively about pre-impact history and then someone would make a simple comment. "I wonder what it was _really_ like back then." And then he was off. Explaining the ins and outs of how things were in the _good old days_, back when things were _simple_, and life was _wholesome_. Back when you could get a _whole_ double-cheese burger for only a _dollar_, and if you looked _real_ hard you could still see a few stars in the sky at night. Mr. Karosaga understood that these kids these days didn't understand what life was really all about. That's why when anyone commented on how his students were playing him for a fool he would always wave it off saying, "I can't deprive our youths of the knowledge. They_ are_ the future you know." But that didn't stop him from frowning heavily as he observed Shinji obviously staring at his computer screen with a stupid smile on his face.

_ALS says: Look up, stupid. Could you be more obvious?_

He briefly considered replying with something corny like "obviously in love with you" but thought better of it. He had never actually said the L-word before and he didn't want the first time to be in an instant message. It'd be setting a horrible trend for the future. First you're saying I love you, then you're sending little e-hugs and e-kisses, and before you know it you've popped the question online. Now there's a story for the grandkids_. I looked down at the screen and saw those words I'd always wanted to read! And then I franticly typed 'yes, yes a thousand times yes' in all capitals._

A shudder went down Shinji's spine, which did nothing to alleviate his teacher's suspicion.

"Mr. Ikari, if you have something more important to do, I suggest you do it outside of my classroom. Or maybe we could work on whatever it is that's captured your attention together. In detention."

Shinji went as straight as a board. When he spoke, it was in a stuttering whisper.

"I-I was just taking notes, sir." He wasn't sure if he was really shaking that much or if it was just a side effect of his rapid heartbeat.

"Really? Then what was the last thing I said?"

Shinji was stumped.

"Let me… uh… let me check my notes."

By the time Shinji's eyes had glanced back down at his screen there were three new instant messages waiting for him on his laptop. Each of them read:

"The Berlin Wall fell in 1989."

"Lucky guess," muttered Mr. Karosaga under his breath. Maybe those hacks in the teachers lounge were right. He _was_ getting too old for this. Without further interruptions, class resumed and Shinji got a textual butt whooping.

_ALS says: How many times do I have to tell you? Type with your eyes looking forward and only look down at the screen when you know he's not looking at you. I know you're not the smartest guy in the world, but it's not rocket science._

_SI says: I'm sorry_

_**Click **_

Shinji clicked over to a different message box.

_TS says: What's up with you man? That's the third time this week you got caught with your hands in your pants and your head in the clouds._

_SI says: I'm sorry_

_SI says: … and my hands are above the desk._

_**Click **_

_KA says: I don't understand how a guy like you could ever become a pilot. You can't even look straight and type at the same time. They should have picked me. I can look straight, type, and discreetly chew fruity flavored bubble gum, too._

Shinji heard a loud popping noise from Kensuke's general direction.

_SI says: I'm sorry_

_**Click **_

_HH says: You're a nice guy and I know you've got a lot on your mind, but if you don't start paying attention I'm going to have to report you._

_SI says: I'm sorry. Please don't. I'll pay attention._

_**Click**_

_ALS says: God, you're so dumb sometimes. It's not even funny how dumb you are._

_ALS says: If Hikari knew about us, I wouldn't even joke about how stupid you are because I know that neither of us would laugh because you're just so darn dumb._

_ALS says: At least I never have to worry about you cheating on me. You're way too dumb to keep it a secret._

_ALS says: Are you even paying attention to me?_

_SI says: I'm sorry. Everyone keeps messaging me. I'll be right back_

_**Click**_

_KA says: Look what you did! Now I'm in trouble for chewing gum! I have to clean the classroom for a whole week. Some pilot you are!_

_SI says: What does you getting caught have to do with… never mind. I'm sorry._

_**Click**_

_ALS says: Who else are you talking to?_

_ALS says: It's one of the stooges, isn't it? Well I don't care if it's the queen of England. I take priority here and you better not forget it!_

_ALS says: Did you read what I just typed? What the heck is taking you so long to respond to this!_

_SI says: You type very quickly. I'm sorry. I think I just got Kensuke in trouble or something._

_**Click**_

_TS says: Now you got Kensuke in trouble. That's not cool at all, man. And all this trouble because you couldn't wait till you got home to wank it._

_SI says: I'm sorry about Kensuke, but MY HANDS ARE ABOVE THE DESK._

_**Click**_

_ALS says: You're doing it right now aren't you! You're talking to someone else!_

_ALS says: I bet it's Toji._

_ALS says: It is Toji, isn't it?_

_ALS says: well I hope you two are happy together. I wonder what he'll do when you try to hold his hand as you walk to school. I bet he'll like it._

_SI says: I'm sorry Asuka. Please don't be mad. I had to answer him, he thinks I'm looking at… stuff._

_ALS: What type of stuff?_

_SI says: Bad stuff_

_ALS: Like what?_

_SI says: I'd rather not say._

_**Click**_

_TS says: Look man you know I'm just messing with you right?_

_TS says: but if you aren't looking at girls then what's taking you so long?_

_TS says: I knew it! You play the innocent guy and all that crap but you're just as bad as the rest of us._

_TS says: Wow, it must be pretty good if you still haven't replied._

_TS says: Can I get the website?_

_SI says: There is no website!_

_TS says: So you've got it downloaded? Even better. The school can't track that._

_**Click**_

_SI says: I'M NOT LOOKING AT PORN_

_HH says: …no one said you were._

_SI says: I'm sorry. Wrong message box… please don't tell anybody about this_

_HH says: Okay Ikari, but you shouldn't be messaging to begin with. I told you, I'm going to have to report you._

_HH says: Who were you talking with?_

_SI says: Toji… but it's not his fault_

_HH says: Suzahara? Really? Did he say anything about me? Crap…I didn't mean to say that! But wait, why am I sending any of this? I could just have easily deleted the whole message!_

_HH says: Please don't tell anyone about this!_

_SI says: about what?_

_HH says: Exactly. Asuka was wrong about you. I guess I can let you off the hook this time._

_SI says: What did Asuka say about me?_

_HH says: That's really none of your business Ikari. Now pay attention!_

_SI says: okay… sorry._

_**Click**_

_ALS says: Why won't you tell me?_

_ALS says: It can't be that bad. Unless…_

_ALS says: You're looking at porn aren't you?_

_ALS says: Oh my god you are!_

_ALS says: So I'm not good enough for you now? You have to go fantasize about those trashy women?_

_ALS says: Your silence says it all! I bet you're dating other girls too! Aren't you? _

_ALS says: Aren't you?_

_ALS says: WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME!!!_

_SI says: I'm sorry… it was Horaki this time._

_ALS says: Hikari! How low can you get? She's my best friend! And what do you mean by this time? There've been others? We've only been going out for two weeks!_

_SI says: NO! You've got it all wrong!_

_ALS says: Of course it's been two weeks! I can't believe you! First you start looking at porn, then you go mess around behind my back, and now you're telling me I can't tell the passage of time!_

_SI says: NO! I'm not looking at porn and I'm not dating Horaki! She was just mad at me because I wasn't paying attention. And I barely convinced her not to report me. And she's staring daggers at me right now! I'm sorry but I really have to go._

_ALS says: Oh… well this is all you're fault. If you had just looked up like I told you, none of this would have happened._

_SI says: I'm sorry._

_ALS says: You know I hate it when you say that. Makes me think **I've **done something wrong._

_SI says: I'm sorry._

_ALS says: Shut Up!_

_SI says: I'm sorry._

_ALS says: I guess I'm glad that you didn't get detention. Even if you can't type and look forward, at least you can still walk me home._

_SI says: Talk to you later_

_ALS says: You're so dumb._

_**Click Click Click Click**_

All message boxes were closed.

----------

"You can't say he's been acting normal."

"He's a pilot, Toji. For them there is no normal… only extraordinary!"

"He's not extraordinary! He's just Shinji. And what type of word is extraordinary anyways? Extra means more and ordinary means ordinary. So when you put them together you should get 'more ordinary' not greater than ordinary."

"I guess you have a point."

"So you agree that he's been acting oddly?"

"No, I mean extraordinary is a stupid word. Honestly, Shinji's no more odd than usual."

"Uh… you guys do know I'm right here, right?"

"You see that Kensuke! He just stood up for himself!"

"Hmm… That is very un-Shinji-like."

"And that's not all man! He keeps making these strange smiling faces at his laptop during class and he got you in trouble and he won't share his… ahem… 'explicit material' with me."

"Really though, I've been walking with you guys the whole time. I can here everything you're saying about me… and I don't have explicit material!"

"Don't remind me about class. That old geezer has me working the whole week just for chewing one piece of gum. Can somebody tell me how that's fair? If Shinji wasn't a pilot I'd strangle him."

"Yeah, yeah, we all know you're a geek, but try and pay attention here. Just the fact that Shinji is looking at that stuff is messed up. And him not sharing is even weirder. The kid would give you his left arm if you asked him enough times. And he'd never try and get you in trouble like that. That's just so… not him."

"I really don't see how I got Kensuke in trouble. I mean, _I_ didn't make him blow bubbles into his gum. Why can't we just drop it? I already apologized."

"There he goes again! Stickin' up for himself like he has some sort of pride or something!"

"It seems to me like you're way too interested in this Toji. What's it to you anyways?"

"I, uh, I just think it's weird that's all."

"I think you're worried."

"Me? Worried? No!"

"That's good. I always thought you preferred more assertive men anyways."

"What?"

"What?"

"Don't play stupid. We all know you've just been waiting for the perfect moment to ask Shinji out."

Toji took a wide swing at Kensuke and missed. It seemed that the geeky, yet smart-alecky kid was much too fast for his jock-like, yet secretly sensitive friend. Shinji just put his hand to his forehead and sighed. He desperately wished that the school's courtyard (where most students usually went to eat lunch) wasn't on the other side of the building.

It wasn't that Shinji didn't like walking through the halls with his friends. They weren't necessarily the nicest people he knew, but at least they put up with him and (for the most part) understood him. There were no other people in the world, besides Rei and Asuka, who even had an inkling of the stress put on him by Eva. And in the back of his mind he registered that them talking about him the way that they did showed that they truly did care… well at least Toji did.

And didn't they have a point? He had been acting strangely. Yeah, he'd been smiling more. He couldn't help it. Sure he'd been careless with schoolwork and a tad out of it when it came to his personal relationships, but it wasn't anything he could change. Maybe he had been sticking up for himself a little more than usual. Maybe it was because he finally had a reason to take pride in who he was. And it was sad, it truly was a shame that his friends would never know that all of this was happening because of one girl in his life.

"Asuka!" Shinji exclaimed as he violently bumped heads with said girl. The two of them both leaned back rubbing their heads. Shinji took this brief moment to consider how unlikely it was that anything of the sort would ever happen.

_I know I was kinda out of it, but what are the chances that we would run into each other without noticing. And wouldn't Toji, Kensuke, or Horaki have warned us? It just seems so unlikely. Like something out of a sitcom. Or a horribly bad fan fiction._

These thoughts only lingered in the third child's head for a moment as he was quickly shaken to reality by Asuka's "rage". For reasons unbeknown to Shinji, the second child had grabbed him by the shoulders and was now staring at him with a fire he knew he could never quite match.

"Watch where you're going, you klutz!" she said and for a moment Shinji was taken aback. But then something clicked together in his mind and he remembered who he was dealing with.

Shinji somehow managed to meet Asuka's gaze as he said in the most serious tone possible, "I'm sorry. Not everyone can be as perfect as you are."

Hikari, Toji, and Kensuke all gasped as they each expected Shinji's life to violently end in a moments notice. Asuka, however, just smirked and said, "Don't you forget it. And remember to bring my lunch out with you." Without further words, she walked off down the hallway leaving three stunned (and one lightly smiling) teenagers in her wake. A moment later Hikari was trailing off after her friend, leaving Shinji to deal with his own. Kensuke still had his mouth hanging open, when Toji roughly grabbed Shinji roughly by the shoulders and pinned him up against a locker.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, but you better bring back the Shinjiness!" Toji yelled.

"It's really not that big a deal," said Shinji adverting his eyes.

"He didn't even flinch," said Kensuke in disbelief as if he was commenting on a pig that suddenly decided to fly.

"You talked back to the devil!" said Toji almost in a rage of sorts.

"And she was all in his face," said Kensuke to no one in particular. His face was turned downward in the most peculiar of frowns.

"She's not that bad… I mean she messes with me all the time. I'm used to it."

"She didn't even get mad at you!" said Toji, really seeming to lose his cool.

"Well… she's probably just getting used to me. We do live together."

"And her hands…" mumbled Kensuke discretely to himself. "Her hands were on… his shoulders?"

Seeing how useless the conversation was becoming Toji let Shinji go. He walked off towards the courtyard shaking his head all the way. Shinji thought about calling after him, but was cut off by a question asked by his other friend. Kensuke looked directing into Shinji's face and calmly asked the following:

"What the f-"

----------

The answer to the question above (which was cut off for the sake of censorship) is simply that it was a game. At least that's the way Shinji saw it. It was a thrill of sorts to flirt with the possibility of their closest friends finding out about them.

He understood that when Asuka pretended to be mad at him for running into her, it was for the benefit of those around them. He knew that when she yelled at him and called him a klutz it was so that no one in the school would even half-way entertain the thought that she was going soft. But at the same time he also understood that when she grabbed him by his shoulders and stared intensely into his eyes that it was completely for her own benefit.

It was moments like these in which Shinji thought he'd never feel more alive. The way she touched him for no other reason than to say to herself (and to him) that he was her own. The way she devoured him slowly with her forceful gaze and told him (in her own way) that the rest of the world could disappear and she wouldn't care as long as she had him to hold onto. It was time's like these when he knew, not thought, but _knew _that he loved her. And as he sat on the couch in Misato's living room sitting as close to Asuka as was reasonable with Misato in the room, he couldn't help but think that it was days like these that he lived for.

"Do you really think I'm a klutz?" It wasn't the fact that he asked the question that through Asuka off. It was a relatively safe question to ask given that Misato was asleep and it didn't directly pertain to their relationship. It was more the way that he asked it that somewhat startled her out of the comfortable silence that the three of them had settled into (some settled deeper than others). So she let the sounds of the romantic comedy that Misato had rented filter through the apartment before answering.

"Yeah, you're a klutz." As she said it she glanced over at him from the corner of her eyes only to met by Shinji's slightly defeated frown. "It's not like you trip over everything in sight," she reasoned, "but you do seem to lose motor control when you've got something on your mind."

"Only when I'm thinking of you," said Shinji blushing before he even finished the sentence. He was filled with a great satisfaction in seeing that Asuka was lightly blushing as well. While Asuka was not unmoved by a flattering complement she was hardly one to get flustered.

"Knock it off Casanova," she whispered quietly. "Misato's right there."

"But she's sleep," Shinji protested. Misato was more than unconscious. She was in an alcohol-induced coma. It seemed that she always had a few two many when she watched films of a romantic nature. "Besides, don't you want to know if I really think you're perfect?"

Asuka recognized this as an even more childish attempt to butter her up, but for some reason she couldn't resist him this time. "Okay, I'll bite. Even though I'm pretty sure I know where this is going."

"I don't think you're perfect," said Shinji softly. The look on Asuka's face clearly showed that that wasn't exactly what she had in mind. Shinji quickly remedied the issue by saying, "But I do think you're the closest to perfection that I'll ever reach."

"That is quite possibly the corniest thing I've ever heard you say."

Shinji was almost discouraged, but when he looked over at Asuka he saw that her lips held a small smile. And she had that glint in her eyes. The one that said, "if it wasn't for Misato and if we weren't taking things slow, I'd be all over you right now." Of course Shinji, being the timid boy that he is, didn't view it that way. He thought the look said something more along the lines of "I really want to hold your hand." An easy silence settled between the two of them and somehow or another Shinji found himself staring into Asuka's commanding eyes. In that moment, he knew without a doubt, that if the situation were different they would be holding hands… maybe even more. Even though he knew that it wasn't her fault, he cursed Misato in his mind.

_It's okay kid._ Said a voice in Shinji's mind. _Some men just don't know how to milk the cow._

Maybe Misato wasn't the only reason that Asuka wasn't reaching out to touch him. Maybe, she was just waiting for Shinji to make the move. The more he thought about it the more sense it made.

_It's not like I've never held her hand before. She's not even shy about it in public, as long as no one we know is around. And Misato is sound asleep. An earthquake couldn't wake her. Well maybe an earthquake… those are pretty loud and shaky. But Pen-Pen has been pecking at her leg for over half an hour and she didn't even so much as grunt. I mean sure in the past Asuka's always taken what she wanted… so she'd probably be holding my hand if she really wanted to. But maybe it's time I tried to get what I want. Did I forget to feed Pen-Pen this morning? Is that why he's pecking Misato so brutally? Why is Asuka staring at me like I'm sick or something? This isn't that hard. I'll just take what I want. That's what a man does. I want to hold her hand. And she likes me so she'll let me. Although a lot of time has passed since I began this mental dialogue and I'll bet the moment has passed. Maybe she doesn't even want to hold my hand right now. But no, I'm just chickening out. I'll take what I want, because I want it. It doesn't always have to be about her. And how else will I look Mr. Kaji in the face?_

Gone was the scared and misgiving face that had somewhat worried Asuka for the majority of the time it took Shinji to finish his mental musings. It was replaced by a look of utmost confidence.

_I'm so going to milk this cow!_

Without further delay Shinji slowly brought his hand down to Asuka's lap where he found her hand patiently waiting. He felt the warmth and the acceptance that he had so longed for and valiantly thought, 'suck on that Mr. Kaji!'

"Shinji, no."

He didn't verbalize the feeling, but every fiber of Shinji's being screamed, "huh?" However, when he looked up everything became clear. It was written all over Asuka's face. The disappointed frown she wore, the light crease in her brow, and that look in her eyes that told you everything about you was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. This wasn't just mild rejection, this rejection was complete. This was a rejection from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. This was a rejection from the greatest heights of mental development to the deepest depths of man's very soul. No, Asuka wasn't just saying she didn't like what he was doing. She was saying that she despised him for everything he was. Suddenly Shinji understood what it felt like to be a house pet left outside.

"No," she said again with more force than before. Shinji quickly withdrew his hand from hers as if the physical contact was causing him pain. He abruptly got up from his seat on the couch causing Pen-Pen to squawk and startling even Misato from her slumber.

"Huh wha-" cried Misato before gaining her bearings. "I was just resting my eyes!" With no further words the violet-haired major took her leave into her room. Shinji and Asuka were finally alone, but the circumstances were less than optimal.

"I…" Shinji began to apologize before turning the statement in a completely different direction. "Pen-Pen needs food." Dutifully Shinji made his way into the kitchen to feed the poor flightless bird. Though Shinji did not take one backward glance, Pen-Pen could not leave the room without giving the German girl a piece of his mind.

He waddled his way in front of her looked up into her remarkably weary blue eyes and uttered a single indignant "Wark!" before waddling off after Shinji. For reasons that she will never quite understand, Asuka Langley Soryu was moved by guilt.

She slowly and hesitantly made her way into the kitchen, each step taken more begrudgingly than the last. When she reached her destination she was greeted by the sight of Shinji's back as he sat backwards on a chair, petting Pen-Pen as he silently ate. Shinji's chin rested heavily upon his left arm, which was resting heavily on the back of the chair, while his right arm dangled loosely down to where the penguin sat. In Asuka's mind, the picture was complete: it was an image of complete dejection.

"Shinji," she said softly. The boy in question continued to stare off into some fixed point in the kitchen, but his shoulders visibly tensed. His right hand ceased its stroking motion. Pen-Pen predictably continued to eat.

"I'm not going to say I'm sorry," said Asuka as she lightly placed her hands on his shoulders. She slowly began to lightly kneed and massage the skin around that area. "But you know better than to try anything while Misato is around." Before Shinji could even begin to respond, Asuka was sitting behind him on the chair, leaning lightly into his back with her head resting up against his. She slowly ran her fingers through his short hair.

"Shinji," Asuka said once again as if he hadn't heard her. "Maybe one day… everyone will know about us. We won't have to hide it. We'll tell Misato together and she'll tease us about it. Hikari and I will laugh about you behind your back. Heck, we'll even tell you're boneheaded friends." At these last words she playfully rapped a fist against Shinji's head for emphasis.

"But you understand, don't you?" she said so softly it sent shivers down his spine. "I'm not ready for them to know. I just… I can't deal with it yet. You're not mad are you?"

Shinji closed his eyes and let out a breath.

"No… I'm not mad."

Shinji didn't see it, but Asuka smiled. It wasn't a happy smile, or even a relieved smile. It was a sick sort of smile… the kind that one smiles only for one's self.

"I'm glad, then," she said quite truthfully. "I don't like it when you're hurt."

"I know."

"You just have to be patient with me. Okay?"

"Alright," said Shinji wearily. When Asuka was so close to him, it was nearly impossible for him to think. "I just… I need to get some sleep."

"Okay, Shinji," said Asuka sweetly. It was comforting to hear her speak in such a voice, but at the same time somehow wrong. "Goodnight." As she got up from her spot behind him she placed a light kiss on his cheek, before turning and walking out of the kitchen.

Shinji lightly traced the spot with his hand. A small part of him wished that she hadn't bothered.

----------

Thinking was hard for Shinji that night. He had tried to sleep and realized that he couldn't with so much on his mind. So instead he tried to work out his problems, but was met with difficulty as he found himself to be much too tired for coherent thought.

_She said no… but she kissed me._

He'd been in bed for about two hours and that was as far as he'd gotten. Every time he thought that he had broke new ground it always came back to this one realization. So he tried again to go to sleep, but found that tossing and turning was the only thing he'd be getting accomplished that night.

As he turned to the right for what seemed like the hundredth time, he was met by the sight of his nightstand. The alarm clock read 2:00 AM. He'd be waking up in less than 4 hours… assuming he slept at all that night.

But as these thoughts entered his mind he was distracted by something else on the nightstand. When Shinji squinted his eyes through the darkness, he saw that it was a white and rectangular something. After picking that something up and bringing it up to his face for closer examination, he found that that something just happened to be the card of one Ryoji Kaji.

"I thought I threw this out," Shinji whispered into the darkness. But then he remembered what had happened when he came upstairs from folding the laundry the night before. He had gone to throw the card out, but found that there was no bag in the garbage can in his room. He knew that most people wouldn't have a problem throwing something out without a bag, but it wasn't going to happen on his watch. So instead he placed the card on his nightstand.

Which brings us back to the present. Before Shinji knew what he was doing he had his cell phone in hand and was dialing the number. His finger hovered over the button that read "send".

"Do I really want to call him?" he mused aloud. "He's worse than Misato. He'll just make fun of me."

_I've been where you are and I know it's not an easy place to be._

In an impulsive move he pressed the send button, sealing his fate. The phone began to ring and he briefly thought of hanging up. _Better not… he probably has caller ID._ Shinji didn't have to wait long before Kaji answered.

"Kaji's Love Shack, how can I help you miss?"

"Uh… this is… uh Shinji…"

There was silence on both ends.

"You shouldn't call this number after 10:37, kid."

"I… uh… I'm sorry… I can call later… if you're busy."

Kaji sighed tiredly. "Nah I'm up now. To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"

"It's… it's Asuka…"

"Bad huh?" said Kaji sympathetically. It was less of a question and more of a statement.

"Yeah…"

"What happened, kid?"

"I tried… I tried to do like you said."

"You tried to milk the cow?"

"Yeah… and she… she just…"

"She rejected you…"

"Yeah… I just wanted to hold her hand… but Misato-"

"Misato was there…"

"Yeah… but it's getting sort of annoying to have you-"

"Finish all your sentences?"

"Yeah…"

"Sorry… Continue."

"Well… She just… she pulled away… well not physically pulled away, but it was worse. And she said no… but when she said it… it was like she was saying no to everything I could ever ask of her. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that look… that look she gave me. It was like… like I'd done the worst thing I could possibly do. It was like I'd crossed a line that I didn't even know was there… it was like… it was like she was saying… it was like she was telling me to…"

"It was like she was telling you to get back in your place."

Once again there was silence on both ends. It was a silence born of sadness.

"Mr. Kaji…"

"Yes, Shinji?"

"I never want to see that look on her face again."

On the other end of the line Kaji smiled encouragingly, but Shinji never saw it.

"Don't worry kid… Just come to work on Monday, It'll all be taken care of…"

Shinji was glad that no one could see tears over the phone.

----------

**AN: **I had lots of trouble with this chapter. Lot's of trouble indeed. I just wasn't sure how to introduce Toji, Kensuke and Hikari into the story. So instead of coming up with some fabulous, creative, never-seen-before, plot device I decided to do a cheesy, run-of-the-mill chat room thing. Three scoops of mediocrity for everyone! Oh well, at least it was funny… I think. Well I'll stop babbling and let the story speak for itself. See ya next chapter. Until then, long days and pleasant nights.


	3. Perception

**A/N: **Chapter three is here and I'm beginning to wonder what I'm doing. I'm not sure if I'm using humor appropriately here, but whatever. I stumbled upon these lyrics on a forum as I was looking up "Best Lyrics" on yahoo. Surprisingly I found them after I wrote the bulk of this. So no, it's not my inspiration for this chapter. It just fit so well, I couldn't leave it out. Plus, everybody's doing the song/poem before chapter thing. Who would I be if I didn't jump on the passing bandwagon?

**Whipped**

**Chapter 3: Perception**

_If she wants she will destroy you  
But if you lay her down for a kiss __  
Her little heart it could explode __  
- Eels, Beloved Monster_

Relax…

They told him to relax.

He was submerged in liquid and surrounded by the smell of blood (somewhere deep in his mind this would always equate to drowning) yet they told him to relax. And he did it. Because they told him to. And Shinji Ikari did as he was told.

Despite his desire to comply with their demands, relaxing was one thing that Shinji wasn't very good at. He realized that on the whole he was a very tense person. Enough people had told him this that he'd be a fool not to believe it. It wasn't that he wanted to be uptight or anything. In fact, he desired the exact opposite effect. He was sure that he could be calm too, if it weren't for the fact that he was always trying to calm himself down.

He once awkwardly voiced this fact to his superiors and they offered him a simple solution: distraction. They told him to close his eyes and go somewhere else. He countered this by rationally pointing out that he wasn't supposed to move the Eva during synchronization tests and that even if he was aloud to do so he wouldn't know where he was going if he had his eyes closed. They responded by telling him that he was an idiot. Then they told him to go somewhere else _in his mind_. Shinji did what he was told. And surprisingly, he found he was good at it.

He could go anywhere. Really he could. He could almost perfectly picture past events of his lifetime. Anything he hadn't already lived he could just as easily imagine. Sometimes he imagined worlds that were never meant to be and lives that had never existed. Other times he dredged up his nearest and dearest memories in High Definition.

He remembered the first time he'd played the cello… successfully. He remembered the day that his teacher's wife had decided to teach him to cook. He recalled the moment that Misato came to the train station to welcome him back home. And though much pain accompanied the memory, he recalled the first and only time that Asuka had said she loved him.

But this time, his mind focused on a more recent memory. This moment in time, like all the others, was one he would never forget.

----------

_Shinji hadn't lied when he said he wasn't mad. Actually he wasn't angry at all. He wasn't even sure why she'd expect him to be. But this didn't mean that the boy didn't have strong feelings about the redhead's actions. It was these feelings that caused him to hesitate in waking Asuka up the next morning. Make note that this hesitation was not born out of desire to view the more aesthetic features of the second child. His hesitance was born out of pure and unadulterated fear._

_"I'm being stupid," he said aloud. He knew it was true. She wouldn't hurt him. She wanted him to wake her up. Their punctuality depended upon it. She wouldn't be mad at him for touching her. Of course, not. She'd just wake up calmly and sweetly cut out his heart with her vicious stare of self-righteousness… that's all._

_"I'm being stupid," he said again. It was 6:15 and at this rate they were going to be late. They already were going to have to take the trip to school at a rather brisk pace. Shinji figured that if nothing else she'd be ticked off about that. The longer he waited, the worse this situation was going to get. And still he didn't move._

_"This is so dumb," he said. Asuka was his girlfriend (or something like it). He was not supposed to be afraid of his girlfriend, this much he knew. He braced himself both mentally and physically. He reached down his hand and hovered it over her shoulder. He took a deep breath. Sweat was trickling down his forehead._

_"This is it," he thought to himself. "It's face her now, or face her never." With one last shaky breath, Shinji moved his hand from over the girls shoulder and hovered it over her alarm clock instead. He began the relatively simple task of setting it for exactly 2 minutes from the current time. He figured that would give him plenty of time to sneak out of the room, grab a piece of toast, and run to school before she could catch up to him and kill him. It turned out that "face her never" was the more desirable option for the boy._

_"I'm such a coward," he said when the alarm was finally set._

_"You'll get no arguments from me," said Asuka. Shinji's heartbeat came to a standstill. He didn't manage to move an inch before the girl sat up and wrapped her hand around his wrist. But he didn't try to run. He just stared into her eyes, paralyzed with fright. Her face was a mask of seriousness. It was quite unnerving._

_"Asuka… I was just going to… wake you up… I was… just now…"_

_"You know I hate alarms."_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"You're pretty pathetic, you know?"_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"If I wanted I could really hurt you. You know that, right?"_

_"I know." He didn't even bother to wonder why she would say such a thing._

_"But I don't want to."_

_Shinji was silent. Asuka's mouth dipped downward into a frown._

_"But you're hurt anyways."_

_"I… I'm just… we're probably going to be late."_

_There was a pull on his arm. Shinji remembered that quite well. It was quite a surprise. He remembered stumbling forward and even falling into Asuka a bit. He tried to pull himself up again, feeling that this whole thing was an accident somehow caused by himself. But there was a hand behind his head now. That hand was not letting go. The new hand (Asuka's right) pulled his head forward and in an instance Shinji saw that Asuka's head was moving forward as well. This was no slow motion though and there was quite a bit of pressure when the two heads collided… at the lips. Shinji almost pulled back in surprise, but he really had no chance since Asuka's hand was still behind his head. The pressure of the collision softened as she pulled her head back an immeasurable distance. It was enough to make the experience less forceful, yet not enough to cause the two of them to break contact. Then girl just held her lips against his lightly. In a way it almost tickled. And before Shinji could completely register this into tangible thought, Asuka had released his head and pulled back from him._

_Shinji stared at a point on Asuka's face that rested somewhere between her nose and her upper lip. He wasn't quite aware that he was staring at anything. However, his eyes moved upward to meet hers when she began to talk._

_"I want you to know that it's okay. I don't hold last night against you or anything. I've thought about it and I think I understand. You need something… you need to take something from this and that's okay. So as long as we're by ourselves you can have this. Understand? If you want it, you can have it."_

_In the silence that followed, her eyes bore furiously into his. The raw emotion displayed there told him all he needed to know. This wasn't a game, it wasn't a joke, and it most certainly wasn't fleeting passion._

_This was a proposition. Of that there was no doubt._

_Shinji found that he greatly desired what she had to offer._

----------

"Good job Shinji," said Misato's voice from the sound feed. There was something about her voice that Shinji always liked. Compassionate. It was the only word he could think of when trying to describe it. "You can come out now. Your sync ratio is up three percentage points. Whatever you're doing, keep it up!"

"Thanks Misato."

Sometimes reality moves slowly. It took Shinji a while to realize that his fingers were still touching his lips. It took even longer for him to realize the implications of Misato's words. He looked at his hands… they looked the same as always. He glanced at the entry plug's metal exit hatch. It showed no signs of changing. He looked back down to his hands and placed them on the metal exit hatch. As he opened the door, a strange yet powerful thought hit him.

_I did a good job. With these hands of mine…_

He realized in the moments to follow that his hands had absolutely nothing to do with sync ratios. For some reason this didn't seem to mater in the slightest.

----------

The halls of NERV are very wide and often empty. The chances of running into another human being at any given time are quite slim. On a good day you can even hear your footsteps echo. This is a fact that has been taken advantage of by many a NERV employee. At any given point in time (even during angel attacks) there is some lone person walking down the hall openly singing a catchy tune. Why even Rei Ayanami has been caught humming a segment of Dvorak's "New World Symphony" from time to time.

Shinji, however, had learned to refrain from such activities. In the beginning he had been timid, lightly humming bits of Ode to Joy and a piano concerto that he hadn't learned the name of. But as time went on he found that there really was no one around to hear him. He began to openly sing the notes in a series of "do do's" and "la da's". He even moved his hands to the beats in imitation of an orchestral maestro. Shinji knew that he held no particular talent when it came to the vocal arts, yet he was quickly discovering that these boisterous singing sessions were the highlight of his day.

But all good things must come to an end. During one particularly engaging vocal excursion, Shinji found himself expertly performing Beethoven's Bohemian Rhapsody. His hands were flailing wildly in the air as he lost himself in the moment. He was so utterly wrapped up in the experience that he failed to notice that he was not alone.

"F-Father!" he exclaimed once this realization dawned on him.

"Pilot," said Gendo with a nod as he walked passed the stunned boy. The man gave absolutely no indication that what his son was doing was odd. In a strange way, this made the situation even more awkward. However, what sealed the deal on the contract bid for "most embarrassing moment of Shinji Ikari's life" was what happened after his father had walked a bit farther down the hall. Shinji could never be sure, but he thought he heard a monotone "how queer" emanate from that general direction. In any case, he never sung in the hallways of NERV again.

So as he made his way towards the pilot locker rooms stifling silence surrounded him. While this silence was largely uncomfortable by nature, it provided him with a rare opportunity to observe certain things that he would otherwise not have noticed. For instance, the strange squeaking noise his shoes made as he walked, or the light swishing noise of his pants as his legs brushed by each other. That and you could hear the singing, humming, and whispered conversations of others from miles away.

"… coming a mile away. It was bound to happen really."

It only took Shinji a moment to recognize that voice. Compassion.

He could hear someone else speaking as well, but they were talking to softly for him to discern the words… not that he was eavesdropping. He couldn't help it. Misato wasn't being quiet by any stretch of the word.

"You just can't accept that my keen instincts picked up on this before you did," said Misato in petulant tones.

The second voice spoke again and Shinji recognized the speaker. It was the good doctor herself, Ritsuko. As he drew closer to the source of the sound the words became clearer. Not that he was straining to hear… it was just a natural response. That's all.

"… closer they are in proximity together the more they are drawn to each other. It's called the propinquity effect. And a second grader could have guessed it just as easily."

For a second Shinji thought he might have an idea what they were talking about, but what Misato said next pretty much blew his understanding out of the water.

"You make it sound as if you'd get the same results shoving a peacock and a hamster into a box!"

Ritsuko seemed virtually unaffected by this rather unusual argument presented by the major. She only paused for a moment before responding.

"No. It's an inherently homo sapien trait. But that's besides the point. Your theory could have been reached by anyone with the ability to put one and two together. There's no chemistry involved here. Just common sense."

"No chemistry!" cried Misato in near outrage. "Have you even looked at these numbers? Their scores went up at the same increment! The same increment! Even you can't explain that."

"I do admit that it's statistically improbable."

"Ha!" exclaimed Misato triumphantly. Shinji couldn't help but feel a little triumphant himself. Though he never quite showed it, he had always found Misato's enthusiasm to be infectious… if not a little embarrassing. But both of them were disappointed at the doctor's next words.

"However, we both know there have been much more improbable occurrences in the past of Project E. And even though this… incident… is somewhat intriguing, it would require extensive research to prove that it wasn't merely a fluke. And I for one don't have the time or the interest to look that deeply into this. Especially not for the simplistic purpose of proving you wrong."

Misato let out an indignant "humph!"

"You just can't accept the fact that there are things that extend beyond the realm of science. Things that you can't understand!"

"And you can't accept that this is not a fairytale with knights and princesses. This is the security of humanity. Not a soap opera."

"Did you discuss this theory with your cats while you were sitting by yourself in your dark lonely… How long have you been standing there, Shinji?"

Shinji (who could no longer pretend that he was not eavesdropping) had in fact been standing there in the doorway to Ritsuko's office for about a full minute, quietly listening to the discourse. But when he went to respond the only words that came out were "I… uh… umm… passing by… talking loudly… sounded interesting… didn't mean to…"

"Don't you know that it's impolite to listen in on grown-up's conversations," said the resident doctor. Shinji got the distinct impression that she must have been talking to a five-year-old standing behind his back. But when he glanced behind him, all he saw was an empty hallway.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Ritsuko sighed. "Never mind. Run along Shinji," she said with a wave of her hand. "Go play."

"Yes ma'am," Shinji replied dutifully as he quickly fled the room. But in his mind he thought '_Go play?_'

After he was a decent distance away he heard the two women began to speak again.

"You know he is fourteen. Only a handful of years away from being a man. You don't have to talk to him like a four-year-old."

Shinji decided that he disagreed with Misato. Ritsuko was talking to him like a five-year-old, not a four-year-old. But he figured it really didn't matter, since the conversation obviously didn't pertain to him in the least.

After Ritsuko spoke her next words, he wasn't so sure anymore.

"Four or fourteen, he's still just a child. Complete with erratic behaviors and undeveloped brain patterns. So is she for that matter. And that's why it'll never work."

----------

On impulse, Shinji walked faster. He was generally not in a hurry to get… well anywhere. But when he got nervous, he couldn't help but accelerate his pace a bit. Given the situation he had much right to be nervous.

_Misato knew!_

And if Misato knew, then that meant anyone might know. It wasn't that he thought his guardian was a nosey incessant gossiper. That was never the problem. The real issue was that he knew Misato was a nosey incessant gossiper. Not only was Misato a horrible gossiper, she was also horribly good at it. He'd never seen a person spread information as quickly and accurately as her.

On one particular occasion he had found himself on the receiving end of this miracle of communication. Within a day of accidentally exposing himself to the woman (it wasn't his fault… especially when you took the bathing penguin into account) he had heard whispers about the size of his giblets throughout all of NERV. To this day Maya Ibuki could barely walk past him without blushing.

_But maybe I'm overreacting to this. Sure Misato probably knows, but maybe she didn't tell anyone besides Doctor Akagi. I mean, when she spread that rumor about me before we barely knew each other. She was probably just surprised that some strange boy who she hardly knew was strutting around in front of her. I'm sure by now she's learned to use some discretion when talking about our personal lives. I mean, she knows that Asuka and I aren't the type of people who'd want to spread something like this around so she'd probably just keep the knowledge to herself. Right?_

He was wrong of course.

"Hey there he is," said a technician as Shinji walked by. Though he knew it to be a fatal mistake, his feet ceased to move. He had seen the man working on the Evangelion on one occasion. He was polishing the armor protecting Unit-02's pinky toe. Currently he and a bunch of other employees were sitting at a table in the staff cafeteria.

"Congratulations sir." Though he held no rank, lower level employees often called him sir. It was a tad unsettling.

"Congratulations?" He played dumb. It was the smartest move he could make.

"Don't be shy," said a female employee who's face he just couldn't peg. Though she seemed relatively nice, her voice was just a tad bit too patronizing for his liking. "We're all very happy for the two of you."

"Yeah," said a man sitting at a table behind the two of them. "It's not often we get good news around here."

Shinji hated himself for blushing almost as much as he hated them for putting him on the spot like this. "Uh… Do you mean the sync ratios?"

_Please be the sync ratios, please be the sync ratios, please be the sync ra-_

Everyone laughed. "_Sync Ratios!_" exclaimed the pedicurist. "This kid!"

It was the "Yeah" man who spoke up next.

"I suppose you could call it a special kind of synchronization, if you know what I mean."

At this everyone laughed again. Even Shinji chuckled a little, if only out of nervousness. He was afraid that he knew exactly what the "Yeah" man meant.

"Well we won't keep you, sir," said the first tech. "I'm sure you want to get out of that getup as soon as possible."

Shinji looked down at himself and realized he was still wearing his plug suit. Of course he was. The whole purpose of this trip was to make it to the men's locker room. He certainly hadn't walked all this way with the intentions of being severely embarrassed and having his secrets exposed to the world. So yes, he did want to get out of there as soon as possible.

"Goodbye," he said awkwardly and continued to walk towards the locker rooms.

"Just try not to let your _synchronizing_ distract you from you duties, sir."

It was the woman, of course. He knew there was a reason he didn't like her.

As the cafeteria erupted in raucous laughter Shinji silently wondered, "Why'd she have to say it like _that_?"

----------

_Okay, calm down. It's not that bad… maybe it's okay. I'm sure it's just the people in the staff cafeteria who know about it. Only them… and Misato… and Dr. Akagi. Yeah. Surely Asuka hadn't found out yet. She went to the locker rooms pretty quick. So…maybe she has no idea._

_And maybe she's been walking around in a soundproof box ever since the test._

Shinji was not a convincing rationalizer.

As he made his way into the men's locker room he realized that he was sweating into his plug suit. This just wasn't good. The whole of NERV knew about his relationship with the second pilot. Misato would probably tease him to kingdom come. And to top it all off, he now smelled like both blood and sweat. But at least he wouldn't have to worry about it for much longer. Asuka was surely going to murder him the first time she had the chance (_I don't say things I don't mean_).

And then a crazy thought entered his head. One that overpowered all the rest.

_I want to live!_

He ran the rest of the way to the men's locker room, threw off his plug suit as fast as he could, and hopped into the shower before the water even had a chance to warm up. Grabbing a rag and bottle of body wash he quickly went to work with cleaning up. In less than two minutes he was out of there and drying off. The clothes came next. He put his jeans on two legs at a time. His shirt somehow ended up backwards. His socks were inside out, but for some reason they actually felt good that way. But there was no time to contemplate this, as he had to move fast.

_If I hurry up and get out of here I can probably make it back home before Asuka and Misato. I'll grab a bunch of clothes and throw them in my backpack. Definitely grab the winter coat… who knows how long I'll be out there on my own? And maybe I'll take some money from Misato's secret stash. It's not like she doesn't owe me about half a paycheck. I could use it to put myself up in a hotel for a few nights or so… just like a little vacation before I start my life on the streets. And after that I'll just live in a shelter or something and beg on the corners in the city. I could play my cello with the case open. That way I'm earning the money, not just being one of those lazy good-for-nothings that Asuka's always complaining about. And then when I get lonely I'll go find a stray dog and feed it. And it'll follow me everywhere. We'll be the best of friends…the only companion I'll have in a sad lonely world… maybe I'll name it Asuka. Nah, too cliché. I'll think of the name when the time comes. I'm sure that if I brush up on my playing, the dog and I'll be able to eat and live our lives peacefully. And then maybe…_

"What the heck am I thinking?" asked Shinji aloud.

"That's what I want to know."

Shinji froze. Why was Asuka behind him? Why did her voice sound so low and jagged? Why wasn't he currently running for his life? He didn't even turn around. He just sat there, shaking in fear.

"I offer myself to you. I treat you nicely. I let you closer than… than anybody else. I told you that I… that I _love you_." She spit those words with poison. It was quite possibly the worst thing Shinji had ever heard. "And then you have the nerve… you have the-the audacity… to go behind my back and betray me like this!"

"Sorry?"

Wrong answer. Before he could begin to react she had grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back. Shinji let out a pained "Ah!" He was relatively sure that his arm wasn't supposed to bend that way.

"Who did you tell?"

"I just… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to- AHHH!"

She twisted it.

"Who did you tell?"

"It was only one person and it slipped out by- AHHH!"

"Who was it?"

"It was Mr. Kaji. I swear I didn't tell anyone el- AHHH!"

"You told Kaji!" she yelled. "Out of all the people you could have told you had to pick him!"

"Sorry, I- GEEZE!"

"I can't believe you!"

"It wasn't my fault… he – he tricked me!"

"Tricked you? How?"

"I don't know… I was doing your laundry. And then we were talking about all the chores I do. And he said you were a cow -OWW!- he said it not me! And he said I wasn't getting anything from you, but I told him that wasn't true. But he wouldn't believe me. So I said that I milked you –AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! God my arm!"

"Save it Shinji!" She was beyond reasoning with. "I only asked one thing of you. One simple thing, and you couldn't even do that."

Two fingers went into the crevice between his neck and his shoulder blade. Though Shinji had never been, he imagined that it hurt like Hell.

"I trusted you Shinji!" she yelled adding more pressure with the two fingers. "And you let me down."

"AH! Please! I'm sorry!"

The next words she spoke were delivered in a low emotionless monotone. It was decidedly worse than the shouting.

"You don't talk anymore. You don't look at me, you don't speak to me, you don't breathe my air."

The fingers dug their way deeper still. Shinji couldn't remember ever feeling so much pain.

"When you think of me, you remember this pain." If he hadn't been in a world of suffering, Shinji might have been shocked to hear her voice wavering with emotion at her next words.

"You remember how it feels to be stabbed in the back."

The fingers dug in at full strength. She wasn't holding back anymore. The last thing he heard before he passed out was the sound of his own deafening screams.

----------

**Thud thud thud th-thud thud thud th-th-thud th-thud th-thud thud thud thud**

Typing… for some reason there was never any confusion as to what the sound was. Still Shinji found it odd to be waking to such a sound when he was obviously still in the locker room dying from the pain that Asuka had inflicted on him. But upon opening his eyes and closely observing the material of his button down shirt he realized that he had his head in the crook of his left elbow. Upon closer observation he realized that he was sitting in a semi-padded office chair, which just happened to be stationed in a location that looked nothing like the men's locker room. Upon the raising of his head and even closer consideration, Shinji realized that he was in fact in an office and not in the locker room. And based upon the face of the man sitting opposite him, still typing on his desktop computer, this was the office of one Ryoji Kaji.

Shinji understandably groaned.

"Ah, good morning sunshine," said the man without raising his head from it's view of the monitor. "It's good to see you're among the living. I thought we lost you there for a second."

"lost me?" asked the boy.

"You were laying on the ground unconscious and breathing heavily. I thought you were having a heart attack or something. But after I flipped you over, you looked all right so I lugged you back here. Figured you just needed a little rest or something."

Shinji tried his best to wrap his head around the situation. He concluded that he did not like being indebted to the man who caused the whole situation in the first place. It made him feel dirty.

"Thanks…" he mumbled reluctantly.

"No problem kid. If there's anything I've learned, it's that us men have to look out for our own." Kaji winked good-naturedly, an act that Shinji found quite unsettling. The man threw a passing glance at the boy's arm. "It's a vicious world out there…as you're now well aware of."

"I can't feel my arm anymore…" said Shinji sadly. There was little shock associated with this realization. Only a grim awareness.

"Don't be dramatic."

"I'm serious. I've been trying to move it for a while now… but it just sits there."

Kaji grimaced. "Well why didn't you say something?"

"It's not really that bad," said Shinji conversationally. "I'll just learn to use my left hand more. I'm sure it won't effect my piloting much at all. And I'm sure Mr. Karosaga will understand if my handwriting is a little off." Shinji smiled softly. "And before long I'll be a regular functioning person. And maybe by then Asuka will be able to stand the sight of me long enough to be in the same room without desiring to break my other arm as well."

His eyes were red and watery. Kaji was moved to compassion. It was quite a pitiful sight.

"Ah, suck it up kid," he said comfortingly. "I'll take a look at the arm. I doubt it's that bad at all."

"Suck it up?" asked Shinji incredulously. "Is that all you have to say to me?"

Kaji shrugged. "Pretty much."

"This is all your fault! I told you about us in… in _manly confidence_! And in less than a week everybody knows about it!"

Kaji shrugged again. "Yeah, you probably should have kept it to yourself. Now do you want me to look at the arm or not?"

"Kept it… to myself… I…You… I can't believe…"

Shinji wracked his brain wildly for some sort of retort, but came up dry. In the end he just sighed and bowed his head down to his chest. Kaji took this as a yes. The man made his way over to the boy and began to examine his arm.

"hmm…" he said reflectively. Shinji paid him no mind. Kaji commenced his poking and prodding.

"hmm..." he said again. Shinji continued to stare at his legs. "Well nothing looks broken or dislocated. So that's good."

Shinji let out a noncommittal grunt.

"Did you feel anything I just did?"

Shinji shook his head.

"Then it's probably neurological." The man concluded. "Tell me what she did."

"She just twisted it behind my back," said Shinji quietly. "It hurt a lot."

"Did she do anything else?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Well… she did pres into this one part on my shoulder. That hurt a lot too."

Kaji moved his right hand up to Shinji's shoulder.

"Did she touch you here?"

"I told you, I can't feel a thing."

Kaji took a short breath. "Then look at it."

Shinji raised his head to see where the man was resting his fingers.

"That's not the spot… it was a little higher."

"Was it here?"

"No, that's too high."

"How about here?"

"No, you're still too- OWWW, AH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"Yep, it's there."

"Let go! It hurts!"

"It's about to hurt a lot worse."

"What do you mean worse? What are you going to- JESUS!"

Kaji relentlessly pressed two fingers into the hollow of Shinji's shoulder. The boy let out a small stifled scream.

"Why the heck did you do that!" he yelled.

"It's a pressure point," Kaji explained. "She got you at a pressure point."

"Well, you didn't have to go and get me there too!"

"How's the arm?"

"Good, but that's besides the-" Shinji cut himself off.

There was a small pause in conversation before Kaji said, "You're welcome." Naturally Shinji was still a bit sour.

"Well it still hurts a bit…"

"That's to be expected."

"And my fingers feel really numb…"

"It'll take a few minutes for the blood to start flowing back that way. She got your nerve pretty darn good."

"She hate's me," said Shinji with a bit of a crack at the end. He was glad he had full use of both arms again. He was finally able to put his head in his hands.

"Come on, kid. It's really not that bad."

"Yes it is… she hates me."

"Did she say that?"

Shinji raised his head up a tad. "No… but it's true."

Kaji sighed.

"Well what _did_ she say?"

"A lot of things…"

"What was the worse?"

"She said that I stabbed her in the back."

"But did she actually break up with you?"

"Might as well have."

"But did she?"

"No…" Shinji admitted reluctantly. His head went back into his hands. "I just wish… why couldn't I keep my mouth shut?"

"Cheer up kid," said Kaji placing a hand on his shoulder. Shinji stiffened at the contact. "She passed."

"Passed?"

"That's right, passed."

"What are you talking about?"

Kaji was only mildly annoyed at his ignorance. "You're still together. So she passed the test."

"You mean… this was a test?"

He was clearly going to need time to wrap his mind around this.

"Yup," the older man said with a crooked smile. "Congratulations, she really likes you kid." Shinji didn't quite buy it.

"How do you figure?"

"You're pretty slow, you know that?"

"Yeah I know… bu- wait!"

"It's pretty simple really. She told you explicitly that revealing your relationship to anyone was a deal breaker. But the deal still stands. That means that…" he made a gesture indicating that the sentence should be finished for him, but Shinji didn't quite catch on.

"It means that she likes you," said Kaji with a shake of his head. "I just said it two seconds ago."

"But she nearly broke my arm," Shinji persisted.

"It was nothing permanent. Not even long lasting damage."

Shinji frowned. "But I don't get it. If she likes me, then why would she try and hurt me to begin with."

"She was scared."

"She didn't sound scared," said Shinji remembering the raw hatred in her voice.

Kaji sighed.

"Look kid. The girl thinks she's got you under her thumb. And for the most part she's right. She says jump and you jump. You don't ask how high because you don't really have to. She's already told you."

"She's not like th-" Kaji easily cut him off.

"But when you pull a little stunt like you did today-"

"But I didn't pull any-"

"Then she starts to think that maybe, just maybe she doesn't have as much control as she thought she did."

"But I don't see how that would make her-"

"So she feels that she has to remind you (and herself) of the authority that she has. But she can't do that with out cracking a few eggs. And that is why she momentarily crippled your arm."

Shinji took a second to let this sink in. He supposed it made sense on some level, but part of it was still a mystery to him. He thought about it for a moment and came up with a conclusion.

"She hates me."

Kaji groaned. "She doesn't hate you. She's just really ticked off right now."

"But if she's not happy with me, what am I supposed to do?"

It did nothing for Shinji's self-esteem to hear Kaji laughing.

"_What do I do if she's not happy with me?_" said Kaji in a mockingly nasally voice. "It's a miracle you made it past the age of 7."

"I'm serious!"

"So am I, kid. If you're honestly that bothered with someone being just a little mad at you then you might as well lay down and die now. It'd be a lot quicker and a lot less painful."

"She paralyzed my arm!"

Kaji shrugged. "A mere technicality. What you're failing to realize is that by this time next week she'll have forgotten about the whole thing… well she probably won't forget it since she is a female and all… but the whole thing will be water under the bridge."

Shinji put his head back in his hands. It fit well there.

"I wish I had your optimism," he said pitifully.

"Trust me kid, I give it a week, two weeks max and she'll have you eating out of her hands again."

Shinji frowned. "Don't you mean?… oh." He decided to take the shot in stride. Maybe that was the best option he had. Every time he made a big deal of these things they only got worse.

"So," he said feeling a little less hopeless. "I guess I just apologize and wait until she's not mad anymore."

"Not exactly. If you apologize, that makes you wrong."

"But I _was_ wrong."

"No, you weren't. You just made a small isolated mistake which she blew out of proportions damaging both your relationship and your personal mental health."

Shinji laughed bitterly. "Asuka will never see it that way. Even I don't buy that."

Kaji smiled viciously. Shinji wasn't sure if people should be able to smile like that… with that look of utmost confidence.

"That's because it's bull crap."

"huh?"

"Bull crap. In this case, a complete fabrication designed to put a positive light on an otherwise negative situation."

"I can't… I can't lie to her. I suck at it… and I'd feel bad."

"I thought you'd say that," said Kaji, smile firmly in place. "What you fail to realize is that lying is not a process of having the other person _buy_ your crap, but a process of you _selling_ your crap to them."

"Hmm" said Shinji. It wasn't an 'I'm interested' hmm, but more of an 'I'm skeptical and really don't trust you because you got me in this mess in the first place' type hmm.

"Think of it this way. The world is ruled by perception. We judge things by the way they are presented to us. If you paint a shack and move in furniture, it's a house. If you give a bum a bath and dress him in a tux, he's a gentleman. If you sprinkle parsley in tomato soup and give it a fancy French name, it's a gourmet meal. It's all about that way you put it out there."

For a moment Shinji thought about this intently.

"But how do I sprinkle parsley into my soup?"

"Out of all the analogies you had to pick that one?"

"I… well… you said it first," Shinji stuttered.

Kaji ignored him.

"You play this one by ear kid. You pay attention to everything she does. Every time she throws a biting remark at you, every evil glance you receive, and each and every time you see those frigid cold shoulders, I want you to make a tally in your head. You will not apologize and you will not look pitiful. You will wait her out. And when you find that the tallies on her emotional abuse go down, that's when you make your move."

"My move?" The concept was as foreign to him as quantum physics.

"Yes, your move. You're going to approach her carefully. And you're going to invite her out on a date."

"A… date?"

"Yes a date. Try to stay with me here."

"Right…"

"Chances are she'll turn you down. Not so much because she's still mad at you, but more because you haven't been showing her any of the heart-wrenching remorse that she expected to see out of you. But what you do is, tell her that you want to make things up to her. No. You are not apologizing. You are _making things up to her_. And if she still doesn't bite you take her to someplace fancy."

Shinji paled. "Fancy?"

"Really kid you're killing me."

"Sorry…"

"You take her someplace she's never been before. Maybe that nice Italian place off the corner of main. Or that new Cajun spot that just opened up by the old JSSDF military depot. She'll jump at that."

"But what if she doesn't?"

"Then you get down on your knees and beg," Kaji stated plainly. At the look on Shinji's face he added, "But it probably won't come to that."

Shinji was hardly reassured. Kaji hardly cared.

"So when you get there you take things slow. You order your food, make small talk, and do everything you can to avoid talking about what happened. And then you wait for a silent moment. That one moment when your eyes meet and you see that look on her face that says, 'I'd forgive you if only you said the right thing'. You gaze into those beautiful blue eyes of hers and you let yourself get lost. You fake nothing with this girl because she'll be sure to sense it. You just feel the emotion naturally flowing between the two of you."

His voice dropped a few octaves for dramatic effect.

"And then you say the following: 'I'm sorry if what I said and/or did hurt you'. Remember this. You're not sorry that you said/did what you said/did, but you're sorry that it hurt _her_. And you leave a little pause here so that those words can sink in. Now comes the bull. 'I just…' stop again, let her know this is hard for you to say. Then go on and never look back. 'Being with you these few weeks have been the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. When I look into your eyes, it's like heaven on Earth. And even though I wanted to keep this a secret for you I couldn't. I had to tell someone because I just…' Smile at her here. The best smile you've got. Spare nothing. Then you put your hand on top of hers like so," It seriously creeped Shinji out to have another man hold his hand, "you summon the most honestly honest and most sincerely sincere voice you have and say, 'I can't believe that I have someone as beautiful as you in my life.'"

Shinji stared at Kaji wide eyed. "And you think she'll fall for that?"

"Hook, line, and sinker."

"Hmm…" said Shinji. This hmm had a more contemplative quality. "I don't know."

"There's nothing to know, kid. Just do what I say and it'll all work out fine." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. After a little rustling through several compartments his fingers withdrew holding two bills which he promptly extended to his young counterpart. After some small gesturing, Shinji was persuaded to take them. While examining the bills, his eyes widened in shock.

"But this is-"

"I know how much it is," said Kaji dismissively. "And I want my change back when you're done. I know where you live."

"I can't… I can't take this much…"

"Think of it as a gift from one man to another. A friendly favor which can always be returned in due time."

"I…" Shinji frowned. Then despite himself his lips twisted upward into a small smile. "Thank you Mr. Kaji."

"Don't sweat it, kid. Thank me when that girl of yours is back on your arm again."

Shinji had never held that much money in his entire life. The meager allowance that Misato awarded him with paled in comparison. Maybe if he had had the forethought to save up his money, he wouldn't be quite as shocked to see such a large sum in his possession. But as things stood he was left in awe, fumbling blindly for the right words to say in order to express his gratitude. He was spared the trouble when Kaji spoke up again.

"Now get out of here. I've got work to do."

"Huh?"

Kaji point to his desk and spoke slowly. "Office. Computer. Work."

"Oh. Yeah…" said Shinji. He felt a little guilty as he realized that his personal problems had distracted the man from his duties. "Sorry about that…"

"Don't apologize. Just say bye."

"Uh… bye?"

"See ya kid… and shut the door behind you."

"Oh… okay," said Shinji. As he got up and walked out he uttered a final quiet, "Thank you."

Although he couldn't quite remember the last time he'd been kicked out so rudely, he thought that his shack would look a lot nicer with this new coat of paint.

------------

Much love to Eric Blair for pre-reading this one. Gracias mi compadre.

------------

**OMAKE!:**

The halls of NERV are very wide and often empty. The chances of running into another human being at any given time are quite slim. On a good day you can even hear your footsteps echo. This is a fact that has been taken advantage of by many a NERV employee. At any given point in time (even during angel attacks) there is some lone person walking down the hall openly singing a catchy tune. Why even Rei Ayanami has been caught humming a segment of Dvorak's "New World Symphony" from time to time.

Shinji, after one particularly scaring incident, had learned to refrain from such activities.

He was walking through the hall on a day like any other, mindlessly humming some Bach to himself when he heard a loud voice coming from the direction in which he was heading. As he got closer the words became distinct and he realized the person was trying (but failing) to sing.

"_Where it began  
I cant begin to knowin  
But then I know its growin strong_"

_Wait a second…_ thought Shinji warily. _I think I know that voice…_

"_Was in the spring  
And spring became the summer  
Whod have believed youd come along_"

_I do know that voice… but it can't be!_

The voice began to slowly crescendo.

"_Hands, touchin hands  
Reachin out  
Touchin me_"

As Shinji aproached an intersection the singer in question popped out from around the corner.

Who would have guessed that it would be none other than Gendo Ikari singing "_TOUCHING YOU!_" at the top of his lungs? Shinji was flabergasped.

"Fa-fa-fa-father?" asked Shinji.

The comanders head snapped down with annoyance to address his inconsiderate son. Couldn't the boy tell that musical genius was in progress?

"Pilot." He responded back with some reluctance. Then without further words he continued to make his way down the hall.

"SWEET CAROLINE, WAH WAH WAAAAAHH! GOOD TIMES NEVER FELT SO GOOOD!"

Needless to say, Shinji never sung in the hallways of NERV again.

-----------

**AN: **Well that's it I guess. I was going to add more to the chapter, but I figured I'd waited long enough to update judging by a few reviews I've gotten. (I suppose I am somewhat of a quote unquote "lazy bastard"). In any case, this is what I've been working on all that time… okay not really. Most of the time I've been slacking off and doing nothing. But for a small percentage of "all of that time" I've been working on this. So I hope you liked it and I hope I didn't cut the chapter off at a bad place. May raptor jesus be pleased... (who knew that raptors had their own Jesus?)

Also, when I say bohemian rhapsody, I'm not talking about the queen version. I'm talking about the classical one. And the song that Gendo sings is "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond. And yes… I guess I do listen to Neil Diamond. And no… I'm not THAT old. I'm still a kid in college and whatnot. And no I'm not going to offer any proof of that.


	4. Separation

**AN:** As usual it took me quite some time to get this one out there. But as unusual (I know that's not a proper phrase) this chapter has a few odd quarks about it that should set it apart from all the others before it… and all the others after it (maybe). You could almost call it the black sheep of Whipped. The first of these quarks is that I'm keeping track of the date. Also, incase you haven't noticed by the large increase of the stories word count, this is a freaking long chapter. It seems I'm getting long winded. Well, anyways… I hope you enjoy it. And if you have to read it in two sittings, then do what you must.

**Whipped **

**Chapter 4: Separation**

Day 1 - Monday

"Hello?"

"My shack looks like crap, Mr. Kaji! It looks like complete and utter crap!"

"Whoa… calm down there kid."

"I threw on the paint… I threw it all on, every bit you told me and it still looks like crap!"

Kaji moved the phone a few inches away from his ear.

"I realize that you're stressed, but there's nothing I can do until you calm down."

Through the receiver he could hear ragged breathing slowly diminish to a rattling wheeze. In time the wheeze turned to something almost resembling the respiration of a normal human being.

"Now what happened?"

"I don't know… I think I… I don't know."

"That's real helpful," He said dryly. "Anymore useful info you've been hiding from me?"

"I just… I think I… God…I think I ruined everything."

"Uh-huh…"

"Well I was just sitting there on the couch watching TV. And then she walks in and she sits right next to me. Not on the other side of the couch, but _right next to me_. And I look over at her and she's staring at me. And she doesn't even look mad… she just has this horribly depressing look on her face. And I can't help but think that it's all my fault that she looks like that. So then I feel really _really_ bad, but I turn back to watch TV because you said I should ignore her. But then when I look back over to her she's still looking at me and she looks just as depressed as ever. And then I felt even worse, so I just turned back to the TV. But when I looked back she was still looking at me."

"Uh-huh…"

"So then I just felt… I don't know… I wanted her to stop feeling so bad and I wanted her to stop looking at me like that because it was making _me _miserable… so then I put my hand on her shoulder. But she pulled away and she got _really _angry and she yelled 'don't touch me' and I was sorry I even bothered."

"But then even as I was pulling my hand back, I was looking at her face and I saw her go from looking angry to looking really really sad again. And I felt ten times worse, because she was sad. And I just couldn't take it. So I started apologizing and I said I was sorry and-"

Kaji's free hand went straight to his forehead.

"Jesus kid, I told you not to apologize!"

"I know, I know! But that look she gave me… it looked like she was about to cry. And she was so close to me and her eyes were so… and-"

"And she played you like a French horn! We had a plan Shinji. What happened to the plan?" said Kaji as he pinched at the bridge of his nose. He was already anticipating the headache that was sure to follow Shinji's answer.

"Well when she started saying that she wouldn't forgive me in a million years, I remembered the plan. And I…. You're not going to like it… but I asked her to go out to get some Cajun food."

"You what!"

"I know! And then she said she wouldn't go out with me if the very existence of mankind depended upon it. So I did just as you said… I got down on my knees and I pleaded with her."

"Shinji that was a joke! Please tell me you're not serious."

"But she wouldn't listen anyways. And she said that she lost any shred of respect for me that she might have still had. And then she just left to her room. And she slammed the door behind her. And I felt bad…"

"You should feel bad! You blew everything!"

"You don't have to rub it in my face!" Kaji would have thought it impossible, but Shinji's voice actually went up an octave at this exclamation.

For quite some time silence reigned. If it hadn't been for the absence of a dial tone, Kaji would have thought the boy had hung up.

"So have you even thought about what you're going to do?" he asked as his frustration with the boy slowly began to diminish.

"I thought about it a little after the tears subsided…"

"…And?"

"I got nothing. That's why I called you."

Kaji sighed.

"I already told you what to do," he said. "All you had to do was stick with the plan."

"I know…"

And silence.

"Can you help me?"

"I don't think anyone can."

There was another stretch silence in which Kaji realized he might have just cut a little too deep. The older man sighed.

"Look kid… for now we'll just stick with the plan."

"But I ruined the plan…"

"We'll pretend like none of that ever happened."

"How can we just pretend?"

"Are you going to ask questions, or are you going to listen to my advice?"

Shinji shut up.

"You do what I said. You keep the tally of what she does in your head and you wait for her furry to settle down. When she stops treating you like the most disgusting human being on earth you ask her out again. And not a moment before that."

"But that didn't work the first time…"

"Trust me. It'll work. You just have to ask from a position of power. You need to wait until _she_ wants _you_ back and not the other way around. But now that you've done all this… who knows how long that'll be."

"I'm sorry…"

"Well sorry doesn't fix crap."

"Yeah…" Shinji sounded pathetically sad. "Thanks for helping me."

"You're welcome kid… it might still work out in the end."

"Yeah… I guess. I should probably get going."

"Go get some sleep. You sound tired."

"I am a little… I guess."

"Goodbye Shinji."

"I'm sorry I'm such a screw up," said Shinji. Then the line went dead.

Kaji couldn't think of a worse way to end a conversation.

----------

Day 4 - Thursday

The universe is contained within a single blade of grass.

Rei was almost positive that at some point in her life she had read this in a book. She believed that it was something that King wrote, but she could never be sure. Somewhere along the line this knowledge had ceased to be fiction and blurred into fact.

There were times when her heart stopped while looking out the classroom window overlooking the courtyard. The courtyard was surrounded by walls on all sides. The whole area was lined with grass and a sprinkler system had been installed to keep it all looking luscious and green. In the center stood a tall leaning tree that had recently begun to produce cherry blossoms. Currently they were only buds, but in time their pedals would unfurl to reveal themselves as the beautiful flowers they were destined to be. For a while these flowers would thrive with the spirit of life, granting the fruits of their beauty for all to behold. With time their petals would fall bringing light to the darkening paths that none dare tread upon. In due season these petals would disappear completely. Decaying into the ground and strewn about by westward winds. But the tree, now a gnarled web of barren twigs and branches, would still stand regardless of the season.

These were things Rei understood for they were predictable and boring beyond belief. Though disguised in a mask of eternal summer, the season's change could still be told without a calendar. For there are some things that man nor angel can change. And though they try to change the seasons, the seasons are internal. They exist within the heart of all living things and change with an authority that none can question. You did not need fall to turn leaves reddish brown, nor winter to make then fall, excessive exposure to the sun, and the life span of those lives were written in stone and blood, unmovable, unchanging…the earth could be thrown into a perpetual state of never ending summer nights, but the sun and the starts and the moon remain the same. And all plants, mammals and minerals are bound by the laws of life and death.

And as she gazed at the classroom through the reflection of the window, she observed that things were shifting.

A change had occurred in the seasons of man.

----------

Toji wasn't the smartest kid in class. He never claimed to be. In all honesty he never found intelligence to be all that important. He'd seen too many kids worrying so much about some project or test that they forgot how to relax for a little bit. They forgot how to smile.

Nah, eggheads came and eggheads went, and if you ask them where they've been even they can't tell you. So what was the point in being smart if you couldn't even kick back a bit and look around you. Take a little time to actually _see_ what's happening. And that's just what Toji did. He tried not to miss a thing. He observed every detail that passed in front of his eyes, even if some where beyond his comprehension. After all, one can never be sure if they'll ever see the same sights again. Not in this uncertainty. But detailed observation was sort of difficult to achieve while eating lunch.

He took another bite of a rice ball provided by the school's "free meal" system. It was times like these that he was glad he wasn't a picky eater. It wasn't that the cafeteria food was necessarily bad. He was sure that at one point or another it had probably been a decent meal. What concerned him, however, was how long ago it had been since the food could reasonably be considered edible. He didn't believe for a second that this was a "freshly cooked" meal. But at least the weather was nice today. And he had his friends to sit beside him. "Count your blessings," someone once said to him a long time ago. He thought it might have been his mother. Or maybe his little sister. Sometimes it was hard for him to see the differences between them.

"I don't know why you always eat so fast," said Kensuke. He himself had barely taken a bite out of some energy bar and was moving on to a sandwich. He was one of those weirdoes who have to slowly nibble a bit of everything, and it drove Toji crazy. "We've got a whole half an hour to finish and the food sure isn't going anywhere."

"It's not like I'm going to savor it," he retorted. "This stuff's probably a few weeks old or somethin'."

"Does that mean you have to woof it down like a canine?"

"Yes."

"Shinji, can you believe this guy?" said Kensuke poking his thumb at Toji. Shinji merely looked around as if he was confused. It looked to Toji as if he'd been staring off at that group of girls where the class rep and the devil usually ate their meals. Usually he was the first person to advocate the lunchtime sport of "girl gazing" but as he stole a discrete glance at his friend he couldn't help but be a little embarrassed for the guy. The way Shinji stared openly at them made him want to grab him by the shoulders and yell _have your look but be a little discrete about it would ya?_

"Ah, you're no fun," said Kensuke with a wave of his hand. He then said to Toji "The kid's zoning out on us again."

Shinji shrugged. "I was just… thinking."

"Riiiggghht…" said Kensuke. "_Thinking_… is that what they're calling it now adays."

"It's not like _that_!"

"Yeah, give him a break, Ken," said Toji. "It's not his fault that he can't keep his eyes in his sockets. Some of those girls are pretty hot."

"Yeah… wait, no! I wasn't-"

"Toji, you're only saying that because he's your boyfriend. I'm surprised you're not jealous. I guess you've got one of those 'look but don't touch' deals going on or-"

But he never got to finish, as he was much too busy dodging the wild swing that Toji threw his way. He easily avoided it. It was more or less expected.

"Hey, don't get mad at me. I'm not the one your boyfriend is staring at."

"Shut up Kensuke!" said Toji, but anyone could tell he wasn't really all that mad.

The three of them returned to eating their meals. Meaning, Toji continued to devour his mercilessly, Kensuke nibbled like a rabbit, and Shinji pushed his around while staring off at the girls in the distance.

But Toji had never seen a guy look so depressed while checking out chicks.

----------

Day 6 – Saturday

Upon entering the Katsuragi household, both Asuka and Shinji visibly paled. There was a strange, yet not entirely unpleasant aroma wafting through the air that neither of them could quite recognize. It was something akin to ramen, garlic, hot sauce, and nearly curdled milk. Add in the sight of Misato holding tongs and a stirring spoon and there was only one logical conclusion. The woman had made another painful attempt at cooking.

Aside from NERV itself (and by extension Ritsuko Akagi), there was really no one to blame. There seemed to be a mutual consensus among the higher ups that with the absence of school, the weekends were the perfect time to schedule sync tests. The longer and more experimental, the better. It didn't matter that the children were beginning to forget what free time looked like, so long as they had their precious data.

Misato, taking pity on the overworked and tired youths, had taken the liberty to greet the pair with the edible equivalent of food poisoning.

After the two of them finished their desperate search for the nearest exit, a sense of inevitability washed over them. She had already seen them. There would be no escape. Resistance was futile.

"You cooked…" said Asuka with a forced smile firmly in place. "You never cook."

The woman in question frowned slightly. "Well I know I haven't been doing much around the house. So I thought I'd make you dinner tonight. They've been working both of you pretty hard and I had off of work, so I said to myself, 'What the heck. Why not whip up some ramen for the kids.' And here we are."

She smiled brightly and pointed at the strange concoction placed at the center of the table.

"Uuhhhhhh…" said Shinji. "You shouldn't have."

"Nonsense. It wasn't much trouble at all. I just whipped up a batch of my famous _Katsuragi Ramen Surprise!_" She lowered her voice to a whisper and added, "Patent pending."

"Uuhhhhhh..."

"Sit down, sit down!" said the woman with an excited wave of her hands. To the two teenagers, however it seemed more like she was ushering them to the firing squad, but they reluctantly complied. After they were seated a tense silence settled among the three of them. During this brief period of time, Misato stared at her two charges with the utmost of anticipation as the two teenagers stared at the meal with the utmost anxiety. Finally Misato grew tired of waiting.

"Well are you going to eat it or what?"

"… Right," said Shinji as if finally remembering where he was. He then bravely dipped his chopsticks into the serving pot and lowered a small portion of Ramen into his bowl. Asuka reluctantly followed suit. Shinji shakily raised some noodles to his mouth, but stopped before allowing the biohazardous material to enter. He threw a questioning glance at Misato, but quickly looked away when he met her intense gaze. He then took a similar glance at Asuka, but she turned her eyes away with a scowl.

_That's right… she hates me. _It surprised him how easy it was to forget this simple fact. Finding no comfort in his roommates Shinji took the only actions available to him. No, he did not run to his room citing symptoms of an upset stomach. He said a silent prayer, forked his chopsticks into his mouth, and swallowed a load of the ramen surprise in one gulp.

_Fight through the pain! _He thought desperately. _Fight it!_

But as he began to chew on the slightly overcooked ramen, he realized that these noodles actually did hold a surprise within.

"So how is it?" asked Misato, no longer able to contain herself.

Shinji swallowed the last of his mouthful and said with the utmost honesty, "It's not that bad."

Misato beamed. "Of course it's not bad. I made it didn't I?"

No one had the heart to comment on this.

"Admittedly I was a little worried that I'd mess it up," the woman continued, shoving her own part of noodles and slurping loudly. Some of the weird sauce trailed down her chin, which she picked up on her finger and sucked in. "I haven't had the opportunity to cook in quite some time. It seems like every time I plan on cooking, one of you has already taken care of it or we end up ordering take out. Kind of funny, isn't it?"

Asuka let out a nervous laugh, while Shinji stared at a point slightly above Misato's head and smiled awkwardly.

"Not that I'm complaining. I know I hide it very well, but I've never liked doing chores." At this Asuka openly snorted. "Still, I'm glad I could cook for you guys tonight. It feels like forever since we've last eaten together."

The smile Misato displayed was almost sad. It reminded Shinji just how little he'd seen of her recently. With the excess work that came along with her promotion to major, and the mountain of paperwork caused by the last angle attack, it had become a bit of a rarity to see her around the house. It wasn't that she was always away from home. It just seemed that three of them had run on different schedules. And in the past weeks, he had spent much more time thinking about Asuka and their new relationship, than wondering about Misato. He felt a little bit ashamed of himself. As a result he tried to make the most out of her generosity.

"This really is very decent, Misato." Complements obviously weren't his strong suit. "What did you put in this to make it taste so… unique?"

The roguish smile that crossed Misato's face reminded Shinji vaguely of Kaji. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

"Ah, wouldn't you like to know, Shinji boy!" She was clearly enjoying the attention. "But they don't call it _Katsuragi Ramen Surprise! (patent pending) _for nothing."

Shinji doubted that anyone aside from Misato referred to the dish as such.

_I doubt there's enough brave people in the world to sit at the table long enough to learn the name of the dish. Not when they found out Misato had cooked it. Besides, that's a pretty lame name to begin with. She just smashed the word ramen between her surname and surprise. A kid could have thought of that. I doubt even more that she has actually applied for a patent. Honestly, it's not that good. It's just the only thing she's cooked that wasn't completely "instant" and didn't make my stomach weep. But she seems happy now and that's more than I can say for Asuka and myself. Well that's not completely true. I'm at least a little happy that she's happy. It's good to see her so openly cheerful. It feels like it's been a long time since I've made a woman smile. And speaking of smiling women…_

Though the expression didn't look particularly healthy, Asuka too had a light smile on her face. This was a smile that Shinji was growing to know quite well. It was the only smile he received from the girl since the two of them had had their little fight. A part of him longed for this smile. Even though it was bound to bring nothing but emotional pain and humiliation, at least it was better than the scornful looks the redhead normally shot his way.

"You were wise not to tell the Third your recipe, Misato. Especially not before the patent comes though." She said this with an air of carelessness that was clearly fabricated to fit the situation.

"And why is that?" said a voice that sounded far too familiar to Shinji than it should have. It took him a second to realize he had spoken. He wasn't sure why he answered her. Maybe it was the patronizing tone she used.

Or the fact that she was looking directly at Shinji and not Misato, who was now scrapping the bottom of the pan trying to get as much of the left over patented pending Katsuragi Ramen Surprise.

In any case, it hadn't been a conscious decision.

"It would seem like a good idea to confide in him at first. You'd have your own little secret that no one else would know about. I'm sure that you'd be happy knowing that you're the only two people on the planet who knew about the recipe. But then one day you'd go to work and catch a whiff of a familiar smell coming from the cafeteria. And sure enough, your dish is on the lunch trays of everybody in NERV. Right in plain sight for the whole world to see!"

Shinji felt his jaw tighten as he dropped his chopsticks into his bowl. It was one thing to take shots at him while the two of them were alone. But it was a completely different story when the girl took to embarrassing him in front of Misato. That just wasn't cool…

"Well maybe," Shinji quietly hissed, "I thought the recipe was very good and I was thinking about it all day. And when somebody questioned me about it, maybe I accidentally told them the recipe because I wanted them to know how good the food was. That was a mistake. I know. But it's not like I went handing out the recipe like candy!"

"Honestly, it was just a joke," said Misato. "I got the recipe from the side of the ramen box. You both can have it if you want."

"You see that," said Asuka still staring at Shinji. "Misato was willing to share the recipe after a while. You didn't have to go blabbing the ingredients to the world."

"If she was going to tell the world anyways, what difference does it make when they find out about it? Besides, she told me the recipe so I can do whatever I want with that knowledge. Misato has no reason to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at anyone," said Misato, but no one paid attention.

"It's Misato's decision when to tell everyone about it because she made the recipe. You were too wimpy and uncreative to even think about making a recipe. So you had no right to go telling everybody about it. Especially since she specifically told you not to!"

"Actually I didn't tell him not to do anything…"

"Well if you didn't want anybody to know about our recipe then maybe you shouldn't have grabbed my hand in the first place!"

"Huh?"

"I'm starting to think that you're right about that one Third!" yelled Asuka, much to Misato's confusion. She then pushed herself away from the table and rose to her feet.

"Where are you going?" asked Misato. "You barely touched your food."

"I'm not hungry anymore," said Asuka. She then glared at Shinji and added, "I've lost my appetite."

"I went though all this work," said Misato with a sigh. Nobody bothered to question whether making instant ramen could be considered "all this work".

"I'm sorry Misato," said Asuka, still not looking at the person she had addressed. "I'm sure that Shinji will be able to provide you with plenty of conversation seeing as he can't seem to keep his fat mouth shut."

With no farther words, the girl left the out of the kitchen and headed straight for her bedroom. She then slammed the door shut, causing a bellow of sound that seemed to fill the entire house. When the life of the noise came to an end, only extreme awkwardness was left in its wake.

"So," said Misato scratching at the back of her head. "You kids sure are passionate about your ramen."

------------

Day 8 – Monday

Shinji stuck his hands in his pockets and let out a sigh. It seemed as if he'd suffered a lot of punishments from his falling out with Asuka, and walking back from school by himself was not the least of them. It served to remind him how alone he was. Truly and utterly alone.

He spent the time examining the scenery around him with little concern. After all, there wasn't much to look at. With a parked car here and an apartment building there. Here a firehydrent. There a streetlight. Everywhere a tree or bush. Old Shinji's farm was not remarkable in any way. But when he turned his head to the right something very interesting caught his eyes. He was very surprised to be staring straight at the side of Rei Ayanami's head. He let out a small exclamation of surprise, drawing the girl's attention.

_How long has she been there? She couldn't have been walking beside me the whole time!_

He waited several long agonizing moments for Rei to explain herself. But with each passing moment it became clear that she had no intentions to speak. She merely turned her head forward and continued to walk. How strange…

"Er… hello Ayanami."

"Good afternoon, Ikari," said Rei. Once again Shinji waited for her to speak farther, only to be met with disappointment.

"It's very… uh… nice weather we're having today."

Shinji felt like kicking himself, but Rei merely nodded. The two of them walked in silence for a moment afterwards.

"Do you normally walk this way?" asked Shinji.

"Yes," was Rei's curt reply. Shinji was slightly surprised to hear it.

"Now that I think of it, I've never seen you walking home from school."

"I am typically in no hurry to leave the classroom."

"I see…" but he didn't see at all.

_If she's usually not in a hurry, does that mean she's in a hurry today? Maybe I should ask her… nah. Too personal. I don't want to seem nosey or something. I'll just stick to trivial topics._

"You have not walked home with the second child for over a week," stated Rei. It was clear that she was merely mentioning a fact.

_So much for trivial topics…_

"Uh… she doesn't… we don't… I mean… she likes to walk by herself sometimes."

"I see," said Rei with slight a nod. "It is beneficial for people to be alone, at times."

"Right…" said Shinji with an air of reluctance. He couldn't help but feel like he was lying to the girl. He also couldn't shake the fear that she could see right through him. But if Rei planned to expose his deceitfulness it seemed like now was not the time. Neither of them uttered another word for several blocks. But even though Rei seemed to have no further questions for the boy, Shinji was beginning to feel curious himself.

_Why now? Out of all the time I've known Rei she chooses now to want to be around me. God knows I tried to befriend her before, but she wouldn't bite. Not after I became a pilot or even after Operation Yashima. So why is she suddenly interested in company?_

But as the minutes of silence drug on, Shinji realized that the only way to receive answers was to ask questions. While he didn't want to get in the habit of asking unnecessary questions, he figured one couldn't hurt.

_Right?_

"So why are you walking with me?"

Rei stopped walking.

_Too direct maybe?_

With an unreadable expression Rei turned her head his way. Shinji became infinitely more nervous and began to drum his fingers against the interior lining of his pockets.

"Prior to the past week, you and pilot Soryu have walked home from school together."

Then there was silence. Shinji heard the cicadas chirping. Though he had never actually seen tumbleweed before, it would not have surprised him to see one roll by in that moment. Sensing his confusion, Rei spoke again.

"Recently I have noticed Soryu leaving early, and you walking alone."

"Oh," said Shinji. However, he continued to stare at Rei as if to say "so what?" But he was disappointed once more as Rei continued walking again.

The rest of the walk was filled largely with silence. Shinji went back to observing his surroundings. Every now and then he would throw sideways glances at the girl walking beside him. It seemed as if she too was content with the silence. After a while it even ceased to be awkward. The lack of conversation was just something he had come to accept.

At one point, Shinji heard a bird chirping in the distance.

"Blue Jay?" asked Shinji.

"No," responded Rei, "definitely a sparrow."

"I see," said Shinji.

Silence was restored.

_If only she'd grab my hand_, thought Shinji. _It'd be exactly like that first time with Asuka._

He couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of this observation. He stopped laughing, however, when his eyes met Rei's intense, sanity questioning gaze. But instead of suggestion that he visit a mental institution, Rei decided to resume their previous conversation.

"It is beneficial for some people to be alone," she repeated. "For some it is even necessary."

Shinji, caught slightly off guard, could only nod.

"You, however, are not one of these people."

With no further words, Rei turned left at the next street. It was only then, as he stared after her, that he remembered that the two of them did not live in the same place. As he watched her back travel farther down the ally he couldn't help but grimace.

He thought he'd never felt more alone in his entire life.

---------------

Day 10 – Wednesday

"You are dismissed," said Hikari as she stood in front of the class.

Toji couldn't have been happier to see the day end. The test that they had taken was grueling. If making history exams was a sport, he was sure that Mr. Karousaga would be kicked out of the game for cheating. It just wasn't fair. How did the man expect him to remember when an event happened if he didn't even care about the event itself? He was convinced that there should be a rule against this sort of thing.

But he put all that out of his mind. He had more pressing issues to worry about. Like how to get out of this classroom as soon as possible, before any more knowledge could creep up on him and attempt to lodge itself within his brain. He began dumping his books and supplies into his backpack. He moved even more swiftly after he saw an encyclopedia on the other side of the room lunge at a student.

_Faster Toji faster! What doesn't teach you makes you stronger!_

"Hey Toji," said Shinji who was sitting nearby, casually gathering up his supplies. "You know school is out and… I'm sorta bored so…"

"Spit it out already," said Toji impatiently. He had finished packing up. The only thing standing between him and freedom was his friend.

"I don't know if you'd want to… but I was thinking maybe we could hang out or something… you know… go somewhere… or do something… or you could come over and…"

Thankfully he trailed off. Toji thought he was going to go on like that forever.

"I'd like to, but you know I can't today. It's Wednesday."

"Wednesday?" asked Shinji.

Toji sighed. He didn't like to bring this subject up often. It always seemed to make things awkward between the two of them.

"Remember? I always visit my sister on Wednesday."

Shinji's eyes widened perceptively.

"Oh… right. Sorry I asked."

When Toji saw the look Shinji gave him, _he_ felt guilty.

"Hey, it's no problem man. I just wish she wasn't the only chick trying to get my attention. If you know what I mean."

Shinji laughed a little and bid Toji goodbye. Toji happily made his way out of the classroom before the encyclopedias could regroup. However, the sadness in his friend's voice and posture were not lost on the jock.

_Does that guy always have to look so depressed?_

-----------

Day 14 - Sunday

It was dark when Shinji walked into his bedroom that night. He slowly made his way over to his nightstand to turn on the light. He could have found his way around just fine without it, but it always comforted him to have the light on as he dressed for bed. As he absentmindedly pulled a t-shirt and some shorts out to sleep in he glanced carefully around the room. He wasn't afraid of monsters or burglars or anything, but why take the risk?

After donning his nightwear, he slid himself into bed in a slow deliberate manner. While taking a deep breath, he simultaneously pulled the covers up to his armpits. He then reached toward his nightstand to grab his SDAT player. He inserted the headphones into his ear and turned off the light. It was a music night.

The sounds of quiet classical music filled his ears. For a while he sat up listening intently to the melody. He couldn't remember when or how he'd come across this particular tape and all the songs it possessed. All he knew was that he loved it.

Soon his mind started to wander. He'd heard this song and all the others countless times before. And though music was often a distraction for the boy, it also served as a clarifier of sorts. Since the music disturbed his normal process of cognition, it allowed him to focus upon one topic of contemplation.

_Asuka._

He blew it. It was as simple as that. She wanted him to keep it secret. He ran his mouth. And now she was done with him. Kaji had been right though. She didn't hate him, she just didn't care anymore. Shinji could clearly see the signs of this. She didn't yell at him anymore. She didn't throw angry looks at him anymore. She didn't try to make him feel bad anymore. She just looked at him blankly. As if to say, "we have nothing".

It hurt a lot to think on this because he knew for certain that it had all been his fault. But the funny thing was that even though it hurt, even though he would probably always feel regret about this, he knew he could live with it. He loved her and she didn't care… but he could live with it.

Yeah… it hurt to see her. It even hurt to think about her. Heck, it hurt even when he _wasn't_ thinking about her. Because he knew something was missing.

_But do I really need to be whole?_

The answer was no. He could exist unhappily this way for the rest of his life. He could smile shyly at the world and pretend he was alright because even though he blew it at least he tried.

And he thought, _what did that one poet say? Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Or something like that. _And when he said these things to himself, he felt a tad bit better.

But somewhere in the back of his mind he always thought that it would have been much better if he had won.

---------

Day 16 – Tuesday

Shinji threw another sidelong glance at the girl walking silently beside him. It amazed him how truly unsociable the girl could be. He had never gotten the sense that Rei disliked conversation, or even that she was uncomfortable with it. It felt to him as if she had no real concept of small-talk at all. But that didn't stop the silence from becoming a bit uncomfortable.

He sneezed.

"Do you require a tissue?" asked Rei.

"No thank you."

He wasn't sure if it was just his imagination, but it seemed as if the blue haired girl was being nicer to him than usual. No… nicer wasn't the right word. Maybe, considerate or accommodating. The thought somewhat discomforted him. _Am I so pathetic that she thinks I need her to wipe my nose for me?_

However, he kept such thoughts to himself. He was probably just over thinking the situation. She was only acting in such a way because she knew that he was going through a tough time… or at least he thought she knew what was going on. He never did get around to accurately explaining it. Then again, it didn't take a genius to figure out that he and Asuka hadn't been on the best of terms the last two weeks. But given the fact that Asuka and he had achieved some sense of closure, he felt a little guilty taking advantage of Rei's sympathy. He hadn't asked her to be so kind, but then again he hadn't told her that it wasn't necessary. In truth, he just liked the attention.

_Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she wiped my nose._

As the two of them reached the spot where they parted ways he noticed something peculiar. Unlike all the other times when Rei had walked with him after school, the girl stopped at the corner of the street down which she usually turned.

"Good evening, Ikari," she said with the strangest look on her face. It was an expression that Shinji was sure he'd seen before, but couldn't quite peg. But when he saw the almost hesitant way that Rei turned to leave, he recognized the look in an instance. It was pity.

"Wait!" said Shinji. The word spewed from his mouth as if he were on autopilot. He honestly had nothing to follow it up with.

"Yes?"

Did she have to look so critical?

"I'm not broken," he said and immediately regretted the words. "Uh… what I mean to say is, you don't have to walk with me everyday… I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me."

"I see," said Rei carefully examining his face. It made Shinji even more flustered. As a result more words spewed out of him.

"I think that maybe, I don't look so bad when I'm alone anymore…" after a lack of response from the girl he added, "maybe?"

"That is not the case."

_Oh, ouch…way to let me down gently Ayanami._

"I will see you tomorrow Ikari," said Rei. With an odd air of formality she added, "It is no trouble for me to walk with you again."

With those words she was gone. Apparently his opinion in this matter didn't amount to very much in her eyes. Somehow Rei's misguided attempt at comforting him only served to make him feel more pathetic. For a while he kept his head lowered and his eyes on the ground.

But then he came to a busy street and raised his head. It wasn't wise to cross into traffic without looking. And maybe it wasn't so bad to loose this particular battle for self-esteem against Rei. At least if he sneezed, he'd know where to find a tissue.

----------

Day 19 - Friday

"No, Shinji. Keep it, I insist."

Kaji wasn't making this easy.

"I can't it wouldn't be fair."

The older man smiled almost sadly and said, "I want you to have it."

Shinji shook his head. "I've caused you enough trouble as it is."

Kaji laughed. "I'm the one that got you into this mess. It's the least I could do."

"No it's my fault," said Shinji. "I should have followed the plan."

Shinji assumed that the look he was receiving said something along the lines of, "yeah it is your fault, but I still feel bad about it." Or maybe the man just had a piece of food caught in his cheek or something. It was hard to tell. But when Kaji spoke again, it was clear that he was being serious.

"Keep the money," he said and held up his hands as if to physically block Shinji's protest. "No, I won't take it back. I'm the one who pushed you into this situation. So as long as you've tried your hardest to get her back, I think you deserve something for the effort. This is my compensation. It's the least I can do."

Shinji frowned.

"But I don't even know what I'd do with it…"

The laughter that issued from the scruffy bearded man, sounded nothing short of genuine.

"What does any kid do with money these days?" he asked. Luckily he continued on without giving Shinji a chance to answer. "Go waste it on junk food or some video game. Or go buy a bike. You can do whatever you want, with it really."

There was silence in the office for a little while as Shinji thought it over. Before long he placed the wad of cash back into his wallet and sighed.

"Thanks Mr. Kaji."

The older man smiled.

"No problem kid. Now get outta here. Ya bother me."

Shinji couldn't help but laugh a little at the other man's antics. Still, he couldn't help but wish that someone would let him reject their acts of kindness. It was getting kind of old.

------------

Day 20 - Saturday

"I can't believe you blew all your money on a bicycle," said Asuka as she sat down on the other end of the couch. The response might have been predictable, if he had known that the two of them were on proper speaking terms. "Where did you get a dumb idea like that?"

Shinji might not have been the brightest crayon in the box, but he wasn't about to let it slip that he'd been talking to Kaji again. Even though he hadn't been leaking any information about their now nearly non-existent relationship, it wouldn't have boded so well with the redhead. She had finally begun to act normally when he was in the same room as her. He wasn't going to blow it by bringing up something that would remind her of the past. No it was best to leave such unpleasantness behind.

Instead he said something along the lines of, "I had some extra money, so I thought I'd buy something nice."

"But a bicycle? What good is that?"

Shinji shrugged.

"I can get around faster… I guess."

"That might make sense for someone who's not a dork, but for you, what's the point? You only go four places." She ticked them off on her fingers. "Here, school, NERV, and your geeky friend's house. And all of those places are in walking distance."

"Maybe he just wanted some new wheels," said a voice from the kitchen. "How else is he going to impress the ladies?"

_Et tu Misato?_

Asuka snorted. "He won't be impressing anybody with that childish thing."

But Misato only shook her head.

"I think it was a good buy," she said reasonably. "He picked a pretty nice model. It's not often you come across a dark blue ten-speed with a self powered headlight, and even a radio. Not to mention the flame details on the sides. Makes you go _real fast! Vroom Vroom!_"

From the sound of laughter that followed, Shinji got the impression that Misato wasn't taking his new purchase very seriously. He almost thought that she might very well have been mocking him. Maybe he did get a little carried away with the bike's "special features" but it wasn't really his fault. He had originally intended to get a plain bicycle but the salesman talked him into the light and the radio. The man made it seem like a good idea at the time, but now he was beginning to feel a bit foolish.

"I thought the flames were cool…" he said almost mournfully. At this Misato laughed harder. Asuka merely sighed. She seemed to be embarrassed for him.

Having exhausted every ounce of embarrassment from the current conversation, Misato came from the kitchen with a sandwich and a beer, and the three of them began to watch some TV. Nothing too interesting was on. Asuka (who had the remote control) flipped through a couple of sitcoms and dramas with little interest. Finally she came to rest on a game show station.

"Do you guys want to watch this," she asked.

"I don't care," said Misato. Shinji merely shrugged.

"Here, you take this," said Asuka handing him the remote control. "Find something good to watch." But Shinji made no move to grab it.

"I wouldn't know what to choose."

Asuka clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

"Typical," she said. "You never want to take the wheel." By the tone of her voice, Shinji thought that she was attempting to start an argument with him. But when he looked over at her face she looked almost passive.

That's when it struck him. He realized that things were finally back to normal. Asuka was insulting him, without malicious intent. Misato was at home on a regular basis. They were all getting along and sitting in the same room without confrontation. It was just as things had been before the break up. Almost like someone had hit the reset button on their lives. It felt somewhat strange knowing that after all this time they'd only gotten as far as the starting point.

_But at least we don't hate each other. And at least we're not mad. Maybe if I'm casual about it, Asuka will even let me walk to school with her again. Of course there'd be no handholding or anything. But it'd be nice not to have to go alone since Rei seems to think I'll die if I'm alone. Sure it might be kind of awkward, seeing as we used to go out and such. But I figure if we're managing to live together without feeling too awkward, then walking to school shouldn't be all that bad. And you know what? I think I can actually live with this._

Suddenly Shinji felt… better. Up until this point he hadn't even realized how bad he had still been feeling. It was the difference between night and day. Cold and hot. Warm milk and ice cream… wait ice cream?

"Huh?" asked Shinji in confusion.

"Pay attention Third," said Asuka. "I just asked if either of you wanted to go out and get some ice cream."

"But it's not even hot outside," said Shinji still feeling as if he were missing some vital information.

"What is Sudoku!" yelled Misato at the game show host. She then turned to Shinji and said, "That's what I told her. It's too cold for ice cream."

Asuka stuck her tongue out at Misato. "It's never too cold for ice cream," she said. She then turned to her attention toward Shinji. "Well are you coming or not?"

Shinji looked into Asuka's impatient face and failed to find any answers there. He then looked over to Misato who shrugged.

"I… uh… I don't really feel like getting ice cream," he said rather reluctantly. It was the truth after all. He just didn't like eating cold stuff unless it was hot.

"Fine," said Asuka with a noncommittal shrug. "I'll just go by myself then." She got up from her potion on the couch, put on her shoes, and walked out the door. As soon as she was gone, Misato unleashed a look of incredulity upon Shinji.

"Are you really that stupid?" she asked.

"Wha?"

"Couldn't you tell that she didn't want to go alone?"

Shinji shook his head.

"Well now I'm telling you. She didn't want to go alone."

"Okaaaay…"

"And she also didn't care if I went or not."

"Right…"

"And if she didn't want to go alone and she didn't care if I went, what do you think that means?"

"That she's going to meet up with Hikari?" asked Shinji.

"I don't know why I try," said Misato with a sigh. "She is definitely right about you. She sure is."

"What did she say about-" began Shinji, but he cut himself off. "Oh, never mind. You probably won't tell me anyways."

"You got that right!" said Misato with a sudden well of enthusiasm that seemed to appear from nowhere. "Some things you've got to figure out for yourself. Don't look at me like that. I know you'll get it eventually. No mater what any skeptical blond haired doctor says."

"Huh?" asked Shinji, but Misato waved him off.

"Quiet Shinji, I'm trying to watch the show."

Some cheesy music plays on the TV

_Wait…_

"Tell him what he's won, Chuck!"

_oh..._

"A trip for two to the sunny Continental Island of Australia!"

His eyes suddenly widened.

"A trip…" muttered Shinji quietly. "For two?"

_Oh Crap!_

He looked over at Misato. She smiled lightly and nodded.

"We'll be right back, after these messages," said the host.

By the time the first commercial aired, Shinji was already out the door.

----------

_I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot_

Shinji switched the gears on his bike and attempted to peddle faster. He nearly lost his balance as the chains clicked into place.

_I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot_

He wondered which ice cream stand Asuka had gone to. She was very picky about her ice cream and only the sweetest tasting cones would do. Sanji's Cream Shack was the closest, but the girl had always complained about their chocolate flavor not being sweet enough. Sure enough, when he passed by the shop, there were no redheaded German girls in sight. He'd have to try the other shop that was quite a few blocks down.

_If I had just gone with her, I wouldn't have to be riding around the city like a maniac._

But on the way to the next shop he spotted Asuka sitting on a bench. He stopped in front of her and dismounted from the bike. It instantly fell over. Apparently he had forgotten to put up the kickstand.

_I just got the thing and I'm already breaking it…_

"What're you doing here?"

"I well… I… wanted to try out my bicycle?"

"Try again."

"I… well… this isn't easy Asuka."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Well… I know why you wanted me to come with you."

"Oh," said Asuka with a hint of a frown.

"Look. I know this is… well it's awkward."

"I'll say."

"But I think we should do it anyways."

Asuka was silent.

"We've had our problems in the past, but when it comes to this," he looked her straight in the eyes. "I think we both want the same thing."

Asuka stared at him with a questioning expression. She opened her mouth to speak and Shinji held his breath. This was it. This is the moment that it all came down to. She could accept him back and take him to the heights of jubilation, or reject him again and throw him into the deepest pits of despair. It all came down to this one critical moment in time.

"So what you're saying," said Asuka skeptically, "Is that you _want_ to pay for my ice cream?"

Shinji couldn't be more thrilled.

"Yes that's exactly- wait… come again?"

"Well that's why I wanted you to come with me. I knew you must have some extra money lying around, since you obviously had enough to buy that bicycle. Since I spent most of my cash shopping with Hikari, I thought I'd get you or Misato to flip the bill for me. Since I didn't have any money, I thought I'd just sit on this bench to kill some time."

"Oh," said Shinji. There was a moment of tense silence.

_I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot_

"Well, are you going to buy me a cone or what?"

Shinji ceased his mental belittlement long enough to say, "Yeah, I guess so."

They went up to the stand and Asuka purchased a chocolate cone via the contents of Shinji's wallet. Shinji, however, opted not to eat anything. Asuka made her way back to the bench where ha had originally found her.

"Hey, let's sit over here while we eat, Third."

Shinji shrugged and took a seat next to her. Sure things hadn't gone as planned, but he honestly had nothing better to do. Even if he couldn't miraculously win Asuka back, at least he could sit close to her and pretend not to watch her lick at her cone. For several minutes he did just that. But after a while Asuka grew tired of the silence.

"Hey Shinji."

"Yeah?"

"If you weren't trying to pay for my ice cream, why did you come up here?"

Shinji felt his cheeks color. He shrugged, hoping that she would drop it. But Asuka wasn't having any of that.

"Bull crap. You had to have come up here for some reason."

His eyes met the sidewalk. "I really don't want to say."

"Oh come on!" said Asuka petulantly. "I told you that I didn't have any money. That's got to be more embarrassing than whatever you've got to say." But Shinji merely shook his head. Asuka let out a sound of indignation and went back to eating her ice cream.

It could have easily ended like that. The two of them sitting in silence, Asuka slowly finishing her ice cream and then both of them heading back to the apartment. But then Shinji remembered something that Kaji had said to him a day ago.

_As long as you've tried your hardest to get her back, I think you deserve something for the effort_

"I'm going to start walking back Shinji," said Asuka as she stood up from the bench. He noticed she hadn't finished her cone, but he supposed that walking and eating was not unheard of. When he didn't answer her she said, "Are you coming?"

"I can't go back yet," said Shinji. "I don't deserve this bike."

"Huh?"

He forced himself to meet her oddly confused gaze.

_She looks cute like that… never mind. Focus._

"I'm sorry if what I said/did hurt you. Do you want to try again?"

"What?"

"What I'm saying is, I want to go out with you again."

Asuka's confusion quickly turned to annoyance.

"I thought we… settled all that."

"I want to try again." Shinji repeated.

"Why should I let you?"

_Crap! I didn't think this far though._

"Uh… well… being with you these last few weeks… was uh… great or something." He frowned at that, noticing it hadn't come out as suave or right as it had sounded in his mind.

"A-and your eyes remind me of Heaven." He turned to her and saw the same frown, topped with a look of disbelief on her face.

"Uh… yeah. And… um… I'm sorry I couldn't keep you a secret because… why was I sorry about that…?" He felt like this was a last pitch, something a salary man or a sales man would do when the customer is on the verge of walking away; like a Hail Mary thrown by the quarterback on the last yard, on the over clock and…

He really was lost with all the analogies but still pressed his luck. "Right! Because I can't believe you're beautiful!… no that's not good…"

"What?"

"What I meant to say is… I'm sorry for hurting you."

"You already said that."

Shinji suddenly found the menu on the side of the ice cream shop to be very interesting.

"Right… well it's true."

"I see." He kept looking at all the flavors, some of them the usual staple like "vanilla" and "chocolate" and "strawberry" while others seemed to scream try me like "coffee and toffee" and "yellow brick road", and still others that seemed a bit of a splurge.

"So how do I know you won't mess up again?" asked Asuka skeptically after he had looked at the menu for what felt like the 100th time.

"I won't?" asked Shinji. It was far from convincing.

"I see," said Asuka sounding even more skeptical than before.

The two of them stood in awkward silence for a while.

"Lets go home Shinji."

"Okay," said Shinji sadly. He slowly mounted his bicycle. However, his head quickly whipped around when he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders.

"You do know how to ride with someone on the pegs right?" asked Asuka as she stood on the pegs… duh. She then smiled mischievously. "I want to see just how fast this speed machine can go."

"I've never ridden with anyone else," said Shinji. But despite his words he couldn't help but feel a surge of confidence.

"There's a first time for everything."

And then they began to ride. It was wobbly and slow going at first. But eventually Shinji began to get the hang of it. After a while, he didn't even have to think about it. Aside from the warm presence of Asuka's hands on his shoulders, it felt exactly like riding by himself. He used this time to think.

_As hard as all that was…it sure was easy. I mean, all I really did was just ask her to take me back and she basically said "ok". But then again she never did really say that we were going back together. But then again again… wait. Can I say that? Is it proper English? Who cares? It's only in my head anyways. Then again again, She never did say we were actually going out in the first place. She just sort of implied it. Like she's doing now._

The bike rolled over an unseen bump causing Asuka to let out a small "eek!" As a result she attempted to get a better hold of him by encircling one arm around his chest and using the other (which held the ice cream cone) to grab at his shirt by the shoulder blade, an action which caused her chest to press firmly into his back. A faint giggle of exhilaration escaped form her as the trees and the road seemed to zip by. The orange light of sundown, the long shadows of the farm, and the soothing warmth of dusk made him want to simultaneously pedal faster to enjoy the thrill and slow down to savor this moment.

_You know the funny thing about all this though. In a way, it happened just like Kaji said it would. She stopped being mad at me, then I offered to buy her some food. I ask her to take me back, and she reluctantly accepts. The only difference between this and the original plan (besides the 20 day waiting period) is that this plan cost a heck of a lot less money, seeing as I only had to buy her ice cream. I bet Kaji tries very hard to stay on his woman's good side. If not, it's amazing that the man can pay his rent. And speaking of women that hate Kaji… Misato sure does give bad advice. She had me rush out here to make up with Asuka when all the girl wanted was a free cone. And man is Asuka a cheap skate. She's willing to come out here with someone she's barely forgiven, just so I can be her human wallet. What the heck is up with that? And another thing - ah God that's cold!_

Shinji was surprised out of his contemplation when a drop of melted ice cream fell onto his neck. But he nearly crashed the bike when he felt the warm wetness of Asuka's tongue licking it off.

She continued to laugh at him the rest of the way home.

--------------

Thanks again to Eric Blair for pre-reading. May his days be long upon the Earth and may all his children be born naked.

---------------

**AN:** There she blows. It's pretty darn long, as I've already said. I'm not really sure, but I feel as if this is the weakest chapter I've put up yet. Not bad… just not the best of the lot. I tried to show the sadness and whatnot that goes along with a break-up through several different pairs of eyes, and to give a series of snapshots as to how Shinji's feeling. I'm still not sure about the overall results of this, but I hope you liked it. And before I forget, Rei's line about the universe and a blade of grass is ripped off from The Gunslinger by Stephen King. And the line about flame details making the bike go faster is inspired by (read: also ripped off from) comments made by Arkiel in a conversation about the Transformers movie, in a thread on the forums at EvaficsDotOrg (go there). Until next time, folks. Take care.

Oh and Eric, now you have a two sentence tagline instead of a one sentence tagline. Ask and you shall receive.


	5. Selfesteem

**Whipped**

**Chapter 5: Self Esteem**

_Well I guess, I should stick up for myself  
But I really think it's better this way  
The more you suffer  
The more it shows you really care…  
Right?_

_-Offspring, Self Esteem_

Shinji was not happy.

His unhappiness largely stemmed from the fact that water was falling on his face. Though he wasn't usually the type to get so easily upset about something as insignificant as water on his face, there were other factors to consider as well. Like the water on his shirt, the water on his legs, the water in his socks and the nagging in his ear.

"Are you trying to get me wet?" asked Asuka for what seemed like the hundredth time, but was probably only the third. He didn't know what the girl could have possibly expected to happen when she all but ordered him to ride her to school on his bicycle… in the rain. He told her as much in response.

"Well the way you're peddling it's near-impossible to keep the umbrella at the right angle to block most of the rain. Could you pick a speed and stick with it?"

Her answer was received in the form of grumbling.

What she failed to mention was that while it was _nearly_ impossible to block _most_ of the rain from herself, it was _completely_ impossible to block _any_ of the rain falling on him. He had sincere doubts that she had even tried. Under normal circumstances he was happy to do almost anything his girlfriend asked of him, but even he had his limits. He had told her that this was a bad idea from the very beginning. Had told her several times actually. But that did nothing to stop her from browbeating him into doing it anyways. Nor had it stopped her from complaining his ear off the whole way. He was so annoyed at this point in the seemingly endless trip, that he was ready to kick the 'chick' off of his 'ride'. The only thing that stopped him was the knowledge that them being late was partially his fault (he'd been watching her sleep again… and it even creeped him out a little when he realized how long he'd been doing so). His guilt in this situation was another fact of which his girlfriend had seemingly thrown at him infinite times.

Lucky for all parties involved, they could see the school in the distance. Shinji sped up his pedaling despite Asuka's previous warnings. When they finally reached the bike rack, the two dismounted. He was awarded with the pleasure of Asuka telling him to "hurry it up!" as she stood under her umbrella watching him lock up his bike, still directly under the protection of nothing. As the two made their way into the building he pretended not to hear her indirect comments regarding him being the worst form of transportation in all of Tokyo-3.

--

They say experience is the greatest teacher of all. Shinji learned from his experience that 2 minutes of drying off with paper towels in the bathroom did nothing to make a person any less soaking wet. He also learned that spending two minutes in the bathroom after the bell has rung, makes a person 2 minutes late.

With a hesitant hand Shinji turned the handle of the door to classroom 2-A. He took note that all of the other students were both dry and on time.

"You're two minutes late," said Mr. Karowsaga.

"Sorry sir," said Shinji with a frantic bow. The action caused water to flick across the room, some of which fell upon other students.

"Ack!" cried Kensuke in outrage. "You've caused water to flick across the room, some of which has fallen upon me!"

"Sorry," said Shinji again, bow omitted. He then turned back to the teacher and said, "It won't happen again."

"It better not, or you'll be cleaning the classroom for a week."

Shinji awkwardly shuffled his way to his desk, a task not made easy by the narrow size of the aisles. He almost knocked several books off the desk of the mousy-faced girl sitting next to him before he was finally able to take his seat.

Kensuke said none-too-quietly, "I wish I were an Eva pilot so I could get away with being rudely wet and late."

"That's another week of clean up duty for you Aida."

Shinji tried not to feel too horrible about it. For some reason or another Kensuke had spent the last month cleaning the classroom after school. By this point Toji had ceased to believe it was Shinji's fault. Whenever Kensuke would complain the jock would shrug and mention something about Mr. Karowsaga probably not liking him very much. However Kensuke had a different theory.

When Shinji opened his laptop there was already a flashing message that read as follows:

_KA: Why do you hate me so much?_

**click**

Shinji sighed and closed the window. Another message took its place. It wasn't Asuka so Shinji decided to ignore it. Instead he focused all his attention on how completely wet and miserable he was until the end of class. He was cold to the point of shivering. Every time his foot moved he was assaulted with an awful squishy sound. It wasn't fun. All he could do was thank God it was a Saturday.

When the long drawn out discussion of post-2nd impact economics (which somehow ended with reminiscences of the teacher's college roommate who was so cheep he'd never chip in for pizza, but always wanted a slice) had finally come to its conclusion, Shinji had never been happier for a class to end. He hastily set about packing up his books and putting away his laptop before something unknown and unfortunate could happen to him. He took note of the fact that it was no longer raining and decided that there was some mercy in the world. The sky was still overcast, but even if it rained he wouldn't have to ride the bike in it. He was no longer in a hurry.

He set out the room as quickly as was reasonable and made his way to his locker. There he would grab the spare umbrella he kept for emergencies before meeting up with Asuka to walk home. Once he'd entered the combination and grabbed the umbrella the only thing standing in his way was Toji.

"'Sup," said Toji. "What happened to you?"

Shinji frowned. "I rode my bicycle in the rain."

"That's a stupid thing to do," Toji remarked.

"I know."

Shinji glanced around the hallway impatiently. The conversation was doing nothing for him in his wetted state and Asuka would be there any moment.

Toji shrugged. "Anyways… I was wondering if you wanted to hang out at the arcade tomorrow. Me and Kensuke were going to go up there around noon or so and play some games. Ken's still trying to beat that one guy's high score on the pinball machine."

"errr…ummm…uhhh…"

"Come on, it'll be fun. I promise you won't have to pay for the food like last time."

"…. Well …"

"And I'll try to convince Kensuke not to beat the snot out of you in those fighting games."

"… er… Well you see…"

"I don't get you man," said Toji obviously annoyed. "Just the other day you were practically begging to hang out with us-"

"I wouldn't say begging exactly-"

"And now you're going to blow us off?"

"You know I want to but… er…" Shinji wasn't quite sure how to say it without actually _saying it_. "Well… I would go… but…"

And just when he felt himself losing grip of his conversational control…

"But this dork is already spending his worthless Saturday being tutored by me."

Despite the fact that he was obviously going to say the wrong thing and blow it, Shinji found it funny how helpless and small he felt when Asuka took the reins.

"You're his tutor?" asked Toji in disbelief. "I never figured you'd be able to read the textbooks from that high horse you're always sitting on."

"Said he of the 1.0 GPA."

"If good grades mean spending any amount of time in a room with you, I'd rather fail."

"Looks like that's working out just fine for you," said Asuka expertly deflecting his attack. "Come on Shinji, I want to get home sometime today."

"He's not your dog, you know?" said Toji. "He don't have to scamper away every time you call."

Asuka said nothing in reply and began to make her way toward the exit. Shinji spared Toji an apologetic glance before following. Toji took private notice of the two breast-shaped dry spots on his friend's back.

--

The idea had been simple enough. It sounded harmless, if not a little exciting in a way. A day with Asuka. A nearly uninterrupted day of enjoying each other's company. On paper, it sounded to good to be true. In reality... things turned out well enough.

It all started with cereal. Shinji had woken around nine o'clock and poured himself a bowl of cereal. He thought about making some eggs and bacon, but rarely had the energy to do so on the weekends. Time consuming activities such as these seemed better suited for weekdays when he had a sense of purpose. On this day however, he hadn't even bothered to shower or change out of his bed clothes. It was Saturday after all.

Having bestowed a sparing amount of milk upon his Donut-shaped Grain Oats, he grabbed a spoon and hit the couch. Being the only conscious occupant of the apartment, he felt no shame in taking up the middle seat of the couch and spreading out. So there he ate bowl in lap, enjoying the freedom that came with no responsibilities.

30 minutes later...

"G'morning Shinji"

Asuka's hair was charmingly disheveled. Her eyes squinting slightly in the morning light. She wore a pair of green sweatpants that were rolled to right below the knee. Her long t-shirt hung loosely around her neck in a way that wasn't particularly inviting, but didn't exactly say 'no solicitors' either. A peak of a crevice, not a valley. Shinji rose to put up his bowl and spoon as he took strange interest in the sluggish way she moved. It was kinda funny, in a non-laughable way.

So he smiled and said, "good morning."

When Shinji attempted to rinse his bowl and spoon in the sink, Asuka stopped him.

"I'll use those," she said taking the dishes in hand. She then lifted her gaze to the refrigerator and surveyed the available selection. "Fortunate Marshmallows, Cinnamon Swirl Squares, Sweetened Corn Puffs, and Donut-shaped Grain Oats." She said the last one with an air of distaste. "Hmm... which one did you eat?"

Shinji felt mild shame as he said, "Donut-Shaped Grain Oats..."

"Figures," said Asuka. She stretched up on her tippy-toes and grabbed the Cinnamon Swirl Squares. Without sparing him another glance she poured said cereal into previously mentioned bowl. Shinji took this as a sign of dismissal made his way back to the couch where he turned on the television. Switching through the channels he settled upon a morning program. A popular comedian was talking to the host about his new more popular celebrity love interest, while plugging his upcoming movie. A clip of the movie was shown where the comedian kisses a completely different beautiful actress while making lewd hand signs to his friend behind her back.

The audience claps in it's controlled studio roar.

"oooohhh," said the female host. "Funny stuff. But how does Yukari feel about you kissing all these other beautiful women. Does it make her a jealous?"

The comedian laughed nervously. "Well she did give me some grief about it when she first heard. But then I told her that every time I did it, I was thinking about her. And then she asks if I'm thinking all these lewd things as I'm kissing her and... "

"Are you?" the host interrupted.

Asuka took a seat on the couch next to him. He tried to scoot over to accommodate her. It was a two cushion couch so there was certainly room for the two of them to spread out. Yet somehow or another their legs were still in contact. Shinji tried not to make too much of it. But it did feel nice.

"Well... you know..."

Laugher exploded from the television.

"But I wasn't going to tell her that. So I said, 'honey, the truth is..."

Asuka grabbed the remote from his lap and changed the channel. Shinji turned to her in his perplexed state.

"You weren't watching that." Not a question...

Shinji frowned, then shrugged.

Asuka flicked through channel after channel. She never stayed on one station long enough for Shinji to get anything but the briefest idea what show was on. However, the dutiful way she clicked convinced him that she must know what she was doing. Indeed, moments later her surfing came to an end. She had found her target: Saturday morning cartoons.

It was a familiar show to be sure, though one that Shinji had never particularly cared for. Senseless violence had never appealed to him. Not even when of the cartoon variety.

"You like this?" asked Shinji.

"Who doesn't?"

Shinji shook his head. "eh... I guess."

"Don't tell me you don't like Jon and Henry. The world's favorite feline and rodent duo."

Shinji decided not to tell her.

Fortunately, at that moment Morning Misato chose to barge into the kitchen, gracing the two of them with her marvelous presence.

"Good morning," Shinji whispered. He'd learned long ago that Morning Misato and regular volume voices did not mix.

Misato said, "aahhggrraah-uh."

Shinji wasn't terribly surprised. As Asuka continued to watch her pointless cartoon, he watched his guardian stumble her way to the fridge. She instantly turned her head upon opening the door as a means to shield herself from the appliances bright light source. Wildly thrusting her hand into the fridge, she blindly searched for her morning beverage, her sense of touch her only guide. It was fortunate that there were cans of the stuff virtually everywhere.

Misato stumbled her way back to the table, beverage in hand. _Ta-shhhhh_. An opened tab. She took the can straight to the head and did not take prisoners.

"AAAAAYYyyeeeeeeHHHHh!"

At this unearthly (yet expected) noise even Asuka turned to look. Misato's face was notably blank. A moment passed. Then another. And yet another before...

"Good morning Shinji. Good morning Asuka." said Misato with a smile.

Asuka said, "You're disgusting."

"Love you too."

Misato threw her beer in the trash and started to make herself breakfast. After pouring a nutrition filled bowl of cereal, she unbashfully exclaimed, "I love Fortunate Marshmallows."

"You say that every morning," said Asuka.

"And every morning it's true."

"Shinji would disagree."

Misato glared at Shinji dangerously from the kitchen. "Is that so?"

"He likes Donut-Shaped Grain Oats. Thinks they're the tastiest cereal ever."

"I never said..."

"He told me that Donut-Shaped Grain Oat's dad would beat the crap out of Fortunate Marshmallow's dad any day of the week."

"Blasphemy!" cried Misato as she entered the living area. Somehow, beyond all rational reason, Misato managed to transform the two person seating couch into a three person seating couch without asking Shinji to move over and make room. She accomplished this through a strange yet violent hip nudging motion, that was perfectly executed in a manner designed not to spill a single drop of milk. Also she was glaring at him with that playful anger that he knew was fake and harmless. It still made him incredibly nervous.

"How could you not like Fortunate Marshmallows?" she asked. "They're luckily delicious!"

"I never said I didn't like them... I just felt like Donut-Shaped Grain Oats is all..."

Misato wasn't taking any excuses. "All other brands are inferior."

"But Asuka's eating Cinnamon Swirl Squares!"

Asuka looked up from the TV and said, "At least those don't taste like cardboard."

"They don't taste like..."

"And you know what else? Shinji hates Jon and Henry."

"Double Blasphemy!"

"It's only the single greatest cartoon to ever be animated."

"Darn tootin'"

"And this loser hates it."

Shinji felt himself growing red. "I mean, it's okay... I just don't get it, is all."

"It's science, Shinji," explained Misato. "Science. The cat is hungry and wants to eat the mouse. The mouse must fight off the cat for self-preservation. Survival of the fittest. Something about stepping on rakes and having them hit you in the face... (almost happened to me once)..."

"Also explosions," chimed in Asuka. "Can't forget about the explosions."

"Right. Explosions. And guns and knives of all shapes and sizes. 'Oh lucky me, I didn't get hit' but take a drink and water comes out the holes. It's comedic science."

"I guess... I just don't get the point."

"He doesn't get the point?" cried Misato. "This is a work of art we're talking about."

"Genius is what it is," said Asuka.

"Pure genius indeed. Look at the helpless baby duck for example. He's revived a stale and repeated formula. Instead of simply watching Jon chase Henry (while Henry generally gets the better of him), we are now introduced to a new character that is just as vulnerable to a big cat like Jon. But there is a twist. The baby duck shares none of Henry's intellect and wit."

"Thus the phrase, 'helpless baby duck'" said Asuka.

"Exactly. The helpless baby duck (hereafter referred to as the HBD) does not know the danger represented by Jon, and thus walks blindly into said danger. And many times it seems as if the HBD is going to meet his untimely demise. But suddenly... out of nowhere comes Henry, our shining hero. In order to protect the HBD he is forced to inflict even more violence against Jon. Thus revitalizing our entertainment in the show." She paused. "Now do you see its brilliance?"

Shinji looked to his left and right and knew despair. He saw the expectant faces of his two roommates and could no longer tell whether they were joking or not. If they weren't, this was a weird topic to make such a passionate stand about. If they were... he didn't think it was very funny.

Time ticked.

If he said the wrong thing they would continue to berate him with how great the show was. There was also the possibility that they would dismiss him entirely, invalidating his opinion forever. _Shinji eats Donut-Shaped Grain Oats and doesn't like Jon and Henry. What does he know about the world? What does he know about anything? _He would be a social outcast, discriminated against for his beliefs. Though likewise a favorable answer would only serve to show how easily swayed he was. He would be labeled a flip-flopper. His policies would be subjected to any outward force, like leaves in the wind. He would only like movies that had good reviews and live a life dictated to him by others.

"Well... I... er..."

Was it so wrong to dislike Jon and Henry? Was this an issue of important conformity? Was his dislike of a popular television show the equivalent of saying "I support murder" in a society such as this?

"I guess it's...

He felt the walls closing in. Their eyes were upon him. They saw his weakness and grinned with fanged teeth. Their mouths opened in animalistic snarls, waiting to devour him. One wrong word... all it took was one wrong word and then they would come down on him, as surely as Jon would devour the HBD if given the chance. But then...

"I mean it has its merits in ways that are really... uh... brilliant and genius and... er...

Misato placed her hand on his chin and playfully shook his face.

"You're too easy," she said smiling from ear to ear.

"Isn't he, though?"

"Yeah, you're definitely right about him, that's for sure."

Shinji's face flushed red again.

"I told you."

"Look at his face!"

"Mein Gott, he's blushing!"

"Too cute. I wish I had my camera."

"He's so sensitive."

"But some women find that attractive, right Asuka?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh you know exactly what I mean..."

ect.

They were talking about him as if he wasn't even there.

And maybe he wasn't. There was this world of other people that he failed to understand. He could see the world of others. Sometimes he could even affect it. But mostly things seemed to move with or without him. Him saying that he didn't like Jon and Henry would not have changed either woman's opinion of it. It probably wouldn't have changed their opinion of him either. And he wondered...

_"Are you happy now, kid?"_

_It was a week after he and Asuka had reconciled their differences. Kaji was at a pop machine pressing the glowing button that would lead to the deliverance of a Pepsi. Shinji was sitting at a table in the rec room waiting (always waiting) for Asuka to finish changing out of her plugsuit so they could go home. This was the first time he'd seen the man since buying his bike._

_Shinji smiled and nodded. He was indeed happy._

_"I'm glad you think so," said Kaji. "We'll see how long that lasts, won't we?"_

_And suddenly Shinji wasn't happy. He stared at a point on the soda machine that was very close to Kaji's face and said, "Why do you always have to bring me down? Can't you just... leave it alone?"_

_The bottle of soda unceremoniously fell through the machine to the dispensing tray._

_"I forgot you're so sensitive," said Kaji with a smile. Shinji failed to see the humor. "Look kid, I'm not trying to bring you down. I'm just trying to keep you thinking. Complacency is the bedmate of folly."_

_The man bent down to grab his beverage._

_"What?"_

_"Don't get me wrong. I couldn't be happier you kids are back together."_

_Shinji supposed that did mesh with the man's previous generosity._

_"Honestly, I'm kinda jealous. I never got to the whole 'innocent youths in love' stage. My initiation to the world of romance was a little more direct, and a little less sweet. If you catch my drift."_

_He didn't._

_"But when I got into the game, I already understood some basic things that I think you're missing. I never approached women as a solution to my problems. They're more of a supplement, you see. Like the spoonful of sugar with your medicine. The sugar doesn't fix the problem, but it sure does make it a heck of a lot more bearable."_

_Shinji's face was decidedly blank._

_"I get it kid. It feels like a world shattering, you complete me, can't live without you kinda thing. And maybe that's not a bad thing as a whole. To feel that way. A lot people feel like that, and then when it's over it seems like the sky fell. Then they find some other girl who they 'can't live without' and they say, 'first girl who?' But the real problem is when you actually can't live without the person. Because that isn't love kid. That's asking someone to carry you on their backs across the freakin desert. At a certain point you should stop looking for crutches, and start trying to fix your broken legs. You'll find that if you lean too heavily on those crutches for too long, more than likely they're going to break."_

_"Mr. Kaji?"_

_"Yeah Shinji."_

_"I have no idea what you're talking about."_

_Kaji opened the pop bottle with a resounding hiss._

_"I know Shinji. That's the problem." Shinji watched as the older man took a long drink. "What I'm trying to tell you is that you're happy now... and that's good. And one day, hopefully not too soon, you're going to come to me. I'm going to ask you, 'are you happy now, kid?' If you're as smart as I think you are, you'll at least have a rough idea about why you're so miserable. And you know what? I'll be more than happy to listen. I'm a nice guy like that."_

_Shinji glared at him without much malice._

_"Oh... right. I almost forgot. You owe me a lot of money kid."_

_Shinji dropped his glare._

_Before either of them had the chance to speak again Asuka walked calmly into the room. She spotted Kaji and was all over him in a matter of seconds. A long drawn out hug ensued. Kaji looked at Shinji with something akin to embarrassment and raised his hands in a gesture that said, "See look where my hands are"._

_Shinji's glare returned._

_After brief pleasantries they all left Nerv together, Asuka on Kaji's arm and Shinji walking behind them. It wasn't the most enjoyable walk for him, but watching his girlfriend fawning over an older man did give him plenty of time to think. Yes there were downsides to this relationship. There were downsides to this life. But there were also the upsides too. Like..._

Like the realization that both Asuka and Misato couldn't possibly be sitting any closer to him without somehow being on top of him. Asuka... he could live with Asuka. Her cotton sweatpants pressed firmly against his leg and her moving ever so often brushing her arms and side against his shoulder. It bothered him yes... but it was a good type of bother. It was something he could get used to.

Misato? Not so much. The woman's shorts were true to their name's sake. They rode up to the point of near non-existence. A _bare thigh _wastouching him and he had no idea how to cope with that reality. It was a large meaty section of flesh. He could feel direct heat emanating from the contact. Some of her lower thigh was even touching his skin. And this was Misato. A fully developed woman. Overkill.

Shinji found himself wishing that Jon and Henry was half as interesting to him as it was to Misato and Asuka. He wasn't exactly pitching at tent, but he at least had what Toji would call a "halfy". Had he not been sure that Misato and Asuka were completely engrossed in things not concerning him, he would have already fled the situation. However, if something even slightly more arousing were to happen, he had already prepared an escape route. It involved hastily grabbing both female's dirty dishes from their hands and running to the kitchen under the guise of doing a good deed.  
_  
_He needn't have worried. Neither of them seemed particularly interested in him at all. Both simply sat beside him watching the TV, laughing at the appropriate intervals. Occasionally Misato would say, "Oh that Henry" with a strange sort of fondness. The only real movement on either woman's part was the minor shuffling of position, or the unconscious stroking of some appendage (both actions which Shinji tried not to pay too much attention).

After a while it occurred to him that it was perfectly safe to relax. His halfy was reduced to a "fourthy" and his anxiety was reduced as well. This wasn't an act of sexual advance on either side of the fence. It was something much more benign, and in a way even more surprising. With Asuka and Shinji's reconciliation, a sort of easiness had settled upon the household that had never existed before. In the past, neither Misato or Asuka would have ever sat so close to him. Misato would not have playfully grabbed his face. And if either of them had tried to do so before... well he most likely wouldn't have responded so well. It was a weird thing for sure, but he supposed it was a good thing as well.

The touch barrier was down in the Katsuragi household... nothing would ever be the same.

--

The funny thing about Asuka's purposed day of solitude was that it was significantly marred by Misato's presence. It wasn't so much that Shinji himself minded the woman being around the two of them as it was that he could see his girlfriend's (?) obvious annoyance with it. Shinji understood that Asuka did not want to do anything remotely romantic with Misato around. That was just proper. But what he didn't understand was why Asuka tried to pretend that their relationship was non-existent. With everyone in Nerv knowing of them it was kinda hard to figure out just who the girl was trying to kid.

Surely it wasn't Misato, who made it her personal duty to make the two of them feel as uncomfortable as possible. While watching TV that morning on several occasions, she randomly shouted "Hand check!" and made a spectacle of finding out exactly where each of their hands lay in proportion to the other person. She also allowed for a bevy of little hints and jabs which she surprisingly directed mostly at Asuka. So by the time she left for her half-day shift at work with the ominous warning "I don't want to come back and find anyone pregnant" Asuka was more than happy to be rid of her.

"Finally," she said with angry frustration. "I thought she was never going to leave."

"Hmm," said Shinji as he scooted over to give her more room on the couch. He was only mildly surprised when Asuka scooted over as well.

"She can be so annoying sometimes."

"... I guess..."

"I mean she just kept going on and on. It was barely funny the first time... but after a while it wears on you."

For some reason Shinji absolutely needed to say, "But you didn't have any problem when you were talking about me."

"Well that WAS funny. I mean come on... you're a pushover."

Shinji turned toward the TV and muttered, "Thanks."

"I call'em like a see'em. If you don't like people making fun of you, then you should grow a pair."

He thought those were wonderful words to hear from your loving girlfriend. He was so overwhelmed by her touching sincerity that he found himself speechless.

"But don't worry about it too much, Shinji. Misato was right. Some girls do find that attractive..."

He looked over briefly and caught the glint in her eye. And then suddenly her lips were on his. And that was that.

She pulled back briefly, and both of them smiled. Then she went in again... this time for the kill. It was fun... fun and something else. Significant. Like maybe the most important thing he'd ever done in his entire life was to sit there with his girlfriend and make out. It consumed his mind and turned it inside out. The only thoughts he could think of involved how good it felt. Her tongue probing his mouth and exploring. Without much thought he brought a shaky hand up and placed it around her back. It kinda surprised him when Asuka reached down and removed that hand, but continued the saliva exchange. She then snaked both of her arms around his back and pushed him firmly against the couch.

They kissed like that for a while. The "fourthy" was now a "fully".

A few times Shinji's hands snaked back around her, but were gently rebuffed. It took several such exchanges before Shinji finally recognized that this was completely intentional.

When they came up for air Shinji said, "Why won't you...?"

But Asuka stopped him by putting a finger on his lips. Her smile was small and knowing.

"Shhhh... you don't have to do anything. I know you think you have to... but you really don't."

Shinji stared up at her in confusion.

"I'm going to take care of you," she said happily. Seductively. It was certainly a conscious thing. "You don't have to worry anymore... because you're may HBD."

She leaned down to capture his lips again and Shinji worried no more.

--

After that, they watched TV. Asuka's arm was firmly wrapped around Shinji's waist. It was comfortable. It was nice. Eventually they got around to the homework that both of them really did need to do. Asuka's intuitive understanding of the subjects was only marred by her slow and error filled reading, which was something Shinji did his best to tip-toe around. He knew she was sensitive about it, which is why he didn't use it as a comeback when she directly insulted his math skills.

Later that evening they decided to make out again. Well... Asuka decided they would make out again. Shinji told her that Misato would be home soon and that maybe it wasn't a good idea. And then Asuka started kissing him. They were interrupted 5 minutes later when said guardian entered the room. They sprung apart as if on fire. Upon seeing Shinji in a rather worked up state, Misato pulled the boy aside and explained to him the social folly of having a "fully" in the presence of women. It was a brief, awkward conversation made even more awkward by the fact that his guardian was taking the subject matter completely seriously, and explained it to him as one would explain an ethical issue to a child. At that point, Shinji decided to call it a night.

Sometime that week, Shinji and Asuka went to the mall. Shinji watched her purse in a clothes store.

Misato treated the three of them to cheep ramen at a restaurant. It was a nice time. Asuka grabbed Shinji's hand under the table. Misato pretended not to notice, but Shinji noticed her noticing. Nothing else became of it.

Asuka and Misato engaged in a heated argument over whose turn it was to do the laundry. Shinji volunteered to do it for them, hoping to end the fighting. Asuka told him, "quiet Third, we're talking here." The argument continued for another 5 minutes. Misato pulled rank and Asuka was stuck with the chore. She asked Shinji to do it for her. Shinji did the laundry.

When Hikari wanted to go shopping, Asuka told him she was sorry that she couldn't help him with his homework, but that she would make it up to him.

When Shinji wanted to go to the arcade Asuka said, "We gotta do that homework." Shinji did not go to the arcade.

One day Asuka and Shinji stayed up all night watching television on the couch. She whispered in his ear and said very kindly, "You know Third, you're a pretty okay guy." Then she kissed his cheek. And he felt... amazing. They fell asleep on the couch. The next morning Misato did not let up on the jokes.

While walking home from school with Asuka, Shinji turned around to see Rei walking behind them. He only looked briefly, but he thought she was smiling.

On a really hot day when Asuka was away at Hikari's, Misato came out of her room wearing only a bra and panties. She walked into the kitchen, made a sandwich, and sat down next to him on the couch with it. Shinji made a successful effort not to stare at her. They did not touch at all and that was for the best. Misato made several colorful comments about the sitcom they were watching and Shinji smiled in agreement. It wasn't as awkward as he would have thought. He almost managed to relax.

For six straight days Shinji did all the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed the floors, and cooked all the meals. On the seventh, day Shinji Rested. On the eighth day, his roommates complained.

After the fifth rejection in two weeks time Toji asked, "What, Do we have to kidnap the guy to hang out with him?"

Once while in a heated kissing session, Asuka bit Shinji's neck. It left a mark that was clearly visible. When he complained about it, he was told to "suck it up, it's not that bad." She provided him with a reasonable excuse: acne. Nobody even asked about it.

Life continued.

--

Inside a small little office in a remote corner of Nerv, Ryoji Kaji asked, "Are you happy now, kid?"

Shinji said, "No."

--

--

**AN: ** Hope you like it. It's not the best stuff I've ever written, but I'll keep on writing it till I get to the good parts. Assuming you all stick with me till then. Thanks for reading.


	6. A Tale of Two Kidnappings

**Previously on Whipped: **

_Inside a small little office in a remote corner of Nerv, Ryoji Kaji asked, "Are you happy now, kid?"_

_Shinji said, "No."_

**Whipped**

**Chapter 6: A Tale of Two Kidnappings  
**

"What time is it?" asked Kaji. He had no clocks in his office. The ticking would drive him crazy in such a cramped space. He was never a fan of digital one's either. Something about the glow.

"Around 6," said Shinji feeling somewhat out of place. He didn't know why, but he thought the declaration of his unhappiness would have a bigger effect on the atmosphere. He hadn't expected Kaji's nonchalance and was a little perturbed by it to be honest.

"Not nearly enough time..." The older man rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "What size shirt do you wear?"

"Uh... smalls and mediums..."

"Close enough." Kaji re-arranged the papers he was going over at his desk (meaning he threw them back into a messy pile) and abruptly stood from his chair. "Come on, let's go."

"Where are we going?" Shinji reluctantly stood up as well.

"Don't worry about that," said Kaji with a smile. "I'll take care of everything."

Shinji frowned heavily. The last time Kaji took care of everything, Shinji was found unconscious in the men's locker room. Nevertheless, he filed in right behind Kaji as he exited the office. They made their way through the halls of NERV stopping only briefly at security check points along the way.

When they reached the parking lot, Kaji approached a black four door sedan and gestured for Shinji to get in. Shinji was impressed by its appearance. The interior was decked out in beige-dyed leather. Everything was spotless and clean. The dashboard and stereo system had all the bells and whistles. There was even an onboard GPS. Shinji didn't know what make or model it was, but he thought that he'd be lucky to drive a car like this one day… assuming he lived that long.

"It's a company car," said Kaji. "One of the perks of higher rank. Though I guess it's not much compared to your giant purple ride, eh?"

Kaji chuckled and Shinji stared at him uncertainly.

With a turn of a key the car flared to life. Music blasted from the speakers at a volume slightly louder than Shinji was comfortable with. Kaji shifted into gear and they began their journey.

"Kids still like Rock and Roll, right?"

Shinji shrugged. "Eh… I guess."

They drove on for a while with the music as the only sound between them. Suddenly Kaji took a hand from the wheel and applied palm to face.

"What's wrong?" asked Shinji.

Kaji shook his head and held up a finger, before fishing his phone out of his pocket. He thumbed through his contacts list and made a call.

"Misato, what a pleasure!" he said.

Shinji was slightly taken aback by Kaji's suddenly cheerful disposition.

"Yes of course I was the one to call you. Doesn't make it any less pleasurable."

Kaji chuckled. "I'd be offended if I thought you meant that."

"I have something here with me that you might be interested in."

He turned the phone to Shinji's direction and quietly said, "Say 'Hi' Shinji."

Shinji looked at him as if he was crazy. After a moment of staring he sighed and said "Hi Misato" into the mouth piece.

Satisfied Kaji placed the phone back at his ear.

He chuckled again at whatever Misato said in response. "It doesn't matter what I'm doing with him. What matters to you, assuming you ever want to see him alive again, is that certain demands of mine are met."

Shinji was beginning to seriously question his decision to get in the car. He was 75 percent sure that Kaji was joking… but he never did like gambling much.

"Oh nothing that bad," said Kaji dismissively. "Dinner on Sunday. Just the two of us. Like old times."

Kaji let out a sigh of disappointment.

"Okay okay. I'm not going to twist your arm… hostage situation notwithstanding."

"How about lunch?"

Kaji frowned slightly. Shinji could see a bit of the humor fall from his face.

"I'm sure you can squeeze me in."

"We can make it a light lunch. No conversation required. I'll just watch you eat."

"Come on now. Don't make me beg."

Suddenly Kaji's face lit up.

"Alright then. It's a date."

And his face fell again.

"Okay not a date. A ransom exchange then. Good. I look forward to it. Alright, Bye beautiful."

Kaji put down the phone just as they pulled into the parking garage for a large apartment complex. The sudden darkness of their surrounds cast shadows across the older man's face.

"Good news," he said. "You get to live."

xxxxxxxxx

The apartment was clean without being spotless and uncluttered without being bare. Kaji had a way of throwing things about so that anything out of place seemed to be easily put back in it. It wasn't hard to imagine how an undershirt might have been left to drape over the couch in the morning rush, or why a few dishes remained unwashed in the sink. The room gave the impression of mild carelessness, not lack of discipline.

Shinji looked around as Kaji briefly busied himself with picking things up a bit. The task was quick and painless, since there wasn't much in the apartment to begin with. The only decorations that stood out was a standard clock hanging from the livingroom wall and an acoustic guitar on a stand in the corner. Somehow the place was both how Shinji expected it to be and not.

"Would you like some tea?" asked Kaji drawing him from his observations. He nodded and Kaji set to work. There was no talk between them as the older man brewed, but the silence was not uncomfortable. Shnji was surprised by how well he was taking his kidnapping. He almost felt comfortable enough to relax. His near-good mood was spoiled, however, when Kaji returned with the tea and a very difficult question.

"So why aren't you happy?"

This was perhaps the first time in Shinji's life that he wished he was engaging in small talk.

"I... don't really know."

"of course..."

"I just... I thought that if they liked me I'd be happy. And they do like me, but..."

Kaji held up a hand to stop him.

"Who's they?" he asked.

"Well you know... Asuka and Misato. Rei... Toji and Kensuke…" _My father… You…_ "Everyone I guess..."

"So you want everyone to like you?"

"Yes... well not everyone," he wasn't a kid. He knew everyone wouldn't like him. "Just the people I know..."

Kaji nodded. "So everyone then."

Shinji lowered his eyes and took a sip of his tea. "… not everyone…" he mumbled.

"Everyone's not going to like you." He knew that. He knew it but…

"It's just... they don't treat me like everyone else."

"What do you mean?"

"Like... when I'm talking... They don't listen to me like they listen to each other. And if I do something different they're always pointing it out and making it a big deal. And when they do something odd and I point it out, it's never a big deal. When they talk to me and tell me to do things I just... I have to do them. And when I ask them to do things... they only do them if they want to. And they say we're close... you know. Like friends or something... but I'm just... not like them."

"Hmm..." said Kaji. He rubbed his chin with his hand. To his credit he seemed deep in thought about Shinji's problem. As for Shinji himself he felt somewhat shocked that he'd said so much about himself, almost un-prompted. It felt draining.

"I think I understand your problem."

Shinji raised his head in mild surprise. "You do?"

"Yeah," said Kaji with a hint of a smile. "You've got a classic Dangerfield dilemma."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

The smile turned to a smirk. "Ya get no respect."

Shinji frowned. "I don't know..."

"People don't listen to you, they don't do things you ask them to do, and they're constantly criticizing you. Trust me kid, you get no respect."

"But... but I always listen to people! And I... I never say anything bad about anyone! And I'm trying to do what they want me to do! I'm really trying!"

"And that's why they don't respect you," Kaji explained.

But this only confused Shinji further. "But if I'm nice to them, and do everything they want me to, shouldn't they respect me then?"

Kaji shook his head while smiling. "Do you walk on doormats Shinji?"

"Yeah," said Shinji. "Everyone does."

"Do you respect your doormat?"

"Well... I don't have to respect it. It's a doormat."

"Bingo."

Shinji messaged his forehead in frustration. He was beginning to hate analogies. He asked Kaji where he was going with this.

"It's pretty obvious," said Kaji with a trace of sympathy. "No one can respect you when you let them walk all over you. Sure people might clean a rug and try to keep it from getting dirty, but at the end of the day a rug is a rug. They're just going to walk on it again."

Shinji took a few moments to let this info sink in.

"So you're telling me that no one respects me... because I'm nice to them?"

"No, Shinji." Kaji shook his head. "They don't respect you because you let them wipe their dirty feet on you." At Shinji's puzzled look he added, "You don't treat yourself with respect."

Shinji was silent. He didn't understand how he was supposed to respond to something like that. The concept of self respect and self-disrespect held little meaning to him. All he'd tried to do was get along. He just wanted to be a person that they wouldn't hate. Shinji couldn't understand how that would lead them to disrespect him.

"I... don't know..."

"What don't you know?" asked Kaji. His tone was completely serious.

Shinji felt as if the words he needed to say were physically weighing him down. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be."

"Well," said Kaji after taking a sip of his tea. It surprised Shinji how candidly the man could talk about another person's very being. "What do you want to be?"

"I want to be..." but he stopped himself, struck by the horror of what he would say.

"Take your time," said Kaji.

All the time in the world wouldn't change the answer that threatened to slip out of Shinji's mouth. He mentally went over all the various sentences he could use to illustrate his desire. Switching out what few synonyms he knew and rearranging the structure of the words to try and devise something that didn't sound so... stupid. It was a useless endeavor. There was really only one way to say it. When he did say it Kaji, the man who had somehow convinced Shinji to pour his heart out to him, would laugh openly into his face. And if he did do that, then Shinji would probably never trust him, or any other man, with his personal feelings again. Given the awkwardness of the entire situation, that didn't seem like the worse possible outcome. It would be a lot easier then ever having to be so nakedly honest again.

So casting his concerns aside in one moment of tense aprehension Shinji said, "I just want to be loved."

Kaji for his part did not laugh. Instead he frowned disapprovingly.

"That's not a state of being, Shinji. That's a state of dependency."

Neither of them spoke for several long moments. Shinji was baffled at Kaji's response, while the older man was deep in thought. Finally Kaji spoke again.

"You seem to have a weak concept of your own personal goals and an even weaker concept of how to achieve them. What you think you want is love, but you have no idea what that entails."

He gave a brief pause here as if he expected Shinji to object. When the boy said nothing, he continued.

"One of the most misguided beliefs in this world is that love is something you can have and hold. But love is the only entity in this world that can be given and can never be received. Love is not a goal to reach for, but a random fact of life. And if someone loves you it is by no effort on your own part, but simply a matter of that person finding some sort of value in your own personal being. You can't influence what other people value in a person, but you can influence the type of person that you are. To believe anything else is folly."

Kaji's somber stare penetrated Shinji. He had never heard such a grim outlook on love and it felt odd coming from this particular source. Kaji had never struck Shinji as the whimsical dreamer type, but he'd always figured the man to be somewhat of an optimist. Yet here he was telling Shinji that there was no way to receive love. That it was something he just had to silently hope for. As the silence drug on Shinji adverted his eyes from the man. He had come here looking for answers to a problem, not having cruel realism shoved into his face.

"Why can't you just help me?" asked Shinji quietly. "You always tell me I'm wrong but you never fix it. You're too cruel, Mr. Kaji."

Kaji's eyes never left Shinji's face.

"Do you think you'd be better off not knowing?"

Shinji stared at the kitchen sink as he said, "I was happy before." When Kaiji didn't respond he added. "At least... I was happier. I don't need your help to feel awful. I already know how pathetic I am... I'm useless and weak." His eyes began to water, but he didn't care. "You don't have to tell me Mr. Kaji."

"I never said any of that."

"You don't have to tell me anything... ok." Shinji abruptly rose from his seat. "Thank you for the tea," he said, heading for the door.

"Do you know why I use your laundry mat?" It was such a jarring question that Shinji stopped dead in his tracts. "I have a perfectly fine washer and dryer here. Right inside the apartment. They're right there in that room next to the bathroom."

Shinji looked over at the room Kaji indicated. The door was closed, so he took Kaji's word for it.

"The reason is that every time I enter your building to do my laundry there is a slim chance, maybe one in every five visits, that I might see Katsuragi's beautiful face. And if I do see her walking out of the building or heading up the stairs I already know what to expect. She'll scowl at me as if I'm the lowest human being the world has ever seen. She'll give me a look of complete disregard and openly insult me to my face. And she will mean at least half of what she says."

Kaji chuckled lightly, but there was nothing humorous in his demeanor, nor in his little tale.

"I won't tell you what I've done to deserve such treatment. You know me well enough to know that it's probably justified. But despite all this, when I see her face it reminds me why I do the things I do each day. I know I'm not perfect and I know I never will be... but I can live from day to day so long as I have hope that she'll smile at me once again. As long as there is breath in my body, I will try to be a man who's worthy of her smile."

Shinji stood stock still in the doorway. His eyes were wide in contemplation.

"That's what love is, kid." said Kaji with a smile. "It's too damn beautiful to look at, and too damn heavy to hold, but you'd be a fool not to want it and a coward not to try."

xxxxxxxxxx

With some reluctance, Shinji decided to reprise his seat at the table. He could feel something real in Kaji's confession, and it made him rethink his previous assessment of the situation. Perhaps Kaji wasn't lying all that time ago when he had said that he'd lived through similar trials. Maybe there was more to this than just making him feel bad.

So he looked up at the man with a weathered expression and said, "I don't understand what you're trying to say."

In his defense, Kaji hadn't been trying to make much of a cohesive point. He was just searching for something that would get the kid to sit down and stay.

"Absolute love is unattainable, but the pursuit of it is not."

"So wait.. I _should _look for love then?"

Kaji shrugged. "If you want to, sure. Just don't expect it. And if you ever find it, don't get used to it either."

Shinji frowned and repeated himself. "I don't understand what you're trying to say."

"People make the mistake of thinking that the world is about them and their personal happiness. It's not. The only person who truly cares about your happiness is you. The rest of us couldn't care less."

"So I should look for my own happiness, then?"

"If you want to, sure. Just don't expect to find it."

Shinji shook his head.

"I don't understand what you're trying to say."

"There are very few things that you can have and hold in this world. Think of the handful of things in existence that truly belong to you. The clothes on your back, the cash in your pocket, and very little else. And even these things can be taken away."

"So I should try to hold onto what I have?" asked Shinji.

"If you'd like..."

"... but I shouldn't expect to keep it?"

"Bingo."

"I have no idea what you're trying to say."

"Then pay attention Shinji, because here comes the important part."

Shinji sat up in anticipation.

"There are some things in this world that no one can ever take from you. Your dignity. Your self-respect. Your sense of humor. Your cool. The only way to lose these things are to give them away."

"So I should never lose my cool?"

"Not unless you want to..."

"But I shouldn't expect to keep it."

Kaji shook his head.

"Not so, my young friend. If you want to, you can take that to your grave. Don't lose your cool. Never give them your dignity. Fight hard to keep your self-respect. And if someone tries to take either from you, you laugh right into their face."

"Oh..."

That wasn't the answer Shinji was expecting.

"Who are you Shinji?"

Shinji frowned in utter confusion.

"Doesn't the question answer itself?"

"Not in the least." Said Kaji without a hint of a smile. "Who is Shinji Ikari?"

"I'm... me."

Kaji stared intently into the young man's eyes.

"Are you weak and pathetic?"

It was a cruel thing to bring up the words he'd said in anguish. Shinji adverted his eyes.

"Are you?" asked Kaji.

"... you already know that..." Shinji mumbled.

"Do you want to be?" Kaji asked.

Shinji shook his head.

"Then stop it." Kaji said.

For a long time there was silence.

"... that's it?" asked Shinji.

"Yes," said Kaji. "Stop it."

"But... but how?"

"Humans are creatures of habit. We learn by doing my friend."

"Doing what?"

"Whatever it is you want to do."

Shinji frowned. "I don't understand what you're trying to say."

Kaji smiled.

"Would you like me to explain everything I know?"

Shinji nodded.

Kaji explained life.

Six hours later Shinji said, "I don't agree with everything you've said, but I think I understand you..."

"No one can ever understand anyone," said Kaji.

Shinji nodded in agreement and said, "I think I understand that too."

Fifteen minutes later, he went to sleep feeling tired and uncertain but not discontent.

xxxxxxxxxx

Shinji spent several days after his impromptu sleep over at Kaji's drifting in and out of thought. A lot of things the man had said resonated with him, but one thing stood out above them all: _If you don't know what you want, how do you expect to get it?_

Shinji didn't know what he wanted out of life, at least not in any detail. So he decided that the only logical course of action was to try and find out.

As he went through his daily routine, he found himself distracted. While riding his bike to school (with Asuka in tow) he started to question why he even bought a bike. Did he actually like bikes? Or did he just buy it because it was the first good suggestion someone made for how to spend his money. He supposed that having the bike did help him out in some ways. He certainly got places faster. But it wasn't as if he was always late before getting the bike either. The bike made his life a little easier, but he didn't exactly need it. Maybe he would have been better off spending his money on something else. Or he could have even saved it.

At school he found himself completely zoned out during a math test. He never exactly minded math, but that was a far cry from saying he liked it. What was the point of learning trigonometry? Would he ever use it in the future? He did not find an answer to those questions before the end of the class. A handful of test questions went unanswered as well.

Why did he reject Toji's offer to hangout again just to do homework with Asuka that he wasn't sure was worth doing? Why did he bother doing chores? He would only have to do them again. Why did he brush his teeth, or take showers, when one day he would be smelly and dead. Why?

It was only in those precious few hours alone with Asuka, that he ever managed to simply relax without thinking. When her lips met his there never was much to think about. Just the joy of sharing closeness and touch. It was so mind numbingly simple that he didn't dare to question it.

During the walk back from school one day, he lost himself once more in an inquisitive funk. This time he was contemplating why he bothered avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk, since his mother was already dead and probably wouldn't mind having a broken back. He was just about to question whether he liked the idea of morbid consequences in children's games, when he noticed the bus pulling up beside him. This led him to another line of questioning.

"Why is the bus here 10 minutes ahead of-"

He never saw it coming.

140 pounds of teenage flesh barreled into him and lifted him off his feet. At the same time the door of the bus opened up and a screaming Shinji was promptly carried in.

"What the hell?" he asked after roughly landing in the seat behind the driver.

"This is a rescue mission," said Kensuke. He pulled a banknote from his wallet and tucked it in the bus driver's breast pocket. "I think we're good to go now."

The bus driver didn't look too happy about the commotion, and a quick look around showed that many of the other bus patrons were none-too-pleased. Shinji shared this sentiment. The doors closed and the bus started to move.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked Toji with as close to a dirty look as he could manage. He couldn't quite believe he'd been side-tackled into a bus. It wasn't on his mental lists of 'possible things to happen on a Thursday'.

"I told ya, we'd hang out," said Toji smirking. "Even if I have to kidnap yo ass."

Shinji vaguely remembered hearing a threat like that, but he had no idea that they'd actually do it. He looked between his two friends, in stunned awe. Despite being on the wrong end of this particular stunt, he had to admit his friends had balls. Big cojones, indeed.

Then realization struck.

"I'm supposed to write a report with Asuka!" They had planned on writing their reports earlier in the week, but were distracted repeatedly by each other's mouths. Since it was do the next day, Asuka had insisted on working on it right after school. The only reason they hadn't walked home together was because she had cleanup duty that day. She was so determined to get it done as soon as possible that she requested he leave his bike for her to ride back home. If he wasn't there when she got there…

In his mind, Shinji's right shoulder flared up in unthinkable pain. He quickly rose his arm to pull the yellow cord that signaled the driver to stop. Toji grabbed his hand before he could do so. Once again Shinji stared at him in shock.

"It's for your own good," he said.

Kensuke smirked. "He's worried about losing you to another woman."

"Shaddup," Toji grumbled letting go of Shinji's arm to swing at him. Kensuke leaned back to dodge the blow.

"You should hear him talking about her when you're not around," said Kensuke. "Calls her the succubus."

Toji briefly glared at him before returning his attention to Shinji. "Well she's sucking the life out of you," he said. "You been walking around half dead for weeks."

"I've just been thinking a lot…" said Shinji.

"Ya get a little play from a girl and suddenly you start droopin' around like a puppet with its strings cut."

"It's not like that!" said Shinji, much too quickly.

Kensuke's jaw hurt from grinning. "Does she hit you?" he asked. "It's okay to tell us. You're safe now."

"Look she doesn't… we're not…" But Kensuke's playful smile and Toji's hard grimace stopped him mid-sentence. He wondered why he should bother explaining himself. They wouldn't listen to him anyways. No one ever did.

Kensuke dropped his grin as he noticed the flash of anguish on Shinji's face.

"Hey, don't worry about it," he said. "We just saw you were feeling down and wanted to have a little fun."

By this time the bus had taken them well into the downtown area. Even if he got off now there was no way Shinji could make it home before Asuka. Shinji let out a defeated sigh.

"Alright," he said.

If he was going to die, he might as well try to enjoy himself first.

xxxxxxxxx

Shinji wondered why they always went to the arcade. The three of them rarely hung out much outside of school and Shinji had never seen either of their homes, though they had seen his. But when they did spend time together it was always among the flashing lights and sound effects of the arcade.

Kensuke led the way, as he almost always did. There was a new space shooter game out on the floor. What made this particular game different from all the other 2D top-down shooters was that it didn't pander to the bullet-hell crowd. It was more of a throw-back to old school shooter conventions where the player was tasked with shooting down wave after wave of enemies that mostly lined up on the side of the screen.

Kensuke dragged Toji and Shinji over to the game. He was brimming with nerdly excitement. Two other kids were already playing the 2-player vs. mode.

"They call it wave battle mode," said Kensuke gesturing to the screen. The two players' starships were facing each other as a wave of alien sprites swirled between them pinned between their fire. "See the goal is to be the first person to clear the aliens from your screen right. But then after you've cleared them, if the person on the other side isn't finished, you get to boost your score by killing their aliens too! And your bullets carry over clear to the other side, so you can shoot at the other player, while he's dodging enemy fire and trying to clear out his waves."

"Hmm…" said Shinji. He wasn't sure if he really liked these kinds of games. It was an interesting idea at least. The player on the left side was having a tough time shooting at anything, since the other player had him pinned down in the corner. He predicted that Kensuke would have either him or Toji in a similar situation pretty soon.

"These guys are pretty good," said Toji.

Kensuke scoffed. "They've got nothing on the videos I've seen online."

The left player managed to hold out through the wave and kill the last alien on his side. But in the next wave he wasn't so lucky. While trying to avoid fire from the right player, he swerved into one of the alien's bullets and lost his last man. His friend was able to hold out a little bit longer, but he died on the same wave in the end.

"Who wants to lose first?" asked Kensuke. "You want some Shinji?"

The idea of losing to Kensuke in another video game wasn't particularly appealing. But if he didn't play now, he'd just lose to him after Toji did. Besides, it was better to play Kensuke now, before he had a whole round of experience under his belt.

"Sure."

The game was rather quick and brutal. They both made it past the first wave without losing any lives. But on the second wave Shinji just couldn't find a way to dodge around Kensuke's fire. He spent so much time trying to avoid Kensuke, that he'd barely killed any aliens. And as the round drug on, the alien's increased their rate of fire. He wasted two of his three lives vainly attempting to flee from the corner. Eventually he just thought, "screw it" and deliberately flew into Kensuke's bullet, ending his last life and his part in the game. To add insult to injury, Kensuke continued to play another 6 levels before he was finally defeated by the aliens.

"Next!" he called out. It was pretty obnoxious.

"Oh yo ass is mine," said Toji.

He fared a little bit better than Shinji, making it through the 3rd wave unscathed. Then he was promptly dominated by Kensuke.

"This game sucks," said Toji.

"Nope," Kensuke said with a smirk. "You just suck."

"Well sorry I don't waste half my time jacking off ta strategy videos."

Shinji found himself nodding. It_ was_ kinda cheap.

But Kensuke seemed unfazed. He nodded sagely and said, "Haters gonna hate."

They made their way to several other games and Shinji wasn't terribly impressed by any of them. He wasn't very good at video games, but even the games he was decent at (mostly the light-gun shooters) he didn't exactly have a ball with. The only game he ever really liked as a kid was ski-ball, but neither of the other boys seemed all that interested in it. They just continued to drag him along to game after game. They never asked him what he wanted to play and he couldn't help but resent it a bit.

After about an hour or so, there was a lull in activity. They'd burned through most of their saved up cash. Shinji had tried to be polite and stick around for a while, but he was ready to call it a day.

"Come on man," said Toji. "Stick around and have a slice of pizza first."

"I should really get back," said Shinji. The 'to Asuka' at the end of that went unsaid, but not unnoticed.

"My treat," said Toji.

Shinji sighed. He wondered if he really wanted to eat pizza, if he was sticking around to spare his friends' feelings, or if he just couldn't pass up free food. In any case, he said "Alright" and the three of them went to order.

"Remember that time when I whooped your behinds at every game in the arcade?" Kensuke reminisced.

"Shut it."

"No?" asked Kensuke feigning surprise. "I remember it like it was 5 minutes ago."

"Yeah, well I kicked your ass in the hoop shooting game."

Kensuke shrugged smugly. "I think you earned just enough tickets for a spider ring. Congratulations."

Shinji looked warily at his friends as they tried to out brag each other. He hadn't won at anything. He never won any games. The only one he knew he was good at was ski-ball and they didn't play that.

He wondered why he even hung out with Toji and Kensuke. They only ever did things that the two of them liked. In school, they ate where they liked to eat and they always talked about what they wanted to talk about. Even now, he was hanging out with them because they practically forced him to. And they never asked him what he wanted.

Did he like the arcade? Sure he didn't hate it. But they never asked. They just took him there regardless. Did he want to eat pizza right now? Yeah… the pizza was actually pretty good, despite being greasy. But that wasn't the point. They just decided they were going to eat pizza. Maybe he wanted a burger. They never asked him. And they never asked… each other…

They didn't have to ask for permission to drag each other off to do things. They just did it. When Kensuke wanted to play a game, he said "Let's go play blah blah Blasters 3" and they went to play Blah Blah Blasters 3. When Toji wanted to have lunch on the roof instead of in the courtyard, Toji said "Let's eat on the roof" and they ate on the roof.

They just did whatever they wanted, and unless there was some objection, they expected the others to follow. Shinji didn't know how he'd missed this after all the time he'd spent with them. Maybe the fact that they didn't ask him what he wanted to do wasn't some grand conspiracy to invalidate his input. Maybe they just assumed he didn't care because _he never tried to make any decisions!_

The idea was liberating and also kind of sad. He knew why he'd never tried to decide anything. It was because he barely knew what he wanted. But even when he did know what he want, he always went along with what other people wanted, because they never asked him. And they never asked him, because they assumed he didn't care.

As they finished up eating, he realized there was a golden opportunity. He wanted to play ski-ball. He hadn't played ski-ball in years. And since they were no longer playing any of the games that both of the other boys wanted to play, it was the perfect time to do so.

All he had to do was open his mouth and say, "Let's play ski-ball guys," and then they'd all go play ski-ball… probably… maybe.

He opened his mouth to do just that when Toji said, "Well I guess we should get goin'," and stood from the table. Shinji sagged in defeat. "The bus will probably be around soon."

"Yeah, I suppose you can only suffer so much defeat in a day."

So much defeat. How much more could he take?

"Yeah, but not nearly as much as Shinji." Toji smiled at him. Was he supposed to laugh at that? Was his continuous defeat amusing?

"He's got to be used to it by now," said Kensuke. "But he keeps coming back for more."

It never ended did it. He never could win.

"Yup, a regular glutton for punishment," said Toji slinging an arm around him as they walked toward the door. Shinji barely stopped himself from flinching at the contact. "But hey, I admire a guy for trying."

Why though? What was admirable about losing again and again?

"Yup," said Kensuke smiling slightly at Shinji's dismay. "You'd never win if you didn't try."

Shinji's brain stopped for a second. His eyes went wide as he processed this casual comment. They never did what Shinji wanted to do and he never _tried_ to do anything. He didn't know what he wanted, and he never _tried _to find out. He couldn't win like that. No one could.

He stopped in his tracks and his two friends stopped alongside him.

"Forget something?" asked Kensuke.

_I forgot to kick your ass at ski-ball!_

"… eh… maybe, do you guys wanna play a little ski-ball or something… maybe?"

"Right now?" asked Toji.

_Oh crap. This is it. This is why I never bothered. Because even if I try it's only one step closer to failure._

"Eh… I just… sorta wanted to… if you fell like it… I guess…"

Toji and Kensuke exchanged glances as if to say, "What's up with this guy?"

Shinji felt himself growing smaller as he said, "We don't have to… forget about it…"

Then Kensuke shrugged. "Sure, I guess I can give you two one last beating."

Shinji blinked slowly. "So… yeah?"

"Let's get to it," said Toji clapping him on the back.

And they went to play ski-ball. It was as simple as that.

xxxxxxx

They were mostly silent as they rode the bus home. It was a little past seven so they had managed to dodge the rush hour crowd. Each of them had a seat to themselves. Shinji stared out the window with a smile on his face.

He did like ski-ball. In fact, he liked it a lot. Even after earning the lowest score between them three times in a row, he still had fun playing. Perhaps the arcade wasn't such a bad hangout afterall. And even if he decided he didn't want to go to the arcade, he could always ask his friends to do something else. Chances are they'd go for it.

When Shinji really thought about it, his friends had done a lot of things for him that day. They'd taken him out, paid for his food and some of his games. Hell, they'd even bribed a bus driver to change his route for their transportation. Sure they hadn't really asked him what he wanted to do and what they had chosen wasn't initially what he wanted. But they had _tired _to do something nice for him and they succeeded.

The bus approached Shinji's stop and found himself reluctant for the day to end.

As he rose to leave Toji and Kensuke said their goodbyes.

Shinji smiled and said, "Thanks."

xxxxxxx

**AN: **Wait… what? Why is this being updated? I thought this story was dead. you should ignore everything above this author's note, since this whole chapter is clearly a typo.

On a slightly more serious note: I really did think this story was dead. For a long time I knew almost exactly where I wanted to take it, but had no desire to write it. I think this was mostly because my dissatisfaction with earlier chapters. But now looking back on it, I think I was being too hard on myself. Sure the quality of writing before wasn't spectacular, but how do I expect to get better if I don't keep writing? As a result of thinking thusly, you now have this chapter, and I've already written about 1k words towards the next one. A preview can be found bellow.

**On the Next Chapter of Whipped:**

"_You forgot one thing while you were having fun with your friends" said Asuka as she pulled the gun from her purse. "ME!"_

_Shinji wiped the tears from his eyes. "I don't know who I am anymore!"_

"_I now pronounce you, Mr. and Mrs. Soryu."_

_Ritsuko: "If the angel's velocity drops below 60 kilometers per hour it will explode!"_

_Maya "Me, pilot an Eva… but… I'm much too cute to risk my life!"_

_Kaji: "KHHHHHAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!"_

"_Gendo," said Misato softly. "It's your baby!"_

_Gendo: "This was not part of the plan."_

**See you space cowboy…**


	7. One Trick Pony

**AN:** This chapter is coming to you 3 years and 11 months ahead of schedule. You should all be proud of me. On a related note, thanks for all the kind reviews. I didn't expect that so many people would still be interested in this story. On a less related note: I'm looking for a beta reader. If you're interested read the Authors notes below for details. DO NOT ASK for the position without reading the info below.

**Whipped**

**Chapter 7: One Trick Pony**

Only after opening the door to the apartment and hearing the sound of the TV did Shinji remember that Asuka existed. He was surprised that he could have ever forgotten about the beautiful girl he lived with, especially since she was probably going to kill him. When she sat up and turned around on the couch to face him, he was also surprised by her expression. She looked angry… but not furious. The difference was small, but he took it as a blessing.

Rubbing his not-yet-reinjured right arm absentmindedly he said, "I-I'm Home."

Asuka stared at him just long enough to let him know that his attempt at casualness had completely and utterly failed.

"Where the hell were you?" her tone was hard. Again, angry. Not furious.

"I was... with Kensuke and Toji."

He briefly considered stating that he'd been kidnapped, but it sounded like a lie to his own ears. Having been there, he barely believed it himself. And even though he had been forced onto the bus, it wasn't like either of them had put a gun to his head. If he had really wanted to, he could have left at any time and spared himself Asuka's ire. But he hadn't wantedthem to be upset with him either…

"I thought we agreed that we were working on the report tonight."

Shinji recalled that as well. "Yes… but..."

She stared at him with furrowed brows. "We had an agreement."

He could only lower his head.

"So you remembered our agreement, then?"

Shinji nodded again.

"And you ditched me to hang out with…_them?"_ There was a touch of disbelief here, as if the idea was as confusing to her as it was infuriating.

"Sorry…" said Shinji. The sight of Asuka taking a large breath compelled him to cut her off before she had the chance to speak at a much louder volume. "I didn't plan it out like that… they kinda just… carried me along with them… and I told them I had things to do but they said we hadn't hung out in forever and… I didn't want to make them feel bad…"

"So it's okay to make _me_ feel bad?"

"No!" said Shinji much louder than he intended. "I didn't want that either I just…" He wasn't sure what he was thinking. He had only known that it was easier to go with their plans than to stick to his own. He'd known that it would upset Asuka. He'd even said it. But despite that, he'd gone with his friends and he still wasn't sure why.

"God you're pathetic," said Asuka. She didn't even sound mad anymore. It was more like irritation. He was weak beyond all helping, yet in her infinite kindness she still managed to put up with him. She wasn't happy with it, but she accepted it. She was _resigned _to it.

"Do you have to jump through hoops every time some dumbass tells you to?

Shinji no longer felt sorry. He felt ashamed.

_No. Of course not. It's only okay when I do tricks for you. Come when I'm called. Go when I'm not needed. Roll over Shinji. Whimper. Beg. Beg for scraps of kindness and never ever give them your dignity. Right, Mr. Kaji?_

"Whatever," said Asuka when he would not respond. It was that same sickening tone of complete and utter dismissal.

While staring at the floor, Shinji idly wondered, did he love her now?

Five minutes ago he had been happy. Now he stood in the doorway like a scolded child. Yet he thought that even still, even now… he would never find another girl like Asuka. He wasn't _worth_ a girl like Asuka. She was debasing herself to be with him. He knew it. She knew it. She was _resigned _to it.

But was he resigned to it as well?

"_What do you want to be?"_Mr. Kaji had asked.

_Not This,_ He thought._ Anything but this._

"They're my friends," said Shinji, still staring at the ground.

"Huh?" said Asuka. She had already returned to watching TV.

"I like hanging out with them sometimes… because they're my friends." He did not know why, but he forced himself to look up at her. To meet her eyes.

Asuka stared at him, her brows furrowed once more, but her head cocked to the side. For a moment there was silence as the two of them contemplated each other. Then abruptly Asuka shrugged.

"Okay," she said offhandedly. It was like she was talking about the weather. "I don't care who you hang out with. It's not like I'm your nanny."

Shinji continued to stare at her back in disbelief. There was something different there. Still a hint of dismissal but… there was something else as well. Like she didn't want to be angry with him or even be irritated. This whole little conversation meant little to her and somehow he'd made it into a big deal.

He suddenly felt foolish in a way that was hard to define. Like he really had jumped through a hoop, when really nothing had been required of him.

The bowing of the head, the apologies and explanations… those had all been unnecessary tricks. All he had needed to say was exactly what he'd said at the end. _He was out with his friends._

Feeling an odd mixture of confusion and embarrassment, Shinji made his way to his room. He did need to get a start on his homework and he no longer wanted to stand there stupidly staring at Asuka.

Just as he reached his door Asuka said, "You could have called though. You have a phone."

For a moment Shinji froze. She was right, of course. He should have called her. It was the obvious thing to do. He opened his mouth to apologize… but suddenly that seemed like a terribly stupid idea. Why jump through hoops if no one is impressed?

"Ok," he said quietly. It sounded kind of awkward. But even as he frowned at the foreignness off it all, he knew it was right. And when he walked into his room, his head was not bowed.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

It had been a while since the last angel attack and as usual everyone was a bit on edge. The angels seemed to have no set schedule in their arrival, but as a general rule they did not show up for at least a week or two after the last attack. But it had been almost three months now and people were getting antsy. The general consensus was that if weird tentacle creatures wanted to destroy the world, they might as well get it over with already.

Shinji was not of this mindset himself. Let the angels take all the time they wanted. If there were no more angel attacks during the course of his lifetime, it would still be too soon. The only downside to the lack of angels was NERV's insistence on being prepared for them. They'd subjected the pilots to so many "experimental" variations of sync tests that Shinji lost count of them all. There was the infamous naked sync test, the overnight endurance sync test, and the test where the pilots had to float upside down in the LCL. Shinji hadn't minded the one where they listened to classical music to see if it increased their scores, but he was beginning to doubt the validity of the tests when Ritsuko made them all wear "special synchronization helmets" that could only be described as cowboy hats. He sincerely hoped that Misato was joking when she said they'd be combining the hat test, with the naked test next time. Sure she was smiling when she said it, but then she had been smiling when they suggested doing both tests separately as well.

The training activities for this day were in some ways better and worse than the synchronization tests. Shinji, Asuka, and Rei were taken to a part of NERV that he had never seen before. When he asked about it, Rei told him that it was the secondary Evangelion holding cages. Indeed the massive room did look quite similar to the main cages, with one glaring difference. Each cage housed a grotesquely severed Evangelion. The head and torso hung from large cables and wires connected to the ceiling. The bottom half of each Eva was missing, save for what looked like spinal cords trailing out beneath the armor.

Shinji barely held onto his lunch.

"What are we supposed to do with that?" asked Asuka, disgust plainly written on her face.

Ritsuko smiled, "These are the simulation Eva units," she said. "You'll be training with them starting today."

"But how do we train in them?" asked Shinji turning away from the ungodly sight. "They can't move, " he shuddered involuntarily. "Can they?"

"That's why they're called simulation units," said Ritsuko.

She went on to explain how the system worked in the barest of details.

"See the wires that run from the unit's head all the way down to its spinal cord? Their purpose is to connect the simulation unit directly to the magi. The magi then generates a virtual simulation that is broadcasted directly to the unit's central nerve system. When a pilot synchronizes with the unit they experience the virtual simulation as if they were actually inside a moving Eva unit. I'm sure you all agree that it's quite the marvel of modern technology."

Ritsuko clearly took great pride in the project.

"Why don't we just train with our real Evas?" asked Asuka. She seemed to be over her disgust. She only saw the simulation units as something grossly inferior to her Unit 02.

"Because the cost of launching a single Eva is enough to bankrupt a small government," said Misato. "These units are much cheaper to operate and they'll allow us to prepare for situations that would be impossible to simulate in real life. All without risking damage to the main Eva units."

As she explained this she was all business. Sometimes it was like Misato was a different person at work. But then she looked toward the cages and made a face as if smelling something rotten. "So go suit up to the locker rooms and pick your favorite corpse."

The simulation units were identical, as far as Shinji could see. So when he exited the locker room he picked the nearest unit and hoped into the entry plug. He felt some slight apprehension as the plug slid into place. This was a normal feeling for entering an Eva, but usually he found that he calmed down after starting the synchronization process. There was always something comfortable about syncing with Unit 01, something familiar. But it was missing from his interaction with the simulation unit. In fact, it felt as if he wasn't synchronized at all.

"That's because you aren't synchronized," said Ritsuko over the intercom. "The magi is reading your motor-reflexes through your A1 connectors and relaying the information to the simulation unit. It's not as accurate as real synchronization, but the differences should be mostly negligible."

"So we're not really synchronized?" asked Shinji. "We won't feel any pain?"

Ritsuko chuckled. It was rather disconcerting. "There will be pain," she said almost cheerfully. "It was much trickier to configure sensory feedback into the system, but Maya wouldn't settle for anything less than 100 percent accuracy with the simulation."

_Thanks a lot, Ms. Ibuki._

"But don't worry," she added as if she could sense his apprehension. "This pseudo-synchronization can be used by anyone, and was extensively tested on 'volunteer' staff." Shinji could hear the air quotes used on the word 'volunteer'. "It's currently set to only output pain signals at 30 percent of their original intensity."

Somehow he wasn't surprised to find that the doctor had a sadistic streak a mile wide. It seemed to suit her well.

"Why does it output pain at all!" yelled Asuka over the intercom.

Ritsuko continued to smile cheerfully. "Think of it as added incentive to do well in the simulation."

Asuka let out a string of German that probably contained more curse words than not.

"Understood," said Rei placidly. Shinji admired her ability to roll with the punches.

Misato ran through the status check with each pilot, and all three gave the all clear signal. In the control room the bridge bunnies reported that everything was green on their end as well.

"Commence the simulation," said Ritsuko.

One moment Shinji was staring at a blank screen, the next he was in the center of Tokyo-3, surrounded by buildings. But it didn't feel as if he was looking at a screen. The vision the screen was almost secondary to the ghostly vision his eyes saw by themselves. In one sense he recognized that he was still sitting in the cockpit in NERV, but at the same time it felt as if he'd been physically transported to the middle of the city. Without any warning, he promptly threw-up.

"Oh sorry," said Ritsuko. She really did sound sorry. "I should have warned you to close your eyes. The transition can be a little jarring on startup."

Shinji found himself staring angrily at the control panel as the whirl of the LCL filters kicked in to clear out his vomit. This was not getting off to a good start.

After wiping the vomit from his mouth, Shinji composed himself enough to look around. Though he probably should have expected it, he was surprised to see the purple armor of Unit 01 when he moved his arm into his field of vision. Moving the Eva's head to look around, he saw that all the unit's limbs were intact. He could feel each movement that the Eva made almost as if he were inside the real Unit 01. There was a small difference. A kind of lagging sluggishness to his movements. There was an almost imperceptible time delay between his desire to move and the actual movements of the unit. It reminded him of how he felt when walking around in a swimming pool, though the feeling of resistance wasn't nearly as strong.

Asuka and Rei, stood nearby adjusting to their units as well. It wasn't long before Misato spoke up over the intercom and asked them all to go through some of the standard movement tests. This resulted in a groan from Asuka. Shinji understood how she felt. The tests were pretty tedious. The three pilots spent several minutes working their simulated Eva's through such daunting tasks as touching their toes, walking in small circles, and doing jumping jacks. Luckily, the tests were cut off much shorter than normal. Ritsuko seemed relatively satisfied that all the units were behaving as was expected.

"Let's move on to the main event," said Ritsuko. "Would you do the honors, Misato."

"Of course," said Misato. "Today you'll be participating a series of one on one battles to assess your strengths and weaknesses. Each of you will have all the recourses available to you that you would have during an Angel encounter, with the exception of the advice and strategies normally supplied by myself."

Asuka mumbled something that sounded a lot like "good riddance".

"I heard that!" said Misato. "As I was saying, the goal of each battle is to incapacitate your opponent while receiving as little damage to yourself as possible. There are no rules of restriction and each battle will be untimed. Questions?"

"What will we be fighting against?" asked Rei.

"Good question," said Ritsuko. "We are currently developing opponents with strong enough artificial intelegence to simulate a real angel attack. But at present the only complete physical models available to us are the Eva units themselves."

"We have to fight each other?" asked Shinji in surprise.

Ritsuko seemed to enjoy this response. "Is there any better way to simulate battle with intelligent life forms than fighting each other?"

Shinji wasn't sure, but he thought there might be a jab at their intelligence hidden in there somewhere. He decided to let it go. He was too worried about the prospect of a no-holds-bared contest with two of the only girls he ever regularly talked with. For one thing, he wasn't sure that he could win. Asuka especially was out of his league when it came to any sort of form when fighting and he'd personally seen Rei withstand a continuous cannon blast of energy without flinching. Even if he did win, what good would it do him anyways? If he tried to brag to anyone, no one would be impressed by him beating up on girls. He had never hit a girl before and he wasn't exactly looking to start now. But maybe it didn't count if he was hitting them in a giant robot instead? He wasn't sure if chivalry made allowances for such outlandish circumstances.

Unfortunately, before Shinji could consult 'The Great Big Book of Gentlemanly Things', he was called by Misato to participate in the first match. He was neither relieved or further dismayed to find that Rei would be his first opponent. He doubted it would make much of a difference.

Without warning, Asuka's Eva unit suddenly disappeared. Only the digital copies of Unit 00 and Unit 01 were left standing in the middle of Virtual Tokyo-3. Shinji tried to calm himself as he stared at his opponent.

_She's not a girl, she's a robot... She's not a girl, she's a robot…_

The words "Round One!" appeared in the center of his screen in bright red letters and disappeared quickly. And just as suddenly the word "Fight!" appeared and the battle begun.

Shinji hadn't actually thought of a strategy, aside from trying to simultaneously convince himself that it was okay to hurt Rei and trying to figure out how to hurt her as little as possible. He barely had time to move before Rei equipped herself with a progressive knife and charged.

A wave of panic hit him as he franticly unsheathed his own progressive knife and tried to take up a defensive position. He was thrown even more off guard when Unit 00 seemed to completely ignore him and bypass him in its charge. She slashed her progressive knife downwards once and ran right past him into the distance.

Shinji stared at her retreating back for a moment in complete and utter confusion. A five minute countdown timer instantly popped up in the corner of his monitor.

"But I thought there was no time limit," he said.

"There isn't," said Misato. She seemed to be barely containing laughter.

"Look down you idiot!" yelled Asuka.

"No helping," said Misato, but she still sounded more amused than anything.

Shinji lowered his gaze, then abruptly brought the palm of Unit 01's hand to its face. His umbilical cord had been cut. He had less than five minutes before he ran out of power.

The rest of the match was an embarrassing affair. He vainly tried to seek out a replacement umbilical cord, only to find that Rei was systematically destroying all the towers with extra power supplies. He soon realized that the only way he could win the match was by confronting Rei directly. If the speed at which she fled from him was any indication, Rei seemed to realize this too. By the time he caught up with her, Unit 01 had completely consumed its power reserves and Rei was declared the victor.

Shinji barely had to time to reflect on his defeat before he found himself in a peculiar situation.

Suddenly, virtual Tokyo-3 vanished before his eyes… only it didn't. He could still see the city and Rei's Eva through the monitor of his cockpit, but he no longer felt as if he was there. There was no wind blowing on his… (Skin? Armor?)… exterior. And even though he was sitting in the entry plug it felt as if his legs had been take out from under him. When he tried to bring Unit 01's hand up to his eyes for inspection, he realized that the unit wasn't even there. He could feel nothing of the Eva. It was as if he was looking at a video of Tokyo-3 being recorded by a floating camera. A floating camera he could control.

After fighting back a (thankfully) much smaller wave of nausea, he was somewhat amused by the novelty of it all. He zoomed the camera around Unit 00 and the newly visible Unit 02 preparing for battle.

"The next match is between Asuka and Rei," said Misato. "Let's try to make this one a little less one-sided, shall we?"

The rank stench of failure came rushing back to Shinji's nostrils. Even if he could momentarily forget how much he sucked, others sure didn't.

"I don't think it'll be too hard to out-perform _that_," said Asuka. "Don't get cocky, First. You're fighting a real pilot now." Shinji didn't like the implications of that statement, but he kept quiet.

Unit 00 nodded.

"Understood."

He somehow wasn't surprised that Rei hadn't stuck up for him either.

"Round 1" flashed on the screen, and Shinji wondered why it said round 1 when there wasn't a round 2. "Fight!"

Shinji was surprised when Rei didn't immediately run after Unit 02's umbilical cord. It had been so effective before, that he expected her to use it again. Unit 00 back-peddled away from Asuka's Eva as quickly as it could.

"Major, where is the nearest rifle," came Rei's soft reply over the radio. Shinji felt even stupider than before as Misato quickly gave her the coordinates. He had thought Rei's encyclopedia knowledge of where the nearest power stations were was amazing. He hadn't realized they were allowed to call in for support.

Unit 00 dashed toward the location Misato had specified. Asuka gave chase, only stopping momentarily to equip herself with a long-handled Smash Hawk Axe. There was only 10 city blocks between them (about 8 steps for an Eva) but the distance was great enough to give Rei the advantage. She thumbed the safety on her rifle and let bullets fly.

Asuka seemed to be almost unaware that she was under fire. She continued to rush at Rei, her AT-field seemed to solidify as it deflected each man-sized bullet. Sparks flew with every burst of gunfire, and Unit 02's AT-field flickered and faded steadily under the assault. But Asuka was in range of Unit 00 much faster than Rei seemed to have anticipated. She barely had time to raise her rifle in defense as Asuka slashed clean through it with the Smash Hawk. In a mechanical display of dexterity, Unit 00 dropped the useless gun and withdrew her progressive knife. Asuka gracefully brought the axe to bear once more on the blue Eva. The long handle of the blade gave her a much further reach than the knife. Rei had no opening to attack. She was forced to backstep and doge Asuka's oncoming attacks.

To Shinji it seemed like a mismatched fight. There was no way Rei could win while Asuka had the axe and she only had a knife. But the girls both knew that in this situation the weapon was almost inconsequential. Rei simply wasn't good enough to fight most enemies head on and Asuka ruled close-quarter combat.

The axe swings kept coming one after another in fluid motion. There was no time to react between each swing. So Rei continued to back-step and dodge. She appeared to have no other options. Just as it seemed as if Asuka had her pinned up against a sky scrapper, Rei suddenly threw her Prog knife.

The knife landed behind Asuka and severed her umbilical cord, but Asuka paid it no heed. With her enemy unarmed and cornered, it didn't matter how much power she had left. She brought her axe down once more, expecting Rei to back into the building, using up the last of her free space. But instead Asuka found herself gasping in surprise as Rei lept forward into path of her falling Axe.

A moan of pain passed over the comm system as Unit 00's right arm was cleaved from its body. But Rei did not slow down. She passed by Unit 02 as the momentum of its swing forced it forward. With surprisingly precise movements, she pulled the progressive knife from the ground in front of her.

There was a moment that seemed to last a lifetime as both Eva's simultaneously turned to face each other. Asuka brought her axe up for another swing even as she pivoted to face the other girl. But Rei thrust out her one good arm at Unit 02's center before the Axe could drop. Asuka's already weakened AT field was easily penetrated by the knife and she let out a long yell of anguish as the knife grinded against Unit 02's Core.

The Smash Hammer fell to the ground with a loud clatter. Shinji let out a gasp of breath he hadn't realized he was holding. The comm waves were silent. The yellow glow of Unit 02's eyes winked out of existence and it moved no more.

Misato cleared her throat roughly and quietly said, "Rei is the winner of this round."

Unit 00's arm suddenly grew back into place as Rei nodded once.

"Understood."

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The less said about the resulting battle between Asuka and Shinji, the better.

Shinji saw very clearly that Asuka was upset and wasted no time taking a defensive position. This turned out to be a very bad idea. It soon became apparent that taking a defensive position against someone as skilled as Asuka had just as much effect as kindly extending his neck out to an executioner.

But Asuka was not quite in the mood for a "swift and elegant" battle. In the moments to follow Shinji learned exactly what 30 percent of the pain of having your body dismembered slowly limb by limb felt like. As he screamed for what seemed like hours, but was probably no longer than 5 minutes, he could only marvel at the Magi's ridiculously high requirements for declaring something "incapacitated".

He thought it was relatively fair for him to think (for he had not the guts to say) that his girlfriend was quite the sore loser.

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From the way Ritsuko had described the testing process for the simulation units, Shinji had assumed that employees were grabbed kicking and screaming and forced to endure hours upon hours of torturous simulated pain. Aside from the kicking and screaming part, he was actually pretty close to the truth. All the initial testers had been volunteers who understood the benefit that simulated battles would bring to Project E and humanity in general, so they sucked it up and took one for team. It had taken lots of experimentation to settle on the 30% pain threshold which both communicated the "Oh crap this hurts, I should have made better decisions!" factor of the simulations and did not leave the tester whimpering in a corner clutching at imaginary wounds. Once that perfect threshold was found, there was no limit to the number of volunteers lining up to pretend to pilot a giant freakin' robot.

As a means of ironing out the rest of the kinks in the system (and as a reward for those who initially risked pycho/neurological damage) the technical staff of NERV held a series of one-on-one battles, not unlike the ones that the pilots had participated in. There was even a leaderboard and betting pools for each match. A Vegas style odds system was set in place, with several bookies working to facilitate it. No one knew who the bookies received the odds from, and anyone who asked persistently were quickly persuaded not to do so. The popular theory was that the odds were calculated by the Magi itself, making them more or less infallible. Though some speculate this theory was spread by the bookies in order to keep betting outcomes predictable.

Shinji became personally acquainted with the betting system when he exited the dressing room that day. The many sad looks and shaking of heads, did nothing but highlight the shame he already felt. As he walked passed a group of people who had been watching from the control room monitor, the disappointment in the room was palpable.

Only Shigeru Aoba had the nerve to actually say something about it.

"I had you both matches," he said mournfully as Shinji passed him. "I backed you all the way…"

"Give him a break, Shig" said Makoto. He only looked slightly less disappointed than his friend.

"I understand losing to Asuka. She has the most training. But seriously… Rei? You were favored three-to-one, man…. Three-to-one."

"I'm sorry," said Shinji staring at anything but the desperate look in the man's eye.

"I just have to ask: Did you even try?" Shinji squirmed uncomfortably under his gaze as he waited for an answer that wouldn't come. Suddenly Shigeru winced as if in pain. "Christ! 40 thousand yen down the drain..."

Shinji flinched back as Shigeru took a step towards him.

"I-I'm sorry!" he said in near panic.

Makoto put a hand on his friends shoulder and gently pulled him away. "Leave the kid alone man. No one could lose that bad on purpose."

Any anger Shigeru might have had evaporated instantly. He slumped visibly into a sad sack of a man.

"Did you even try?" he asked again as he allowed himself to be dragged away.

Shinji couldn't leave the control room fast enough. In fact, he couldn't leave the control room at all. He had to wait for debriefing. The non-necessary staff filed out of the room. Misato cleared her throats and addressed the three pilots.

"First of all, this exercise was for the purpose of combat assessment. There were no winners or losers today, just successful tactics," she spared a glance towards Rei. "And unsuccessful tactics," she added looking squarely at Shinji. The floor became very interesting again.

"Rei, you did a splendid job today. In your first fight, you exploited a known enemy weakness: the Eva's limited power supply. In your second battle, you attempted to avoid close combat, knowing that it was your enemy's greatest strength. When this failed, you adapted your tactics to catch your enemy unawares. Overall, you were tactically the best fighter."

It was interesting to note that Asuka's face turned a unique shade of angry red at this statement.

"But don't let this go to your head," Misato chided. Shinji would have laughed at the idea of Rei being even remotely egotistical, but he was much too busy feeling sorry for himself. "In a real angel battle you will not have extensive information on your enemies' capabilities and will not always be able to rely on your cunning to save you."

"I will take that into consideration," said Rei, though in her head she concluded that Misato had merely stated the obvious with her advice.

"Asuka," said Misato drawing the girl's attention. "You also did very well today."

If Asuka was pleased by this praise she did a heck of a job of hiding it.

"Like Rei, you used your superior combat skills to your advantage, but you put too much stock in the predictability of your enemy. In your first fight, you would have certainly won, if you had not underestimated your opponent."

Asuka nodded tightly, with a scowl on her face.

"Your second battle, however, was flawless… though in a real battle I would expect you to spend less time crippling your opponents and more time destroying them."

Shinji shivered unconsciously.

"Shinji…" Misato closed her eyes and shook her head. "You did not show an ounce of skill, resourcefulness, or even spatial awareness. In each match you were severely outmaneuvered and outperformed. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Shinji did not. He did note that the scowl on Asuka's face seemed to deepen even further as Misato recounted his failures.

"Perhaps if you had taken even a little initiative, your performance could be forgiven, but you seem to lack the most basic understanding of strategy. Waiting patiently for your enemy to destroy you, is never a valid tactic. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Shinji mumbled quietly. He hated it when Misato lectured him with her "work" voice. It made his screw ups feel official.

"That being said, you still have the best overall combat record and the highest synchronization score. I expect you to do much better in the future." She eyed each of them in turn as she continued. "Overall you did well, but none of you are perfect. I expect each of you to think about your performance today and work on ways to improve. You're dismissed."

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Shinji waited for Asuka at NERV's front gate as usual, but he did so with less enthusiasm than normal. Asuka was angry. He never knew what to do with her when she was upset, even if he wasn't the cause of her anger. When he saw her coming toward him, he felt himself tense. But instead of cowering and shrinking away he forced himself to smile. He doubted it was a very convincing smile, but it was the best he could do. A man should always put his best face forward… or at least that's what Mr. Kaji had said.

Asuka saw his weak smile and her eyes narrowed sharply. The corners of his lips quickly turned downward as she walked pass him without a word. Apparently his best face, wasn't good enough. But before he could think to wallow in self-pity Asuka called back to him over her shoulder.

"Are you coming or what?"

He quickly trotted to catch up to her, hoping he wouldn't provoke her further. He still kept his distance though. He held his breath unconsciously, knowing that the situation could easily blow up at a single wrong word or deed. And so they walked in silence, both of them keenly aware of the other, but neither willing to start a conversation. After a while the scowl on Asuka's face seemed to lighten and Shinji felt himself growing less and less tense as well. He took several sidelong glances to confirm that he was out of the danger-zone. She seemed to be occasionally looking at him as well.

Then abruptly Asuka let out a long sigh. "It really doesn't bother you, does it?"

He was hesitant to answer her. "What do you mean?" he asked.

She seemed less angry, sure, but Shinji knew he had to handle this with caution. All questions asked by females are traps. Or at least that's what Mr. Kaji said.

"What do you think I mean?" she asked with a hint of annoyance. "Getting your ass kicked by wonder-girl. God you're stupid sometimes."

_Ouch._

"Why the hell aren't you mad about it?"

Shinji looked away and shrugged. "It was kind of embarrassing."

Asuka snorted. "No. It was pathetic. You completely lost to the worst pilot we have and it…." Asuka seemed to take a breath to calm herself. "It _ticks me off_ that you don't even care about it."

"Rei's not the worse pilot…" said Shinji. He quickly realized that this was not the right approach to take.

"My God, Shinji!" she said raising her arms in exasperation. "She has the lowest sync ratio and she doesn't have a single combat kill. If she's not the worse pilot, who is?"

When she put it that way it was hard to argue, but he could never forget how far Rei had gone to protect him against the fifth angel.

"She's not that bad…"

For a second Shinji thought Asuka was going to scream at him. He was surprised when she forced herself to calm down.

"She's the weakest. She shouldn't have been able to beat you… let alone…" it was almost funny how she couldn't say it, but not really. "You should have been better. _We_ should have been better."

Shinji thought he finally understood what Asuka was getting at. Asuka had done well in her fight. There wasn't anything he thought she could have done better. _He_ was the one who had suffered an embarrassing defeat. She had nothing to be ashamed of. For the first time, he did feel a little angry with himself for losing. She was suffering because in her mind she grouped their performances together. He was like anchor dragging her down. He tried to cut the line by reassuring her.

"But you were good." at Asuka's disbelieving look he added, "Rei just got lucky at the end. And you beat me pretty easily too… "

He shuddered as his mind flashed through the agony of his dismemberment.

"You don't get it!" yelled Asuka stomping in front of him and cutting him off mid-stride. "Do you think I liked doing that to you?"

Shinji just stared at her. He had thought she was venting. He could think of no other reason why she would torture him that way.

"It only takes once," she said. Her voice was much more subdued. "One wrong move, one wrong decision and you're done. You're dead. And you act like it's a game. Like you don't even care! Ayanami's the slowest and the weakest and she killed us both! Do you think it's going to get easier when last time you almost didn't…"

Her voice caught in her throat. Shinji didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. He suddenly wished that she was angry again. There was nothing worse than watching her break down like this when he knew it was his fault.

But almost as quickly as the moment came, it was gone.

"Whatever," said Asuka. That same old dismissal. That same resignation. "If you don't care, then why should I give a damn?"

And she walked much faster than before, leaving him behind to stare at her back. For the second time in a week, he realized that he had completely misunderstood what she wanted from him. It left him feeling drained and not a little bit depressed. He tried not to wallow in these feelings as he walked home alone.

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It occurred to Shinji in the days to follow that the flaws in reasoning that had lead him to be dissatisfied with his life were the exact same flaws that marred his ability as a pilot. In every battle he'd ever fought, he'd simply gone with the flow. Instead of thinking about his actions, he just followed orders and hoped for the best. And on those rare occasions when he had taken initiative, it was always an impulsive move that had just as much chance of working as it did of blowing up in his face.

The third angel used him as a punching bag before Deus ex Evangelion kicked in.

His impulsive decision to charge at the fourth angel when he should have retreated almost ended badly, as Misato made very clear to him.

He really hadn't needed to do much for the fifth. He just kind of followed orders. The same thing could be said of the sixth, the seventh, the ninth, and the tenth.

And the twelfth…

Asuka was right. He almost hadn't made it. All because he didn't bother to think about what he was doing. He either relied on other people to do his thinking for him, or he simply went with the first impulse that came into his head. Sometimes that worked… but sometimes wasn't good enough. Not when you only get one chance. Not when failure meant death.

The reality that he could die was something he'd tried to hide from. He knew that piloting the Evangelion was dangerous. That was one of the reasons he initially refused. But once he realized how much everyone was depending on him, piloting had felt less like a choice and more like an obligation. It was something he _had_ to do and everyone expected him to do it with a smile. If he considered the risks every time he entered an entry plug, he wouldn't have been able to make himself move an inch, much less smile.

But ignoring the risks, didn't make them go away. The way Asuka had begun to act around him made that clear. She wasn't angry with him anymore, but suddenly there was a distance between them. They still walked to school together and sometimes (though seemingly less and less) they even kissed. But Shinji found that Asuka did not stay in a room very long when he was around. And sometimes when she looked at him, he felt as if she was looking right through him. It was almost as if she was trying to convince herself that he was even there. Shinji shuddered every time he thought about that look.

_She thinks I'm dead,_ he thought one restless night while staring at the ceiling. _I was lucky in the past, but how long could that really last? It's only a matter of time. The next angel will kill me. And if it doesn't the one after that will. And she knows that it's coming. She knows that one day soon I'm going to suddenly disappear. All at once. As if I was never there. So she's trying to beat me to the punch… pulling away little by little… until it's like I've already left. And then when I'm really gone… maybe it won't matter to her… maybe it won't hurt her so much to be without me…_

But it was already hurting him. It hurt quite a bit to know that the one person he loved had already given up on him. If he hadn't been in so much pain, he would have probably given up on himself as well. But he knew there was no was no point wallowing in pity. It was time to make a change.

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_Pain, whether physical or emotional, is life's signal to you that something is wrong. Don't think Life's telling you this to be jerk. The pain is a signal that you should get off your ass and change something. Don't get me wrong though. Knowing that you're hurt doesn't tell you __**what**__ to change or __**how**__ to change it. And sometimes there __**isn't**__ anything you can change that will make things instantly better. So I guess Life is a bit of an asshole, afterall... But the point I'm trying to make here is, if you know where the pain is coming from, you have some small idea of what you should be doing. And if you still don't know what to change, you know that you should be changing something. Even if the changes you make aren't an instant fix for your problem, you'll find that keeping busy will at least take your mine off the pain. If only for a little while._

_-Excerpt from The Wise and Nobel Ramblings of Mr. Ryoji Kaji _

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Shinji knew why he was in pain. He was upset because he'd realized that he was likely going to die fighting giant monsters from outer space. The obvious solution to this problem was to find a way not to die. The easiest way to not die fighting giant monsters from outer space, was to not fight giant monsters from outer space. But he couldn't just stop piloting Eva because people were counting on him. And if the angels initiated 3rd impact, he'd be dead anyways, so that solution went right out of the window.

His only other option, would not be easy. He had to become good enough at fighting that he wouldn't be likely to die while doing so. The only problem was he didn't know how to become a ridiculously good fighter. If he knew that, he would already be one. That did not mean that his goal was impossible. He didn't know how to be a good fighter, but he did know people that did.

His first thought was to ask Asuka for lessons, but that idea quickly died in his head. He could barely stand to look at her, now that he knew she was quietly waiting for him to keel over. And every time she looked at him… No, he knew asking for her help with this would not be a good idea.

With that option unavailable, he went with his second choice. He would ask for help from the most ass-kickingest person that he knew. That very same week he stayed late after school. He prostrated himself to the ground and sought aid from a master who had never been defeated in single combat. A merciless warrior who won battles with cunning and guile and never gave thought to sacrifice or defeat.

"Teach me your ways," said Shinji bowing fully to the floor.

Kensuke looked down at his prostrated friend and said, "Eh… Maybe next week." Sadly, his duty lay elsewhere. He had yet to finish maxing out his characters on the beta version of Diablo 4.

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Shinji left the school grounds in sour spirits. Kensuke was practically famous in the local arcades for crushing opponents and shattering high scores. He'd run plenty of kids out of quarters as he dominated machines with his deft skill and keen strategy. Contrary to NERV's technical staffs' beliefs, the Eva Simulations weren't just some big video game. Shinji understood that, but he had hoped some of the strategies from games would carry over into the real world. At least that's how it always worked out in the movies. You could always tell who the best strategist was by the way they played chess.

As he walked out of the school, he saw Rei walking a ways ahead of him and his mood only darkened. Having the best synchronization score meant nothing if he didn't know how to be a good pilot. Sure Rei was the weakest of them all in terms of pure strength, but when they fought, it was as if she was thinking three steps ahead of him at all times. He had no confidence that he could ever learn to think that way. Still he had to try. Asking Kensuke for help had been an act of desperation. He just wanted someone who could teach him to strategize. But since Kensuke was busy, there was no one left to ask… no one except for…

He could ask Rei.

Shinji almost laughed at how long it had taken the idea to occur to him. He supposed there were reasons why she hadn't been the first choice to pop into his mind. For one, she was quite withdrawn. Though the two of them got along well enough, they rarely talked much. Also he thought it might be kind of awkward to ask someone for advice on how to beat them. But he was desperate. He wasn't going to risk death because he was too afraid to ask a simple question. Somehow that didn't make it any easier.

Rei seemed not to take notice of him until he was right beside her. She acknowledged him with a brief glance and a nod without slowing her pace.

"Hi Ayanami," said Shinji.

"Hello Ikari," said Rei.

For a moment they walked on in silence. Shinji wished there were crickets.

"Well I was wondering…" _if you could teach me how to kick your ass…_

"Um… well what I mean is… you piloted very well in the simulation and I was wondering if maybe you could tell me how you did it?"

Rei's eyebrows furrowed as she looked over at him again.

"I do not understand the question."

"Right," said Shinji. He began to perspire. Explaining things was never his strong point. "well… you beat me… pretty badly. And I just wanted to know how you came up with the ideas you used… the… the strategy."

This time Rei raised her eyebrows. Shinji took a moment to memorize the expression on her face. He didn't think Rei was capable of expressing shock.

"Was it not your goal to lose that fight?" she asked.

"What?"

"You stood still and did nothing. I assumed that you did not want to win."

He hadn't thought he'd looked _that_ bad. He was so embarrassed he almost went along with her misunderstanding. But he knew he couldn't do that. He'd never learn that way.

"I… I just didn't know what to do," he forced out.

"You wanted to win the fight?" asked Rei. If it was anyone else, he would have thought she was rubbing it in.

"Of course I did!"

Rei shook her head slowly. "You cannot win a fight if you never attack."

"I know that…" said Shinji. This was not the kind of advice he was looking for. "I tried to chase you."

It was almost comical the way Rei cocked her head to the side.

"Did you truly intend to catch me?"

"Yes…" said Shinji hanging his head.

"Then I do not understand your actions," said Rei. "Why did you only follow behind me? If you had wanted to catch me, you should have tried to go where I was going to be, instead of moving to where my current position had been."

It all sounded so obvious when Rei said it. Of course he should have gone after a different power supply than the ones she was closest too. But even still…

"How was I supposed to know where you were going?"

"How could you not?" asked Rei. It was strange hearing that tone of disbelief in her soft voice. "I established a clear pattern. My objective of destroying the umbilical cord towers should have been obvious with marginally intelligent analyzation."

Shinji didn't know what to say. He was fairly certain that Rei Ayanami, of all people, had just called him stupid. This was a brand new low for him. He couldn't help but wallow in it.

"Hmm," said Rei seeming to think deeply on something. "Perhaps the second child was right about you all along."

"Asuka said something about me?"

Rei nodded to herself. "Yes, she was definitely correct."

Shinji didn't have the nerve to ask her again.

Once again they walked in silence, but Rei seemed almost completely lost in thought. Shinji could only assume that she was legitimately confused about their conversation. He had stumped her with his stupidity and now she was at a loss for what to do about it. He should have known it would be a mistake to let anyone know how truly hopeless he was.

When they reached the crossroads where they usually parted ways, Shinji was feeling more depressed about his inevitable death than ever. He was glad to part ways and pretend the conversation had never happened, but before he could leave Rei stopped him by placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I have something to give you," she said with quiet determination.

She didn't allow him the option to reject her offer. Without a word she turned and began to walk toward her apartment building. A small glance backwards indicated that he was supposed to follow her. They walked pass the industrial sector of Tokyo 3 listening to the sounds of construction as they grew louder and louder. It wasn't long before they were standing in front of Rei's apartment door.

Rei opened the door and stalked off into her room to retrieve whatever it was she wanted to give him. Shinji wasn't sure if he should follow her or not, so he stood awkwardly in her bedroom doorway. He was pleasantly surprised by some significant changes to the apartment. For one, there were no envelopes piled up outside the door. In fact, there was very little clutter anywhere. The dishes were clean. Her clothes were stacked and folded (though not in her dresser for some reason) and perhaps the greatest improvement was the lack of bloody bandages on the floor. It was a relief to see that Rei had learned to pick up after herself. He had been worried about the way she was living before.

"Your place looks nice like this," said Shinji. It wasn't strictly true, but it definitely looked nicer than it had before.

He saw Rei momentarily pause her search and turn to look at him. She wore a peculiar look on her face as if she were embarrassed. For a moment he almost thought she was blushing. Her reaction was both unexpected and ridiculously cute. Shinji reminded himself that he already had a girlfriend… even if she was subconsciously abandoning him to death.

Rei did not lose composure for long. "Thank you," she said softly and motioned for him to join her by her dresser. He was hesitant to enter a girl's room, but knew that she probably meant nothing by it. He couldn't think of a more straightforward and well-meaning person than Rei. Instead he let his mind wonder apprehensively on what she had in mind for this visit. After the talk they'd just had, he could not picture why she suddenly decided to give him a gift. Perhaps Rei had some sort of trophy that said "World's Worst Eva Pilot" and she was now passing the mantle onto him. Though he didn't know why she would keep such a trophy in her underwear drawer… or why she was insisting that he look inside her underwear drawer for that matter.

But when he stood beside her and looked into her dresser drawer he did not see a trophy, or even any underwear (to his relief and disappointment). Instead there were three books lined up with their spines facing upwards.

One book had a plain black hardcover with a title that read, "The Art of War by Sun Tzu". The next book was also a hardcover called "The Art of Engagement by Naomi Yamanaka". Judging by the wear and tear on the spines of the books it seemed as if they'd both been read extensively. Shinji almost made the mistake of commenting on Rei's surprising appreciation of art before she pulled out the third book and showed to him.

In contrast, this book was a bright yellow paperback with large, almost cartoonish text for its title. On the front cover there was a picture of an anime character with a sword in each hand, being shot by another anime character with a gun. The character with the gun was smiling, while the other character had large X's for eyes. It didn't take a genius to realize that he was dead.

Rei held out the book patiently for him to grab, but Shinji could not bring himself to take it.

"I believe this would be well suited toward your current level of comprehension," said Rei after noticing his hesitance.

Not for the first time, he found himself wishing that Rei had a sense of humor. Why couldn't this be a joke?

But he knew she wasn't making fun of him. Realizing that only made him feel more pathetic. Shinji sighed and took the gift from her hands. He mumbled out a weak 'thank you' and turned to leave. He couldn't help but sigh again as he stared at the title of the book in his hands.

It read: "Combat Strategy for Idiots"

**AN: **Now that the lame "story" is out the way we can get to what you've all been waiting for. Here's the info you (Yes you!) need to know in order to become my Beta Reader.

Read these qualifications and PM me if you are interested. If you respond via review, you're much less likely to be considered. If you don't address these qualifications in your response, you're also hurting your chances. And who would want to miss out on this fabulous opportunity?

Qualifications:

1) Must have decently written story written and posted somewhere where I can read it. By decently written I'm not even saying you have to be as good a writer as I am (though being as good as me or better certainly wouldn't hurt your chances). I just want to see a story so that I know you have a handle on good grammar. God knows I could uses some help with that, in places.

2) Preferably you should know how to use Microsoft Word Reviewing tools. Like comments, and highlighting, and whatnot. This isn't a must, but please tell me whether you can or not.

3) You must have the ability to tell me when you don't like something I've written. Whether it's simply a matter of bad wording, or if it's an issue with the plot itself. I'm not asking you to beta read so that you can look at the story and just say "good job". I want you to tell me what you think works well and what you think works poorly. Although it's not necessary for you to find problems where you don't think they exist. Just tell me if you see an issue, no matter how big or small it is.

Rewards:

1) Mild gratitude

2) Acknowledgement in authors notes

3) The warm fuzzy feeling of accomplishment you get from helping to make a story less crappy for your fellow readers.

Again: If you're interested, PM me. Don't respond via review.

For all of you who could care less about this story receiving a beta reader or not, thanks for reading as always. Stay classy people.


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